75 Days

[Denver_2010]

Journaling...

Have spent some time today processing my feelings pertaining to where my W is emotionally right now.

I was thinking about how much she once loved me. How she would have done ANYTHING for me... how loyal and committed to me she was... how vulnerable that she was to things that I said to her or things that I did that disrespected her.... how much she turned the direction of her life over to me and the direction of my life ... in a sense, how innocent that my W was.

For her to leave me, it must have taken a tremendous amount of strength, courage, and resolve.... to start over... by herself. To accept that I would no longer be there for her and/or SS.

Her ultimate decision, and action on that decision, really had nothing to do with me in the end. It was all about her... her loneliness, her unhappiness, her fear of living a life of 'going through the motions' and without passion ... without excitement... without feeling wanted and loved.

To come to this decision and act on it it must have taken her months of preparing herself emotionally ... the direction that she took, that she headed must have had to progressively accelerate ... like a train heading down the tracks without brakes...

When I came here, it was with the goal of reversing the course of a speeding train... running down the track in the wrong direction ... without brakes... the baby steps that I have accomplished have been merely slow that train down ...

To fully reverse the course of that train will take more work and resolve on my part... I cannot expect, and should never have expected, that I would be able to accomplish this in a mere 5 1/2 months.

The goal... the mission ... that which I have undertaken for myself... to stand for my M ... in order to become a better person and husband ... was NOT an easy one ... I have chosen NOT to take the easy road ... I have chosen to walk through the gates of hell ...

for me
for my W
for my M
for that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow...
which is to be happier, stronger ... healthier.

It will take more time and patience... more blood, sweat and tears.

but I'm not giving in.


Denver

^^^^^^^^

I needed to start this thread off by reviewing and remembering the words that I wrote a mere 10 days ago. This is not an easy time for me.

BITS
Denver

[Denver_2010]

I read your post on my other thread Country. Thanks.

I thought I should also review and repost my goals from my last couple of thread.

Just as a reminder to myself.


1. OM does not matter. He wins if I let him. That means if I let his presence in my situation get to me, he wins. I cannot show W that I am bothered if she tells me that she has or is going to have contact with OM. I cannot control whether or not W chooses to have contact with him. I need to accept that. He wins ONLY IF I LET HIM.

2. Back off - Reduce amount of initiating contact with W. Don't always answer her phone calls immediately. Do always answer her text messages right away. Don't jump to hang out with her all of the time.

3. Continue to show W new me - Continue to listen and validate W. Continue to be attentive and loving. Without telling her that I love her. Continue to actually actively listen to what W talks about. Continue to be fun to be around... be in a good mood... don't be a downer... be available to W and SS, but not too available. If needed, fake it till I make it. Act AS IF.

4. Do not talk about OM. Do not bring it up. Ignore it. see #1. Under no circumstances talk negatively about OM. Do not put them on the same team. Do not put W in defensive posture about OM.

5. Do not talk about R unless W brings it up. And if she does, THEN do way more listening than talking. listen and validate, listen and validate.

6. Eliminate expectations. Don't be upset if W does not invite me to do things. do not be upset if she declines invites from me. If I do something nice for her, do it bc I want to, not bc I have an expectation of something or some reaction in return.

7. Do not be doormat - I am a doormat IF ... I do something that I do not want to do bc I believe W expects it or will be upset with me about if I don't do it. I am NOT a doormat if I CHOOSE to do or not do something bc it is what I WANT to do.

8. Lovingly detach to a degree - self protection mechanism. For numbers 1, 4 and 6. Focus, focus, focus. I cannot control my W, her decisions, her actions, thoughts or feelings. I control only me. BUT, I love my W without conditions... so accept what she does, feels and thinks with the knowledge that she is on her own journey. None of it can kill me... I will be okay regardless. AND, I do not have to stay in this unless I choose to. I have a parachute that I can use at any time.

9. Start to GAL again. My life cannot be all about my W and SS. GAL to make myself happy and to create some mystery about myself.

