Half in and half out... How do I move forward?

[barnaby]

What do YOU really want--what are your goals for your relationship with him? Is it important to you to be married? What specifically do you want more of in the relationship? What do you want less of?

Goals? Hmm. Not sure if this is the sort of thing you're talking about, but I want us to prioritise "fun" stuff together. For example, we took a holiday last year just the two of us. I think devoting time exclusively to "us" (me and him as a couple OUTSIDE of us as parents.) So I'd be looking at a "date" at least once a week. A holiday at least once a year. Also a whole family activity at least once a week.

Yes it is important to me to be married. He knows this. We were planning to get married later this year. He wanted to whisk me away, just the two of us, when the baby was old enough to be left for a weekend. I love the idea but was torn between that and wanting to have the children with us as well. He loved the idea of it being about just me and him.

I'd like more forward planning between the two of us. I'm the planner, the organiser. He hardly thinks beyond the end of the day. We both want to buy a house when we've saved up enough for a deposit. I can organise this but it'd be much easier to get him actively on board.

Less of... Hmm. Me personally, I'd like less of his attitude that things kinda just "happen." This is something that permeates many aspects of his/our lives. It's that belief that emotionally, if things are meant to be, they will be easy, don't need working at, or effort putting into them. Practically, it's him having the desire for something to happen but not putting a defined effort in to achieve that.

[dbmod]

Perfect.. this is EXACTLY what I'm talking about. These are measurable goals, expect the last one.


More 'fun stuff'

1) date 1x/wk minimum (great DB goal: action oriented, positively stated, doable in the next two weeks)


2) holiday 1x/yr minimum (later goal)
3) whole family activity 1x/wk (later goal)



If you make things more fun for him in general you are more likely to meet these goals.


4) get married

Less of... Hmm. Me personally, I'd like less of his attitude that things kinda just "happen." This is something that permeates many aspects of his/our lives. It's that belief that emotionally, if things are meant to be, they will be easy, don't need working at, or effort putting into them. Practically, it's him having the desire for something to happen but not putting a defined effort in to achieve that.

This might not happen--but you can create change around the behaviors that come out of it. Very happy couples often are in disagreement about these kinds of attitudes.



So focus on the small stuff first. Baby steps eventually snowball to create the big overall happy relationship.

So--related to the first goal:

What would have to happen before you two could go on a date together?

What would you like to do? What do you think HE would like to do?

[barnaby]

Ok- this is good- this sort of thing feels achieveable

Before we went on a date together, I'd need to think about what we could do, check that out if necessary, then "book" him. Check he's not already made plans.

Arrange a babysitter.

Make concrete bookings/plans.

We did make efforts towards this after he told me about what happened with the other girl. We do both agree we should prioritise this.

I would like to do something a little different. I am very much a fan of "traditional" dates, going out to dinner, having drinks, going to the cinema, that sort of thing. He would do these too, but I like the idea of appealing to his more spontaneous side. Surprising him with something we haven't done before or he wouldn't necessarily be expecting.

I've got a handful of ideas. One was booking a rally car day- we have a standing joke about his driving, and we "fake" argue over the fact we should really be rally driving and not on the "real" road, and who would be the rally driver, and the map reader (or whatever you call them!) I like the idea of surprising him with that.

Another was going off to a theme park for the day one Saturday.

Another is an adventure-type park where you spend a couple of hours basically climbing, abseiling, swinging through the trees!

A more usual idea is going out for dinner, we both love to have a break from cooking at the weekend so I know that'd be a winner with him.

[sandi2]

How do your older children treat your H? Are they disrespectful toward him? Do they resent him?

[barnaby]

How do your older children treat your H? Are they disrespectful toward him? Do they resent him?

I would say the older one (aged 7) is cheeky sometimes. IMO she is not MORE cheeky to him in particular. I think he realises this, but feels I do not do enough to keep her in check.

The 4-year-old I think is a little scared of him, she definitely respects his authority as she will jump if he says "this is how it is." She always has a wary eye when he walks into the room.

I do not think they resent him. Tbh they were very young when their dad left, and in particular the younger one can only remember him living with us (the older one has vague memories.) I do think the younger one looks to him for more than he gives, when he has his more giving moments with them, her little face lights up. She also calls him "daddy A---" when talking about him to others, such as at school. I don't think he appreciates how she sees him or how she hopes for more interaction with him that she doesn't always get.

The older one just thinks he is always in a bad mood...!

[barnaby]

Well we went to our first proper counselling session today. I wasn't sure he was going to come but he did and was participating fully.

The counsellor suggested that maybe me and him could swap roles, I could take over some of the more "serious" role, and he could get into doing fun stuff with the kids.

We were talking after, and he asked if I thought I'd learned anything yet. I said not sure, but I thought that idea of swapping was something we could try. I said maybe he could take the kids to the park, buy them ice cream. He said we do that already- I said he could do that just him, or something else similar, I was thinking of stuff to get the ball rolling.

He paused. Then said, "the thing is, it's not going to change anything is it?"

I find this REALLY frustrating. It's great that he's wanting to do counselling. However he says a lot of negative things like this. Comments about how things won't change, he's tried for so long, he talks like it's completely immoveable for him.

