Just further regarding my response to W and the truth that a lot of my anger revolves around access to the kids, because it felt that W was using the kids to hurt me. I did not allow anything else, other than the revelation of OM and the EA (or PA) to hurt me.
So my response is simply an attempt at a continued 180 to remind W can no longer hurt me with restricting access to the kids. The "ask" rather than saying "I demand". That's selfish on my part, as it will hurt the kids, I understand that. That will be fixed as W works on her parent plan, I then counter with my own, and then we get to mediation. This summer has already been loosely discussed by W and myself already in a previous email. We already discussed the kids can be with me a significant portion of summer holidays as W works and the kids can hang with my folks.
Did I mention that my parents live on a gorgeous water front lot on a lake. Complete with large dock, multitude of water sport and ATV activities, etc, etc... Kind of like the perfect summer holiday for the kids.
W responds as follows. Comments? I have some reactions? Can anyone guess what they are from?
"Hey -
D13 and I are babysitting (friend's young child) on Friday night for a sleepover, so if it's OK with you, you could have them Saturday after the birthday party until Monday night or even Tuesday morning in time for school. I'll leave that up to you to let me know.
Wednesday - it's your birthday - their yours. I'll let FS16 know you've extended an invitation to him and let you know what he says.
D13's already starting on me about having a friend come to the lake. I've told her that's between you and she to work out.
The following weekend is May long. Let me know what your plans are for that.
Reading W's email above, just like CS said with the previous email. It reads completely reasonable.
This is where it get completely frustrating. Because in a "perfect" world, what W is suggesting IS reasonable. And my reaction to it would come across as me being a complete jerk.
All I am asking for is fair access to kids. Unsaid and unknown to the passer by, W has indicated in previous conversation that with my "new" living arrangement, my available time for the kids is on the weekends. W suggested that she is not comfortable with not ever having the kids on the weekends. Wouldn't think that would be "fair".
So, I have no idea how to get an appropriate and fair 50/50 custody of kids without me appearing to be unreasonable. Because again, W has in the past indicated that she wants the kids to be at her place during the week so that they have "routine" and a sense of "home".
So I'm fighting for what is fair and proper to the kids, as expressed by many child psychologists (equal access and time with both parents) as well as "fair" for me in regards to 50/50 access to kids vs. my W's "reasonable" requests for time with the kids and other obligations when they are taken in context of "one request at a time".
I am being pushed from my hard earned 70/30 (W/me) split with kids to where I had them every Sunday and Monday (and that was really just D8; D13 only stayed on Sundays for the most part; that is a completely different discussion), because of what would be a "reasonable" request from my W in it's own, separate context, of 86/14 custody (2 out of every 14 days; or every second weekend)...
Guess it sux to be me. I should have thought about that when I decided to move out. Yes, that's sarcasm.
Honestly? I am asking for advice here. I look like I'm being a jerk and over reacting to what, on the surface, appears to be a reasonable request from my W. When there is so much more going on underneath.
Do I just walk away and be happy with what W "gives" me, regarding access to the kids? Because when I do that, I come across as, for all intents and purposes, abandoning the kids. I'm not talking about how I appear in the public eye, though. This is about ME and the KIDS. This is about what's right for the kids!
But I should just go out and GAL...
THIS is where my anger comes from.
OK, enough on that. I am going to have a good day and not worry about this. Accept my life for what it is and be grateful that I get to see the kids at all.
Do I just walk away and be happy with what W "gives" me, regarding access to the kids? Because when I do that, I come across as, for all intents and purposes, abandoning the kids. I'm not talking about how I appear in the public eye, though. This is about ME and the KIDS. This is about what's right for the kids!
By no means should you sacrifice your time with the kids in order to "DB". BUT, you just need to be able to have that discussion with your W WITHOUT anger. A meeting with a mediator might be a good idea.
Quote:
Accept my life for what it is and be grateful that I get to see the kids at all.
NO!
Like I said, you should fight for time with your kids, it's just how you do it. If you do it with anger and emotion, it will backfire. If you do it calmly and without anger, your chances of success increase.