10. Be the better man. I am better than the OM... no question. But that is not what is most important. I must be better than the old me. Be focused on improving myself, how I react to things, how I live my life on a daily basis. Be happy.

11. Continue to create confusion in my W about her initial decision. When my W left, she was DONE. DBing has allowed me to get her to a point of confusion on that initial decision. This has, and continues to be, a good thing. I do this by continuing with my 180's and being the better man.

12. Be Patient. Patience is a virtue. I am learning it and it will be useful to me in the future regardless of how this turns out.

13. Time is still my friend. Even though I have been knocked down the mountain a bit, my W is still closer to reconciling than I ever thought that she would be back in November, December and January. I am still married and no paperwork has even been filed.

14. IF NEEDED - CLOSE THE GATES nicely and lovingly, and without being a martyr. I must continue being patient and giving this time. And I must take advantage of this time to show my W more of the new me... she has seen if for 3+ months. She needs to see more of it. BUT, the time may come when I need to take the new me away from her. When she must be forced to see what her life will be like without the NEW me... This conversation must be done nicely and with love. Merely that her indecision has gotten to the point that it is not fair to me, OM, or to SS. That I will now be taking myself out of the equation. That I will still be here if and when she decides that she wants to commit to me and M, but that I don't know for how long.

[25yearsmlc]

What a great post Denver. Truly.

[Denver_2010]

What a great post Denver. Truly.

Thanks 25. The thoughts and words are there... with me... I'm trying to build my actions around them. Trying.

[Denver_2010]

Something I am stealing from Truegritter...

"The longer we stay in our marriage the more people think we are a victim, a doormat, a martyr to the marriage. We may believe this too because we do not know who we are really. We have lost ourselves in our marriage and in self doubt because of the crisis in our life.
So we run away and confirm to ourselves that we are victims and confirm others' assessment of us. We run further away from the path to find ourselves. To know who we are. Because when we choose this, who we are is what others perceive us to be and when we believe THAT then we will always be beholden to others for our SELF. We will be defined by others, and live with self doubt, unless we understand otherwise.
We will not understand otherwise because it will happen again and again until we do.

Or

We walk further down the path. We detach. We understand that what our spouse is doing is not to us. It is because of their fears and insecurities. It is because, in part, the way we have behaved. It is because most of all what THEY feel inside.

We understand that we have no control over this.
We set boundaries to protect ourselves and our family.
We don’t fully understand why we are walking down this path. We still doubt why we are since we don’t understand why our spouse is still making these choices. And we think we will be validated for all the self doubt we still harbor if our spouse comes back. If we could get that to happen then we would be ok.
Time goes on. Our friends and others who have experienced this question why we are still doing this. Why would you want to be with someone who clearly doesn’t want to be with you?

It is their choice and not about you BUT why would you want to stay in this because it still is causing you pain?

Why is it still causing you pain? Because you STILL feel that your worth is dependent on your spouse.

And you are still a doormat.
What are we missing?
We all want to feel loved. We think about it, hope for it, fantasize about it, go to great lengths to achieve it, and feel that our lives are incomplete without it. The lack of unconditional love is the cause of most of our anger and confusion. It is no exaggeration to say that our emotional need for unconditional love is just as great as our physical need for air and food.

We learned that love was conditional, that we had to get it from the people around us with our words and behavior. And that is how we perceive it when it is given. We give when expect to get it.

Isn’t our marriage based on this? Isn’t this where it derailed? Isn’t this why we still feel we have to get our spouse back? Otherwise we ARE what we fear we are: UNLOVABLE.
How do we need to be loved?
At this point in your journey it is still about how you need to be treated (loved) and yourself worth and respect is still dependent on your spouse and others.
We may decide to leave at this point because of the long suffering we have endured at the hands of our spouse and predicament. If we leave now [AND IN THIS WAY] we confirm our ignorance of what love means and confirm that to our spouse that your love was not real but dependent and conditional.
You confirm again all the self loathing your spouse feels inside because the person that is supposed to love them hasn’t and won’t and never will. You also confirm this most importantantly in YOURSELF.

