Thanks for checking in on me. Sanderika I sent you an e-mail in the alt yesterday. So glad you set up an account. Did you find my message on your alt page?
Since my X-MIL's passing I have found myself to be more emotional than I expected to be, so I've taken a bit of a break from the boards. I am lurking but have been trying to keep up my mood by exercising and GAL (spring STILL has not arrived here. It snowed on the baseball game earlier this week. ) Losing X-MIL has been like losing a 2nd mother and I am grieving her loss. I think XH and I are going through a sort of adjustment period, trying to figure out what type of R we will have now that his mother is no longer a "living" bridge between us, although she no doubt is still a bridge of sorts. I think that X-SIL has been trying to play cupid for me and XH so maybe she will end up being a new link for XH and me.
XH and I have played TT, gone to a movie, and gone out to eat a couple times since the funeral 4 weeks ago. A few days ago I took him out to dinner for his birthday, which was yesterday. It's pretty amazing that 1 year ago I didn't acknowledge his birthday directly but bought a card for his mother to give him. Fast forward 1 year........This year we had a lovely dinner together at a cozy restaurant for 2 1/2 hours, shared food, and he kept talking and talking.....seemed like he didn't want to leave. I could tell by the way he looked at me initially when I arrived that he thought I looked attractive. I gave XH a home made gift certificate to attend a professional baseball game with me. We'll see if he takes me up on the offer. I think he was surprised that I got him something that he liked (but different than anything I have ever given him) and said he would let me know when he finds a game he wants to attend. The new baseball stadium is nothing he and I have ever talked about. I've just heard him make positive comments from time to time about how much he likes it so I think he was quite surprised about the gift.
I can tell XH has been doing a lot of processing about R's. I'm glad to see that. He needs to do that for himself. One year ago he seemed to take delight in telling me about people we know who were having M problems or D'ing. In the last few weeks he has commented twice about friends/family who have worked through some M issues and come out happy and content on the other side. That's a big attitude change for him. In another convo after TT, XH brought up a very old issue from 4-5 years ago that he was resentful about (I think he was responding to what he perceived as an indirect criticism of him --- it wasn't, but XH was "mind reading"). Because I have grown very weary of XH's slow progress, his accusation kind of deflated me and I replied very calmly and kindly (like I would to a patient who was acting out), “If I said something like that I was probably envious of you for having (something that I didn't have) …………….It makes me sad that you think you know what I’m thinking without talking to me about it. People have different reasons for saying things. You may not really know what they’re thinking.” XH replied, “Then we should talk about it (in the future).” This was a change in his attitude…….it sounded like a repair attempt to me……so this was another sign that XH is changing in a small way.
I spoke with Jody 1 1/2 weeks ago and she said that XH finally seems to have entered the friendship stage. I was surprised she said that because we have been doing things together for 11 months, but she said that "I" have been in friendship stage for 11 months, but that XH has only recently entered friendship stage as evidenced by the relaxed nature of our exchanges. She said to look for the benchmarks of reciprocity and honesty in conversations as signs that XH is being a friend to me.
I had invited XH to 2 theatrical events in town (we used to enjoy the theater together) but he said he wasn't interested in the first and already had plans for the second. When I spoke with Jody she suggested making my social invitations for no more than 2-3 days in advance so that they’re more like invitations from a friend. The theater invitations would have been more like "dates". I asked Jody if I should continue to initiate invitations right now, even though XH isn’t initiating? She said that right now, his acceptance of my invitations IS his reciprocation. Jody and I talked about me introducing new activities for XH and me to share so that we don't get bored.
Jody said that XH's grieving process will be more complicated than most because of his mother's alcoholism. She said when someone has a lot of conflicted grief about their mother it makes the grief more complicated. She thinks he will probably be in the significant grief stage for 3 -6 months. I told her that I have been reading the book "The Intimacy Struggle" by Janet Woititz (excellent book for those who are adult children of alcoholics and those who love them) and I wondered if XH could ever overcome the legacy of his childhood. Jody said that when she first started out as a therapist she put more stock in behavioral paradigms like the "adult children" paradigm, but her many years of clinical experience have shown her that people with these types of problems CAN manage to maintain positive healthy relationships with others. She is less concerned about family of origin issues at this point in her career because she has seen so many thrive in spite of those issues. I found her perspective to be a good reminder. I know that I've overcome many FOO issues over the years. There are probably still more ahead of me.