I can see what is happening here though. It is happening the wrong way round- it is ME who is trying to do the work for him. Convincing him, persuading him, suggesting ideas. Like he's glued to the spot, shrugging his shoulders and I'm trying to shake him free. I don't know if I'm expecting too much? I realise I can't change him. But what do I do- stand here and wait, watching?

[barnaby]

I wish I had a book that had the answers. I'm continuing to flail...

I'm a sensitive type, but I find myself hyper-sensitive to EVERYTHING at the mo. I tell myself that feeling like that is ok- it's my RESPONSE to that feeling that matters. I seem stellar right now at turning ANYTHING into a "he doesn't really want to be here" action. I am assuming meaning and it is a learning curve to stop imbuing his words and actions with my perceived interpretation. And then I am stopping and gauging my initial reaction and making a conscious DECISION regarding that action.

For example... Last night after counselling he went out for a couple of beers. He came back, we chatted a little. He got up and went out of the room to do some bits and pieces, and next thing I know I'm starting to doze off. He comes back in the room saying he's going to bed. Off he goes and I follow shortly after. He's curled up on his side of the bed, I'm not sure if he's asleep, and I'm thinking... He's mad. He's cross at me. He hated counselling and doesn't want to talk. I'm lying here next to someone who doesn't want to be here.

So I stop. He hasn't SAID or indicated any of these feelings. It's entirely possible he might actually have just gone to bed because he is tired. Maybe emotionally drained from counselling- he's not one for talking that much usually and it was mentioned earlier. So instead of feeling anxious and initiating a bad conversation at a bad time, I reached out and just put my hand on him. He responded and I felt better for not instigating that anxious what-are-you-thinking-about talk.

To be honest I'm not sure what else to be doing right now. And him... Well: the counselling is a positive step. But tbh there's not much else forthcoming. I want to ask him about what he feels he's been doing- I suppose before jumping to the conclusion he's not doing anything, I was wondering if he might have internally been working on stuff, or making plans. But I feel it may come out in an accusatory fashion- like, "what have YOU done because it doesn't look like you've been doing anything?"

Any thoughts?

[barnaby]

I have been working on being more efficient around the house and family. It's twofold; it leaves less for him to do after work, and it's working on me socially-I have previously left him to do a lot of things because I hate talking on the phone and at times I can be cripplingly shy.

So the car needed repairing. He got a couple of quotes; I decided to book the car in and get the right part ordered in preparation. I know a little but this is really his area of knowledge. I had to go back and forth a few times between him and the garage to check some of the car specifications and got it all booked in for today.

He called up later in the day from work after I texted to let him know and double-checked the part was correct. He said it was a right mess; said I'd made a mess of something that was easy to sort out because I missed a letter off the part code and had potentially asked the garage to order the wrong part.

I was really upset. It took a lot to make those phone calls, and I did it because I knew me doing it would get it done sooner and save him a job in his free time. My reaction was to blow up and then cry,that I can't seem to do anything right at the moment, but I played it cool, he said he'd sort it so I said ok and left it at that.

I wasn't sure whether to say anything when he got back, but turns out he didn't sort it and was just going to take the car in on the way to work. I got a phone call earlier with him joking that they HAD ordered the wrong part and it would cost 4x what they quoted- turned out it was fine in the end. I laughed along.

I don't know if I handled it right. The last thing I want to be right now is some emotional wreck who gets worked up at the tiniest thing, but I didn't appreciate how he spoke to me on the phone. What would have been a good way to address briefly and to the point AT THE TIME how he spoke to me? Should I have explained my good intentions or left it?

[greenblue90]

Another good read for this situation is the five love languages. It sounds like you both care about each other, just have a very hard time expressing it. As some may point out to you affairs, are usually a symptom not the problem itself. Showing him love in his language may be all he needs to feel respected and loved enough to never stray again. It sounds like he may be truly sorry for his mistake, but is not sure whether he will get his needs met from you if you forgive him. Thus one step in one step out.

[barnaby]

Another good read for this situation is the five love languages. It sounds like you both care about each other, just have a very hard time expressing it. As some may point out to you affairs, are usually a symptom not the problem itself. Showing him love in his language may be all he needs to feel respected and loved enough to never stray again. It sounds like he may be truly sorry for his mistake, but is not sure whether he will get his needs met from you if you forgive him. Thus one step in one step out.

Ah well funny you should say that as we were talking about this the other day.

He is a words of affirmation guy, and I have made sure to tell him he's sexy, fit, manly, which he loves. A lot apparently - he says he never felt like that before I used to tell him, and he started to believe it - and now has to keep his ego in check because I've buffed it up so much! *rollseyes*

I think the words of appreciation specifically apply to him which I feel I didn't work on as much as I could have. Don't get me wrong - I have always appreciated him, but probably not said it as much as I should have.

I know he is sorry. He said not long ago that the only thing worse than knowing how much he hurt me, was knowing he couldn't go back and undo it.

I think a MASSIVE part of the problem is that he thinks I will never forgive him. He thinks that because I still am working on us building back trust, there is something wrong. He hates being reminded of what happened and would prefer I never mentioned it again.