Sorry you are sad and discouraged. When my H and I were at the Marriage Breakthrough seminar, one of the assignments Michele gave was to list ways you could make your S feel loved. My H pegged mine beautifully too - but same story, just couldn't (wouldn't?) put in the effort. In my H's case I think it was a bit of a passive-agressive control thing (I could do this for you but, naaaa, don't think I will).
I dunno, just comisserating with you. Still, your H is making way more effort than mine ever did! Maybe he'll get there in time - I sure hope.
ok so...h is not happy...doesn't know what he wants...doesn't have any answers....doesn't know what we will do...know full well of my feelings...I even told him that there are some nights when I feel like getting in my car and driving as fast as I can away...h understood.
so anyway...after a bunch of circular conversation...I mentioned the bb (he already knows of it but I think assumes it's mostly people on my side of the sit) and that I've come across several people in his position...(the one who had an ea/pa...is unsure of the m...doesn't know etc) I let him know about char....how she felt when her h asked for commitment..that I understood how he felt when I asked him the same...then mentioned the "piece of crap" (ha ha) book that she had mentioned and how it was (she felt) non-threatening..and that there were activities in it etc...would he be interested in it...after a moment of silence he said sure...
so I knew and now I know...h isn't happy...so now I know neither of us is happy...I am at least wanting to do something about it...h isn't sure and doesn't know what to do...I let h know that though I may be deep (his description of me) and phycological (also his) I don't pretend to have it all figured out..that I am scared and I don't know what will happen or if it will work (us being happy together)
said something really cool about simply believing it possible and going from there...but you have to believe..h right now doesn't but wouldn't say so.
gave another cool analogy of the need to nuture a r...compared a r to of all things a lawn!!
great lawn...beautiful lawn...don't water it...don't fertelize it and suddenly your lawn has brown spots and is fading..can it be revived...sure but it will at first take a lot of work...lots of water...irrating and overseeding...fertelizer...etc...yes there will be some irriparable sections but those you patch with new saud (or loam I get them confused) and suddenly your lawn is looking pretty good again..and doesn't need as much attention...but you do have to keep tending to it.
it made sense to h.
we'll see where all this goes...maybe nowhere...
btw...h has been plowing ow's driveway..and did talk to her when he did so.
Hey LL, Thought I'd come over here and check on you. I like how that one couple has come on here together and posted on the same thread... and been open and honest with each other. Do you think your H would be able or willing to do that?
Great way to have H understand sitch using the lawn. I think this is the best thing you could have done. Now he understands. Now get out the hose and fertilizer and start fixing those brown spots!
I am sure he loves you as I know you love him. Now you just have to do what it takes to be happy again. As everyone says, patience and baby steps. You are so close LL.
Morning,LL..I like the lawn thing..he does get it... but on his level and his terms..some people(not just men I suppose)can't seem to be able to start the healing and fixing of a r..I question myself if h comes back where, how do we start..it is a scary thought..keep looking and talking for small things.It takes both people to repair..but one might do it differently..we..the db'r is probably going to be the one that has to work harder on what is working and what is not...we have learned so many tools, tricks, ideas..our s have not had all this "training"..they don't have a clue where to begin. If you truly are unhappy with the m, unsure if you really love h and want to make the m work, then you have to look at that.. This is only my opinion, but you have to answer all these feelings that are going on with yourself first...if you can't both come back to the r with forgiveness,commitment and the need to really want to rebuild the m, then it probably is is not going to work. We can't force anyone to express their feelings the way we want them or think they should be done, I knew when I married my h, that he was not romantic, did not send flowers..gifts..I knew he was not a talker, could not express his feelings..I accepted him..did not always like it..wished he would just send me flowers for no reason..the little things..did it contribute to the breakdown..probably..but I missed all the good things and qualities that he does posess...as he did with me also..through the years, we did not know how to work on the important things that keep a marriage going..and I am not sure right now that I know how to..but that is what we are all learning. Sue
lots of things to talk about I'll wait til later...
think I'll be calling a lawyer tommorow though..
bought..dr phil...love lang...and the 7 principals of a successful r..and got asked out to coffee by a man at the book store...busy day for LL.
I don't know what will happen with this r...h doesn't know what he wants and I'm starting to not want to work on it either which is not good.
LL (should add that I declined the coffee invite but did get him to buy db...met him in the relationship/self help isle) sheesh LL can't go out for a half hour without someone being interested in her and her goofy h sits at home not interested in her??? what's wrong with this pic??
I hope your H will pick up 5LL. What do you think yours is? I was wondering, it seems from your threads that it might be physical touch.
I was pretty sure that mine would be quality time/doing things together, but now I actually think it is gifts. The thought behind a gift means the world to me. I was crying yesterday over a snapple coupon my H gave me,
Maybe not such a bad thing to give yourself a DB break for a bit, recharge.... Maybe H will decide he wants to do some of the work, who knows.
LL is all done...call me a waw if you wish..but honestly I am not walking away from anything as there is no r here to walk away from and apparently not one to build either as one party just doesn't know what they want so they insist on doing nothing.
tommorow I will be calling a lawyer to shedule a consultation visit.
tonight h has been foolish enough to make the decision to go out...no destination...may or may not meet with buddie...will stay at appartment.
asked h to give me his ring...h said he will stop wearing it when he's not married anymore...(gee there's my answer isn't it...he doesn't want to be married)
told h I will sell my ring and use the money to pay for shool...h said do what you want it's your ring.
so then I believe I can officially say this m is over...I am one waw that will not be chased...persued or even asked to work on the r..as I am dealing with a wah.
so ladi da di da...time for LL to get a life...and get rid of the h who isn't.
You will be great no matter what happens, I just know it!
I'm still hoping for your H to open his eyes and kick his own butt for the way he's been. If you must WA, WA. But can you walk away and leave the door open a tad bit?
Still, your H is making way more effort than mine ever did! Maybe he'll get there in time - I sure hope.