Next sunday will be difficult for XH and X-SIL because of the holiday. I am putting together a DVD of photos and video of their mother for them. X-SIL suggested that I take XH out to lunch that day.
So...........I guess I am still on the rollercoaster (blech!!!!!) but eyeing my September re-evaluation date. I'm sharing all of this information in the hopes that it can help us put the puzzle pieces together for one another. I am in the process of filling my dance card for the summer with fun activities with friends and family. I already have some fun events planned.
Sorry to hear that MIL has left a big hole in your life, we can never estimate how we will feel when someone has gone, my own MIL and I were never really close but I was quite surprised one day to find myself in tears over some thing she had given me and seemed somewhat a small gesture at the time.
Good to hear Mr GAG is moving forward albeit it still small steps, but forwards is always good, keep your expectations low still as I found Mr Rabbits progress on this front to be slow and also one step back for every three forward, and I found this frustrating even though Mr Rabbit's return to normality was a little speedier than Mr GAG, hang in there kiddo!
Some thing always to spur all you ladies on, Mr Rabbit who has always been low key on the romance front and never really celebrated a wedding anniversary with nothing more than a card and maybe dinner out, oh and occasionally flowers! Well he has excelled himself this year of our 25th wedding anniversary, the short version is theatre, steam train rides with dinner, three days in Vienna to see the Spanish Riding school perform and dinner on the Danube for our anniversary, all organised to within an inch of his life bless him.. I really felt some what deflated about his sneaky return home and the lack of the second honeymoon everyone promised/suggested would happen but yippee he has excelled himself and pulled the Rabbit out the hat! Only two weeks to go and I will report in full on the Alt for those that wish to catch up!
Good to see some of you others over there so to speak, will keep popping in to see how you all are, take care xx
____________________________
W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
GAG, I hope that you were able to get through your h mother passing and have time to grieve. My mother died March 12th. My h picked me up from the airport then left me. These MLC men dont know how to handle stresses so they sink deeper in MLC. Thinking of you!! Kee
I have been lurking and trying to keep up with the happenings around here but haven’t posted in quite awhile. I’m not sure, but I think XH may have opened the browser on my computer a couple weeks ago when he was at my house with his sister having dinner. I’ve been laying low since then wondering if he saw this site or figured out who I am. Just in case, I took down my photo in the alt.
I’d like to extend long overdue thanks to Seeking, Rabbit, and CW for checking in on my on my thread. Your support has always meant the world to me. Helped me to get through some very dark days and nights. KEE, I’m sorry for what you have been going through, but glad that you found this site. There are lots of wonderful people here.
I wasn’t sure what affect X-MIL’s death would have on XH, me, and our R as it is. Jody has told me that I should continue to be compassionate. I think that is very good advice, but I will admit that I became discouraged in mid-April when I read the book “The Intimacy Struggle” by Janet Woititz. Dr. Woititz is the person who did much of the initial work describing “adult children of alcoholics” (ACOAs) and how their childhood in a home with an alcoholic parent affects their adult Rs. In this book there is a section (pg. 20-22) that describes very closely what I think happened in my R with XH. If this is the case with XH, it makes me question whether he will be able to recognize his difficulty with intimacy. I actually had a frank convo with his sister 1 week ago and she stated with certainty that her brother has not dealt with the way that being an ACOA has affected his Rs. This, in turn, makes me question the wisdom of continuing to think XH might change. I spoke with Jody about these doubts in late April. She told me that in her early years working as a therapist she put much more stock in psychological paradigms like the one described above, but having seen so many people change over the years has made her realize that people DO change for the better in spite of childhood traumas and mental health issues. I know that what she says is true. I, myself, changed dramatically in my 20’s after reading John Bradshaw’s book “Bradshaw: On the Family”.
