Hi Everyone, Its been a little over a year since my divorce, and I think I've done really well...have read dozens of books, been in counselling for 2 years now, etc. Feel like I'm in a good place with myself..or so I thought...
I decided to join eHarmony and see what might happen...with the idea that I just wanted to be open the possibility of meeting someone and with the expectation that it might take awhile to find someone I want to date. I've been out with 3 men in the past couple of weeks...but I leave the "date" depressed and sad. They are nice and all, but I'm finding this not fun and exciting but sad and depressing. I've been crying off and on all day today, and don't know why for sure..maybe its being 50 and dating..feels so dumb to be doing this at this stage of tehe game, and also thinking that finding someone who is fun and who also hasn't cheated might be a challenge (although my impression so far is that the men online also had cheating wives...
Anyway, just thought I'd ask for thoughts about this. Is depression while dating natural? I don't cry very often, so this weepyness today is weird...but it is definitely triggered by being back int he dating scene....
Or maybe you're not picking the right guys - or putting too much pressure on yourself? Every date doesn't have to turn into a lifelong love affair. Some will just be friends, some will just be funny stories you tell later, some will be yummy lovers you cherish the memory of later.
I've finally learned to live in the PRESENT. And now I'm finding myself with an abundance of sexy sweet smart men in my orbit.
Thanks KML. I didn't feel at all depressed until I started online dating...but it probably has triggered the "missing" a little--missing being in a relationship that is easy and familiar (even if not good in the end!). So, there is probably some stuff still in there that I have to work out.
I talked to my sister and told her the really nice thing about being married was not dating, and she told me she and her husband were going to buy draino after dinner...so I have to remember, too, that the bad thing about marriage was sometimes not dating!
I'll try to lighten up a little. What sites do people recommend? This eHarmony seemed promising for the first week or so but now most matches are 3+ hours away (like they don't have a big enough pool in my city--even though there are a million+ people here...
I've found my best dates lately on OK Cupid, which is a free site. I don't know where OKC advertises but it seems to draw a somewhat hipper crowd? I met my first boyfriend on Plentyoffish, which is also free, but the guys on that site in my area aren't as interesting. I joined Match but I don't think it's worth the money -I haven't found the guys there any more worthwhile than on the free sites.
Musclegal, I can understand how you're feeling...not that I've dated. It's something that you're doing that you thought you'd never have to do again. It brings back the hard fact that your m failed and how do you prevent that from ever happening again. No matter how wonderful a person may seem there's no guarantees that they won't cheat. That's what we live with when we've been betrayed by a trusted partner. So, don't be too hard on yourself, you're still doing some grieving and grief doesn't run on your timetable, it runs on it's own!
Ahhh....my favorite topic in this forum. Yes, dating at middle age is very different, but it can be exciting! I immediately felt depressed when I started online dating, but now I have the "who cares" attitude and it's much better. I've been on: fitness singles, eharmony, okcupid, plenty of fish, and chemistry. VERY few men choose me. I'm 5'2, 115 pounds(CrossFit toned) blue eyes, financially secure, great job, fabulous friends and a happy, complete life. SO, that translates to "I don't need you" to most men and they don't like that. Well, the right one will be okay with all that. This process takes time and pool of "fish" is much smaller than 20-some years ago.
I agree with Ellie. Live in the present and just be yourself. You don't attract what you want, you attract what you are. Just be patient, live your life, and see who shows up. I think it's okay to be nostalgic and miss the familar and the closeness of a relationship. I don't think there's one person on here who would disagree with that. Just give it time and believe it will happen. Trust yourself and what has yet to unfold in your amazing new life.
Me 55 H 49 Married 21 years No kids bomb 5/09 filed 7/09 divorced and moving forward 5/10
That's funny. Same here, Golf girl, except I just turned 50 and I'm 5'1", 110. So, its good to know that I shouldn't expect this to go quickly. I started this with the mindset that I wanted to be open to the possibility of finding love again, but that it could take awhile.
So, next question. When you have met someone, but don't sense that its going to go anywhere, what do you say? I've got a 2nd date tomorrow with a nice guy but I don't think he's close enough to be a "soulmate" (that's what I'm looking for this time around...think there is more than one man who could fit the bill, but my X and I didn't share enough interests...or, rather, he didn't share enough of mine!). Am looking for the right way to say this doesn't feel like it will click for a long term relationship (maybe that's all I need to say...)
VERY few men choose me. I'm 5'2, 115 pounds(CrossFit toned) blue eyes, financially secure, great job, fabulous friends and a happy, complete life.
Sounds to me like the men who are missing out by not choosing you are insecure and you wouldn't want them to choose you anyway. I mean what is not too like about the qualities you have listed - I'd choose you!
I've been on Match and OKCupid. While I am dating one specific woman right now, many of the women that I contacted in the past were for some reason hung up on height, even if they themselves were much shorter than I am. I am 5'8", 160 pounds, athletic, blue eyes, financially secure, etc. - but it seemed everyone wanted a 6 foot man. Nothing I can do about my height so I certainly didn't take it personally.
Just be patient and the right person will eventually come along either through the dating sight or in your everyday interactions with people.
So, next question. When you have met someone, but don't sense that its going to go anywhere, what do you say? I've got a 2nd date tomorrow with a nice guy but I don't think he's close enough to be a "soulmate" (that's what I'm looking for this time around...think there is more than one man who could fit the bill, but my X and I didn't share enough interests...or, rather, he didn't share enough of mine!). Am looking for the right way to say this doesn't feel like it will click for a long term relationship (maybe that's all I need to say...)
Just keep it simple and tell him: "I'm sorry I just don't feel a connection between us. It was nice meeting you and I wish you the best in your search for a partner."
