I don't want to talk about the particulars of my D here for the time being. I'm mostly here to work out the emotional part of all of this.
I try very hard to stick to just the relevant information when dealing with H. As he is raging at me every time we're in contact I spend a lot of time repressing the urge to argue or defend over issues and feelings that aren't relevant to the D and would only be hurtful to both of -- rather than just me. I guess I'm compartmentalizing and this is where I come to get the hurt out of my system and put it into perspective.
My H has been changing the history of our marriage for the entire length of our marriage. He didn't want kids when we were dating, then he was open to having kids , then he never wanted kids. I gave him a choice before the last D of working on our M or getting out of the house because he was driving me up the wall, he chose not to work on the M and then accused me of throwing him out. (He's very big on not accepting that he makes choices.) It's been going on for years, and it's a form of crazy making.
You are right about him being paralyzed. Right before the first separation and divorce he was stuck on college. He'd been going to college and planning to certifications and a job at the same time. The plan kept changing (and there was even some revisionist history there) and he was spending more and more time in school. I remember people being concerned that was stuck. Of course I had to live with him, so I did the whole "justifying him to everyone" thing, which is an untenable position when anyone can see that he's not doing what he said he would do. The same thing has gone on all of these years with the house.
My H likes to think that I'm naive. That I see the world through rose colored glasses and don't get what's really happening. He won't believe that I see exactly what's happening and choose to look at the bright side or to believe the best in others. If I didn't I couldn't have stayed married to him for this long. It's a mostly harmless way of looking at the world. Few people are really interested enough in anyone else to purposefully mess with them, so why not decide to interpret their actions as innocuous. I can keep a smile on my face and a positive mental attitude, knowing that it's nothing personal.
I'm no fool either. I know when someone is harming me and I know when they're doing it on purpose. Sometimes the intent doesn't even matter -- H's obsession with that house is a case in point. I know the house repair doesn't have anything to do with me, because we've had the "please stop" discussions over and over and over. He's fixing that house for him, but it has a direct negative impact on me. I've spent years trying to get him to see that too, before he finally saw what I meant and started apologizing BUT he didn't stop. Who's the deluded one there? I'm going with the one who is expecting forgiveness for a harm repeatedly inflicted.
I was talking last night with someone about a saying that boils my blood. "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." I think it should be "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, double your shame." For as much as my H insults me by claiming that I don't see the world the way it really is, he loves that I am a caring and forgiving person. I don't make the world a bad and ugly place by believing in the better selves of others. The world is made bad and ugly by people who walk out into the world looking for what is ugly and bad and treating the world in kind. I don't want to live my life that way or surrounded by people like that.
your last paragraph confuses me. I assume you realize that the saying means that
if someone mistreats you, it's on them. If you stick around even though there are no signs they
will change, and then they mistreat you again...it's on you. OF course they're still jerks...
was that your point?
Regardless,
since your first paragraph said you don't want to discuss particulars,
how can we help you most?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
"If you stick around even though there are no signs they will change" ... and there's the part that really ticks me off... it's an assumption. I often hear that saying used by people who have been given signs of change -- promises, remorse, even 180s -- that didn't last, and then they kick themselves for trusting again. Yes, I did intend that the whole point is that a jerk is a jerk is a jerk, and nice people shouldn't beat themselves up for wanting to have faith in someone. Some jerks just know how to play people and will take advantage of people who care about them and want to believe the best of them.
What I need changes. Lately, I've just needed to remind myself that H is lashing out, because he's in pain. That doesn't mean I deserve it, just that I understand that he’s coming from a very bad place. It’s too bad he can’t relate what we’re going through to when the tables were turned. I was inconsolable when he left me, and he was miserable about leaving me. Eventually I got my act together and smacked a smile on my life. Our first D went a lot more smoothly for both of us after I stopped freaking out about it.
It’s been absolutely silent recently. I’ve called him twice just to check on him, but I think he’s blocking my calls and rolling me directly to voicemail. He’s certainly not returning my messages. There’s nothing to discuss about D yet, since I don’t have any financial information from him, I just want to check that he is personally okay. I’m judging by the silence that he is not okay and hates me to my very core.