I am going to reproduce the section of this book that I think describes what happened with XH here because it may help someone who reads this. In this section the author is addressing the ACOA.
“Chances are that you (the ACOA) did not experience the bonding in your early years that children in more typical homes did, especially if your mother was the dysfunctional parent. You could not depend on your parents taking care of your needs in a consistent way. You could not depend on being held and loved to solve your fears and calm your hurts. You could not trust that your mother would nurture you when you felt badly, whether you were right or wrong.
This affects the way you become involved in intimate Rs and the intensity of that involvement today………..
…………If adults who are products of homes where bonding never took place invest at all, they invest at once, heavily and on a deep emotional level. They seize the opportunity for bonding and are deeply involved before they know what is happening.
In the early stages of a R, there is great intensity of feelings. The body chemistry that attracts you to each other is activated and both parties are super-attentive and super-involved. You (the ACOA) understand this degree of intensity because it feels to you like the energy you experience in a crisis.
This is a time when both parties greatly desire fusion. You are on each other’s minds all the time ---- the desire to be together is great. Emotionally, it is a very powerful time.
These early stages are probably more an “involvement” than a R. It is the playing out of a fantasy. You cannot sustain the intensity which is so appealing. This is just a dynamite beginning, not what a healthy R is all about.
Initially this is flattering to the new partner and the closeness feels good. ……………..But after a while ………. Your partner, if healthy, will stop wanting to be devoted completely and exclusively to the R. Life holds other priorities as well. As a result, the aura of the ideal love evaporates and things begin to be put into perspective.
When life begins to normalize, the intensity decreases ……………. You (the ACOA) feel let down and rejected. You feel that your partner no longer cares because he no longer desires to spend every moment with you. From your point of view, this feels like abandonment (XH actually told me that he dropped the bomb because he felt abandoned). It’s the drunk vs. sober parent scenario once again. You feel the gaping hole inside you even more deeply than before.
Clutching at your partner will force him into the “I love you, go away” stance, even though your beloved still cares. If you continue to play out your script, you will set yourself up for what you fear the most: rejection and abandonment. Then you will feel very confused because all you wanted was a loving R, and you will think once again you picked the wrong person. The truth may be that you were asking unrealistic things of your R. It is important that you be very clear about what you want your R to fulfill within you so that you avoid this situation.
On the other hand, you may react by deciding you no longer care and leave the budding R. If this is your choice, it may mean you are “hooked” on intensity and have fooled yourself into equating intensity with the R itself. Or it may mean that you are terrified about beginning the process of getting to know and being known by another person. It’s probably a little of both.”
I have been cycling and doing a lot of soul searching since reading this because I really think this is what happened with us. In retrospect I see that this really has been XH’s pattern for the last 15 or so years. Ours was the 2nd longest R he’s ever had. I know what Jody said is true and a recent post by 25yearsmlc reinforced Jody’s words by reminding me that ACOAs CAN and DO at times work on developing healthy Rs even if they come from a legacy of addiction.
I’ll try to post an update of what’s been happening sometime soon.
I think XH may have opened the browser on my computer a couple weeks ago when he was at my house with his sister having dinner. I’ve been laying low since then wondering if he saw this site or figured out who I am.
Just in case, I took down my photo in the alt.
Sooooo your XH has been out to the house now at least a couple of times?????
That is a good thing.....right????
More info?????
I miss my Thursday morning updates after your Wednesday night TT....
BTW...you may want to have someone else you are not friends with on FB to check your profile to make sure that your "privacy settings are keeping your other pics private, or check using your actual FB identity.
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
I've am dealing with a somewhat similar situation with XH right now and trying to find my way as well. I have been on an emotional journey this summer but I'm sorry that I haven't taken the time to journal about it on my thread (if it even still exists somewhere???).
It exists........;)
So if you are inclined.......I for one would certainly love an update.
Cheers ~C
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
It snowed on the baseball game earlier this week. 
Thanks for stopping by earlier. Waiting for an update on YOUR situation.