90 Days

[Denver_2010]

This is a repeat of the list that I posted last night. Sorry, I want to start this thread out with this since I am going to need to review it quite a bit over the next several days or weeks.

Strategy moving forward... refocusing.

1. OM does not matter. He wins if I let him. That means if I let his presence in my situation get to me, he wins. I cannot show W that I am bothered if she tells me that she has or is going to have contact with OM. I cannot control whether or not W chooses to have contact with him. I need to accept that. He wins ONLY IF I LET HIM.

2. Back off - Reduce amount of initiating contact with W. Don't always answer her phone calls immediately. Do always answer her text messages right away. Don't jump to hang out with her all of the time.

3. Continue to show W new me - Continue to listen and validate W. Continue to be attentive and loving. Without telling her that I love her. Continue to actually actively listen to what W talks about. Continue to be fun to be around... be in a good mood... don't be a downer... be available to W and SS, but not too available. If needed, fake it till I make it. Act AS IF.

4. Do not talk about OM. Do not bring it up. Ignore it. see #1. Under no circumstances talk negatively about OM. Do not put them on the same team. Do not put W in defensive posture about OM.

5. Do not talk about R unless W brings it up. And if she does, THEN do way more listening than talking. listen and validate, listen and validate.

6. Eliminate expectations. Don't be upset if W does not invite me to do things. do not be upset if she declines invites from me. If I do something nice for her, do it bc I want to, not bc I have an expectation of something or some reaction in return.

7. Do not be doormat - I am a doormat IF ... I do something that I do not want to do bc I believe W expects it or will be upset with me about if I don't do it. I am NOT a doormat if I CHOOSE to do or not do something bc it is what I WANT to do.

8. Lovingly detach to a degree - self protection mechanism. For numbers 1, 4 and 6. Focus, focus, focus. I cannot control my W, her decisions, her actions, thoughts or feelings. I control only me. BUT, I love my W without conditions... so accept what she does, feels and thinks with the knowledge that she is on her own journey. None of it can kill me... I will be okay regardless. AND, I do not have to stay in this unless I choose to. I have a parachute that I can use at any time.

9. Start to GAL again. My life cannot be all about my W and SS. GAL to make myself happy and to create some mystery about myself.

10. Be the better man. I am better than the OM... no question. But that is not what is most important. I must be better than the old me. Be focused on improving myself, how I react to things, how I live my life on a daily basis. Be happy.

11. Continue to create confusion in my W about her initial decision. When my W left, she was DONE. DBing has allowed me to get her to a point of confusion on that initial decision. This has, and continues to be, a good thing. I do this by continuing with my 180's and being the better man.

12. Be Patient. Patience is a virtue. I am learning it and it will be useful to me in the future regardless of how this turns out.

13. Time is still my friend. Even though I have been knocked down the mountain a bit, my W is still closer to reconciling than I ever thought that she would be back in November, December and January. I am still married and no paperwork has even been filed.

14. IF NEEDED - CLOSE THE GATES nicely and lovingly, and without being a martyr. I must continue being patient and giving this time. And I must take advantage of this time to show my W more of the new me... she has seen if for 3+ months. She needs to see more of it. BUT, the time may come when I need to take the new me away from her. When she must be forced to see what her life will be like without the NEW me... This conversation must be done nicely and with love. Merely that her indecision has gotten to the point that it is not fair to me, OM, or to SS. That I will now be taking myself out of the equation. That I will still be here if and when she decides that she wants to commit to me and M, but that I don't know for how long.

[Denver_2010]

90 Days - I am going to do my best to apply the above listed goals for the next 90 days. July 31st/August 1st I will reassess my situation and decide how to move forward from that point.

Some things that are planned over the next 90 days that will, barring a change in the current status of W and I's R, involve both she and I:

1.This Saturday - W's brother's wedding. W's bro is living in Korea. Met his fiancee out there. Her family is very traditional. W's bro has asked W that she and I not show his fiancee's family that we are S'd. So I guess she will be wearing her rings and we will be acting like a perfectly happy and normal couple.

2. Sunday - Mother's Day. Before things 'changed' in the past several days, I planned quite a bit for my W to show her how much I appreciate her. I scheduled a massage for her, made dinner reservations for she and I, and her family. I also ordered flowers to be delivered to her work on Friday.

3. May 10th - the 8 year aniversary of she and I meeting. I'm not sure what to do here and am open to suggestions.

4. May 21st - W and I have tickets to go see U2 here in Denver. I booked a hotel room at the Ritz Carlton (where we got M'd) back in March. I ran the idea past W and she did not object or state any concerns with that. Obviously things bw she and I are a bit different now. I know that she may tell me that she is no longer comfortable with this. I am trying to decide whether I should bring it up or wait to see if she does.

5. First week of June - W and I have concert tix to see Peter Gabriel on one night and Ray Lamontagne on another night... both at Redrocks.

6. July - My daughter will be flying out to spend July 1 through the 28th with me. Normally W, SS, D and I take a week to go on a road trip or just hang out. I guess we'll see how it plays out this year.

7. July 21st - My 20 year H.S. reunion. I asked my W if she would go weeks ago. She blocked the date in her calendar so that she didn't take any shows. I'm sure that this is way up in the air due to the situation at this point. She was extremely uncomfortable with the idea of seeing my friends since the S even when things were better in March. I seriously doubt that she will want to go if things have not improved dramatically. I will not pressure her to go with me. Just a simple reminder when the middle of June rolls around.