We then begin to understand…
We yearn for a deeper answer. We crave knowledge that has so far been unattainable.
We want to know the mystery of love. The mystery of our marriage. To know ourselves.
To remove self doubt. To know who we are at our core.
We start to focus on ourselves. To look inside and know who we are.
Find things we don’t like. Endeavor to change them. To learn what and who we aspire to be.
Not as someone our spouse wants us to be. We tried that already.
Who we really are.
When you do that you begin to understand why you are standing for your spouse and your marriage.
And you start to learn what real love is.
Unconditional love is caring about the happiness of another without any thought for what we might get for ourselves. It’s also when other people care about our happiness unconditionally.

And what it is not
It is not what we have lived in our life and our marriage up to now. It is not controlling. It does not desire and force. It does not depend on action or inaction from our spouse.
And so as we let this soak in and as it takes hold we discover an amazing thing and it gives life to us and breaths hope into our spirits and that is

Unconditional love is when we love despite the foolish choices of our spouse, when they fail to do what we desire, regardless of any choice they make. This love alone has the power to heal all wounds, deliver self respect and remove all doubt for you and your spouse. It allows love and healing to flourish.
This is how we need to be loved. And this is the paradox.
That we only get this when we give it.

And now is the opportunity.

There is no GREATER opportunity you will ever have in your life then NOW to express this kind of love.
To do this takes greater courage than most people will ever understand and will ever know.
And you have received this wonderful gift only by going through the experience. By the trial.
By the tragedy.
What greater thing could you aspire to do.
EVER."

BITS
Denver

[~¤DG¤~]

[quote=Denver_2010]Journaling...

Have spent some time today processing my feelings pertaining to where my W is emotionally right now.

I was thinking about how much she once loved me. How she would have done ANYTHING for me... how loyal and committed to me she was... how vulnerable that she was to things that I said to her or things that I did that disrespected her.... how much she turned the direction of her life over to me and the direction of my life ... in a sense, how innocent that my W was.

For her to leave me, it must have taken a tremendous amount of strength, courage, and resolve.... to start over... by herself. To accept that I would no longer be there for her and/or SS.

Her ultimate decision, and action on that decision, really had nothing to do with me in the end. It was all about her... her loneliness, her unhappiness, her fear of living a life of 'going through the motions' and without passion ... without excitement... without feeling wanted and loved.

To come to this decision and act on it it must have taken her months of preparing herself emotionally ... the direction that she took, that she headed must have had to progressively accelerate ... like a train heading down the tracks without brakes...

When I came here, it was with the goal of reversing the course of a speeding train... running down the track in the wrong direction ... without brakes... the baby steps that I have accomplished have been merely slow that train down ...

To fully reverse the course of that train will take more work and resolve on my part... I cannot expect, and should never have expected, that I would be able to accomplish this in a mere 5 1/2 months.

The goal... the mission ... that which I have undertaken for myself... to stand for my M ... in order to become a better person and husband ... was NOT an easy one ... I have chosen NOT to take the easy road ... I have chosen to walk through the gates of hell ...

for me
for my W
for my M
for that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow...
which is to be happier, stronger ... healthier.

It will take more time and patience... more blood, sweat and tears.

but I'm not giving in.


Denver

I could have written this post myself.
Wow.


Great post

[Denver_2010]

I could have written this post myself.
Wow.


Great post

Thank DG.

Hi Denver-
Just finished reading your thread and can very much relate to how hard it is to give a WAS space. My H left 9 months ago. Soon after he left he told me that what he needed from me was to 1) give him space and 2) be a safe person for him to talk to (meaning to not be judgmental, I guess). We were best friends, could talk for hours and enjoyed spending time together, so giving him the space he asked for seemed impossible to me.