Like I said, if you and your W cannot come up with a reasonable plan on your own, I suggest you and your W meet with a mediator and see what you can work out.
DON'T sacrifice your time with the kids.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
I just want to add one thing. By the looks of the emails you and your W have exchanged, the lines of communication are open. It looks like she is willing to work with you. Your responses and attitude will determine if this continues. Don't do something that will make her defensive. Encourage this communication. It will help you achieve your goal of more time with your kids.
Good luck.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
By the time noon rolled around today, I had let go the anger. And I worked through thoughts of how I might deal with that in the future.
I could go back through my email and post some of the stuff that I'm emotionally holding on to regarding the anger, which initially started off as fear. Fear that I would loose my kids, which then turned to anger as a defense mechanism. Certainly unnecessary to post that stuff. I know where this emotion is coming from.
So what I ultimately am doing and will continue to practice, is counting to 9 million 12 thousand and 84. Sufficient time to allow myself to rationally process the "factual" information in the conversations around the kids. First in email as much as possible, then eventually face to face, as will happen in time.
The other part around this is to remember that, while I may have far less time with the kids right now, and the current "flexibility" around their schedule will feel more than annoying to me at first, this is all temporary. Eventually we will work on and have what will be a fair schedule with the kids. And that makes having patience and faith in the future and patience... and more patience... of the utmost importance, right now. I AM a patient man. I always have been. My reaction is fear based. I need to let go the fear.
Otherwise, a good day. Less productive than yesterday in some ways. More in others.
I haven't read your whole thread. Concerning the kids, why is she driving the schedule. You are their father and have equal rights to them.
I know you want to keep things civil. I am concerned that the current custody time is establishing a pattern - one that a court may decide to maintain in the future.
Don't allow yourself to be screwed out of time with your kids because you're trying to be nice. Don't know if I'd trust her that she'll always give you access to them by her own good will.
She's the one splitting up the family and she wants a stable pattern for the kids - with her. I understand that but what about your relationship with them?
Think long and hard about what you want. They also need equal time with you.
Hi Tulsa. I won't rationalize my wait on the kids custody. I will restate as I said above, the whole situation with the kids is based on fear. I'm working hard and as fast as possible to get rid of that fear. Fear that W will make the kids too "busy" to be with me.
Believe me, I do NOT want to be civil with her about the kids. My fear is ruling me about this, right now. And I absolutely understand your comments regarding precedence, etc.
The courts may see things a certain way right now, regarding my participation in the kids lives. This is absolutely going to mediation. We're simply waiting for the first meeting which is still a while away.
In the mean time, while I don't entirely trust her regarding the schedule, W HAS been softening regarding her willingness to provide access to me. And she has proven it by action (more access to the kids) over the past couple months. It's not big, but it's positive steps.
The kids DO understand that I want to see them as often as possible. The time I do spend with them is quality and that has been fed back to my wife by them. She has indicated and acknowledged that. Each step forward has been to the positive for me and the kids. I have gained ground so far, not lost ground. We're still at 70/30 and while I'm concerned about a back slide, negotiations between the two of us for this summer could see a slight increase again in my favour.
The harm is done already. I'm only working on making it better, slowly and surely. Baby steps. And THAT will look good in the eyes of the court if it comes to that.
One way to face the fear is to get custody time set in stone.
Yes, she may be softening NOW, but there will be times when you and your W may not be getting along and she will be tempted to punish you by withholding the kids.
It has happened with me. My W's word is no longer trustworthy. Nothing about them is any longer.
Sent W an email with my new phone number last night. I LOVE my new android phone, BTW.
W responded this morning. As usual, out of "norm" for her, as that is not something she'd respond to over the last six months. Morbid curiosity got the better of me and I decided to look at it this morning before taking on the day.
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"K thanks.
Hey - (Dog) wanted to know if he's allowed to come to the lake with the girls?
(Happy Birthday!)
w"
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hmmm.... I'll respond to this tomorrow morning, unless it comes up when I pick up the kids this eve...