- All of the above events were planned when things were better, when I thought W and I were piecing. Now I really don't know what to do with some of them. Do I assume W is still going? Do I ask her?

Just things that I have been wondering about the past 2 days.

BITS
Denver

[~¤DG¤~]

You can do this Denver, I know you can

[Denver_2010]

You can do this Denver, I know you can

Thanks DG... I'm not going to lie, I'm having a really hard time right now. Thank you for the encouragement.

BITS
Denver

[Denver_2010]

2 other things that I want to add to my 2 posts above:

1. I really don't think that W will make it like this for 90 days. I truly believe that she will make some sort of decision within that time. Good or bad for our M? I have no idea at this point. But W is not the type of person who can live her life with so much confusion.

My personal goal is merely to be patient for the next 90 days without bringing up R, OM, or closing the gates (in my list above).

2. I also believe that I will attain my goal of saving my M IF I can wait this out regardless of what W does or says.

That is a big IF though.

BITS
Denver

[JustStunned]

Denver, we are in vastly different situations. I don’t know if my perspective has any application. I did copy the strategy to do list to my journal to review what I can apply from it. Thank You for it.

Some things that are planned over the next 90 days that will, barring a change in the current status of W and I's R, involve both she and I:

1.This Saturday - W's brother's wedding. W's bro is living in Korea. Met his fiancee out there. Her family is very traditional. W's bro has asked W that she and I not show his fiancee's family that we are S'd. So I guess she will be wearing her rings and we will be acting like a perfectly happy and normal couple.

2. Sunday - Mother's Day. Before things 'changed' in the past several days, I planned quite a bit for my W to show her how much I appreciate her. I scheduled a massage for her, made dinner reservations for she and I, and her family. I also ordered flowers to be delivered to her work on Friday.

3. May 10th - the 8 year aniversary of she and I meeting. I'm not sure what to do here and am open to suggestions.

4. May 21st - W and I have tickets to go see U2 here in Denver. I booked a hotel room at the Ritz Carlton (where we got M'd) back in March. I ran the idea past W and she did not object or state any concerns with that. Obviously things bw she and I are a bit different now. I know that she may tell me that she is no longer comfortable with this. I am trying to decide whether I should bring it up or wait to see if she does.

5. First week of June - W and I have concert tix to see Peter Gabriel on one night and Ray Lamontagne on another night... both at Redrocks.

6. July - My daughter will be flying out to spend July 1 through the 28th with me. Normally W, SS, D and I take a week to go on a road trip or just hang out. I guess we'll see how it plays out this year.

7. July 21st - My 20 year H.S. reunion. I asked my W if she would go weeks ago. She blocked the date in her calendar so that she didn't take any shows. I'm sure that this is way up in the air due to the situation at this point. She was extremely uncomfortable with the idea of seeing my friends since the S even when things were better in March. I seriously doubt that she will want to go if things have not improved dramatically. I will not pressure her to go with me. Just a simple reminder when the middle of June rolls around.

1 IDK, but it seems to me you are both committed to this one. She really can’t go by herself and satisfy her brothers request. She can’t take OM for the same reason. I would put on a world class performance and go. Treat it like an opportunity to show her what she stands to lose, but no R conversations. Let the new Denver court her as a friend, not pursue her or the old R.

2 Seems a lot pursuit and following Saturday night may well be overwhelming.

3 Be prepared to let it pass without notice. Let her bring it up. May 7, May 8, May 10, You are talking about 3 days out of the next 7, and I understood she asked for space in the previous thread.

4 Does W really like U2? Would she consider not going a loss or retribution for her pull back? If yes to either then can you act as if you are two friends attending a concert and splitting a hotel? Yes, I noted Ritz Carlton, where you got married. IMO there is pressure here. It may not be the best choice now.

5 Another date, seems like more pressure.

6 See how it plays out, you, SS, D having fun together. W knows and can join, no pressure.... patience.

7 Seems like she blocked the date to make you happy, not like it was something she wanted to do with you. I’d give her the date back and go anyway.

These are all just my opinions from my point of view, take them as such. You are at least having pleasant interactions. I am pulling into station D of this roller coaster.

You know your W and yourself better than I, do what works.

[dbmod]

Great job, Denver. It's tough, but you can do this.

[spellfire]

Where applicable: do all those things with or without her. Let go of worrying about if she will join you and what it means. Go have a good time, if she doesnt go it's her loss.

[islander]

I am assuming she wrote these dates in her calendar. If they ate important to her, I would also assume she would bring them up to you. I would just play it by ear, be patient, and see what happens. If she doesn't bring them up, I think you have your answer. Go to some of the events anyway and have a good time. I would probably have a backup person in the meantime to accompany you on some of them, one that understands your sitch

[cat04]

That is a big IF though.

BITS
Denver

Denver,

It is a big IF...

One that you are creating yourself...

Relax, breathe, and give you both some space...

You have been doing this, your way, for a while now...

While there were some steps forward, there have also been some back...

Some assumptions, some missteps, and some really positive stuff...

Take a break, give it over to a higher power for now...

Let yourself regroup instead of asking the how's, the why's, and worrying about all of the stuff that you just can't answer right now...

At this point, I don't see her pull back as anything unexpected and really, not something you should be making yourself nuts about...

Here you are though, making yourself nuts...

Pull out the big red stop sign and smack yourself with it if you have to...