It's been 7 months since either of us has uttered a single word about our relationship. I have backed off and let him do what he feels like he needs to do. There were times that I didn't talk to him for several weeks at a time. It has been hurtful, painful, difficult and most of all lonely but I know that I have done my best to give him what he has asked for. And believe it or not, in time I have gotten used to not seeing or talking to him as much. It's still not what my choice would have been, but I'm am proud of myself for doing it and think I will be a better wife (hopefully to him) in the future because of it. Right now we see each other about once a week. I don't know what the future holds, but I hope giving him this space will give our relationship another chance.

Don't know if this helps, but wanted to share.

Long Way to Go - That does help a lot. Thank you for sharing your story with me. W and I did go through this when we first separated. We barely spoke or saw each other from the time that she left our house in mid-November up til things started to get better in late January.

I've done it before, so I know that I can do it again. The part that has been more painful this time is that it seemed as if we were so close to reconciling. I see now that we were never quite as close as I thought or as close as W's words led me to believe.

The pain of being let down and knowing that the light at the end of the tunnel that I thought I saw, was only a mirage.

Thanks again. I really appreciate it.

BITS
Denver

[Denver_2010]

Update...

No word from W today and I still have not made any effort to initiate contact since Thursday. The only contact that we have had is a voice message that W left me yesterday, and a text to her from me thanking her for warning me of a computer virus in her VM.

I did call SS tonight to see how his day in school was and to find out when he wants to get together to finish a science project that I have been helping him with. A tornado in a box. Pretty cool.

Anyway, when I called him, he was at the park with W by the house where he and his mom are staying. I couldn't help myself but to ask him if anyone was with them. He said 'no' and I am fairly confident that he was telling me the truth. It is unlikely that he would have answered the phone if OM had been with them.

My mind is playing tricks on me for sure. But I really don't know if W is having contact with OM or not at this point.

SS was playing when I called, so I told him that I'd call him back. Later when I called SS back, he was in front of W's house playing with a friend. I asked him what his mom was doing and he told me that she was on the front porch smoking.

We talked about the science project and when we were going to finish it up. He told me that W had told him that he/we would be finishing it later this weekend.

I am still having serious problems getting myself to focus on anything other than my situation. I have barely worked this week despite the fact that I have a huge trial that is suppose to begin on Monday. I did force myself to go to the office bc I had 2 meetings scheduled. I took care of those and then left.

Before I went home, I forced myself to go to the gym. I did a light workout and tried my best to get my mind off of things. It helped a little.

I checked the mail when I got home. W has never had her mailing address forwarded or changed. She received a letter today from an attorney regarding a credit card debt. I haven't opened it of course, but was able to see through the paper of the envelope.

If nothing else, W is going to ruin herself financially.

BITS
Denver

[♪CS♪]

Denver.....

PLEASE don't use SS to get information about W or OM. You know better than this.

My mind is playing tricks on me for sure. But I really don't know if W is having contact with OM or not at this point.

It IS. You have realized your fears. You KNOW what to do. You have GREAT goals. It's just acting on them now. I know, not easy. But WE ALL know that you can. Now it's just a matter of YOU believing you CAN.

I still have my days when I can't focus on work. Days my mind starts getting the better of me. Have you tried anything to stop this?

I did the rubber band on the wrist for a while. It HELPED!

You can also just FORCE yourself to think about something else. Again, I am not saying any of this is easy. But we work and we work and we make progress.

I know that it is easy to let our negative thoughts build on top of each other. I've done it many times. But WE are the only ones who can stop that cycle.

One GAL activity. CHOOSE it. And then DO it.

It's a start.

As always, good luck sir.

[25yearsmlc]

Denver,

Counsellor,

You have a client to think of. Is this a criminal trial in which a man's life or liberty are at stake? Or is it merely someone's money and property at stake?
EITHER WAY...you must

Stop the obsessing about W, and the %^&* OM, who does not matter,

and do whatever it takes to get your head in the game...NOW.

You can always re-schedule the full resumption of obsessing & stalking and self inflicted misery, all you want, AFTER the trial....