MHL, Cas, CW, Sanderika, and Seeking, your kind words of wisdom really helped to calm me before the funeral yesterday. I am indebted to you all.
Mila, on Wednesday you posted just before I wrote my reply to everyone, so I wanted to make sure to thank you for your supportive words. I always appreciate your responses.
MHL, thanks for your reminder to just relax and enjoy TT with Mr. GAG and X-SIL. That helped to focus me. X-SIL was pretty good at TT for a beginner. Last night I gave X-SIL my first TT paddle and a TT ball wrapped as a gift. She said she has been looking for a sport that she and her H can play together and thinks this might be a possibility because he plays tennis.
Cas, Seeking, Cadet, Punkin, and Sanderika, thank you for celebrating with me that things went better than expected yesterday AND for reminding me to have NO EXPECTATIONS at this point. I need that reminder right now. I'm trying to figure out if I should email XH tomorrow after his sister flies out to offer to do something with him tomorrow evening if he likes. For 30 years he has had dinner with his mother on sunday evenings (although in the last year I think he switched that to monday evenings) and may be feeling lonely then.
Originally Posted By: seeking answers
There is something I'm curious about. XH told you that he told BMF that he wanted to be alone. Did BMF just come over anyway?
Seeking, you are very astute to note this. BMF and X-SIL drove plants and everything else from the chapel to XH's house. XH had to run an important errand and joined them at the house about 30 minutes later. X-SIL said that XH walked in, told them both he wanted to be alone, and went upstairs. She said he'd done that a couple times earlier in the week. After a few minutes BMF went upstairs and stayed there until just before I left (2 1/2 hours). X-SIL thought that was very weird. I think it is very weird because BMF had a terrible R with his mother and I couldn't imagine him comforting XH..............One insight I think I've gained from this whole scenario is that the only thing that would keep BMF from interfering in XH's future R's is if XH could see through him enough to set boundaries. It's been hard for me not to give BMF headspace, but I probably need to be focusing more on becoming the best GAG ever.......for myself and whomever I share my life with in the future.
Originally Posted By: Sanderika
I think he knows exactly how much you mean to him and he is going to make sure that he doesn't push you out of his life again. You will be seeing a lot more of Mr. GAG.
I think the cat is out of the bag, so to speak, in that 2 people close to him (his sister and long-time female friend) know that I still care deeply for XH. Not great DB'ing but I think my actions have been saying this for a long time so probably not much of a surprise. XH has also reached out to me more in the past week than in the previous several months. Not sure if he'll pull back a lot this time because he will be lonely without all of his visits to his mother's place.
BMF is such a very selfish man. Even after being told by XH that he wanted (needed is more like it) alone time, BMF went upstairs anyway. This man doesn't have the ability to have compassion or listen. Had XH wanted BMF to follow him he would have said so....BMF went upstairs for his own entertainment. He should have gone home!
Your XH needs to spend time alone to grieve his mother's passing. It will take him longer if he is constantly being entertained and isn't given the time and space to come to terms with this death in his own timetable and no one else. He is the only one who can face the pain this loss is causing. It is personal. It will take a long time.
XH shouldn't have to tell BMF how he feels or what he needs. If BMF was all that in tuned with XH he would know it already and do the right thing. That is what a good friend does.
BMF will continue to come between XH and everything worth while in his life for selfish reasons. BMF is jealous of XH. BMF has an unhealthy approach to this friendship in that he is obsessed with being front and center in XH's life. Perhaps one day XH will be able to see the forest through the trees on this one.
(((((GAG))))) I think I would allow XH some time alone after his sister leaves. He is apt to need that time to actually "break-down" while he is alone to do so. It would be best if it happens sooner or later and he may be trying to be strong while he has attention and eyes watching.
I wonder instead if you could put something in his fridge in case he's hungry(?) If you are going to be going over to say goodbye to X-SIL and her H, this might work very well.....just something to think about.
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
What a turn of events the last few days! I think you are wise to anticipate a possible temporary pulling back from your xH...maybe he won't but always good to be prepared!
The follow up email was very nice and shows he really did need you there and appreciate that you were there!
As for BMF...I don't know...sometimes besties think that they are "above" or excluded from requests...maybe he thought that even tho xH wanted to be alone that that meant alone from everyone but him...would xH be the type to let him stay even if he didn't want him there?
I like sanderika's idea of filling the fridge!!!!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
Good to hear the funeral all went as smoothly as possible. You DB'd amazingly hun. Just goes to show that "taking the long route" so often talks to so many people all though takes longer for the WAS to get the point. I expect H will pull back now, you have shown him every thing he needs to see, he just needs to decide he wants it now, this is the hardest bit I reckon waiting for them to decide!
Its gonna be hard now, but maybe the best thing is to go say bye to SIL leave some thing for him to eat (excuse to bring dish back) and then walk away yourself. He needs to miss you hun!
Interesting that he told BMF he wanted space and BMF thought it didnt apply to him. But the good news is he tried to make a stand with BMF even though it didnt work this time. In Mr Rabbits case the BFF was my sister a friendship he rekindled when he thought we were over, I know she had a big impact on him moving out and when she came to visit thought she'd done me a favour by finding him somewhere to live. BF of the incorrect type seem to have a hold over them that is really hard to break. Once Mr Rabbit had decided for our marriage, and came home, I had strict boundaries about her, but at first it was impossible to get him to stick to them, but the more he wanted me the less he wanted her friendship, and its now been quite a while since I have had to "put my foot down" so to speak..
Have you booked for TT this week? If you have Id be tempted to play but no drink/eating afterwards, like I said before he has to feel your loss..
Anyway hun Im so proud of you, you really did good and if all of this just comes to nothing you can hold your head well high xx
Rabbit
____________________________
W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Thank you Sanderika, CW, Rabbit, and Mila, for your encouragement and insights.
I've thought more about the events of friday and I think that X-SIL really helped me to overcome 2 big hurdles that every DB'er faces: (1) demonstrating to the MLCer's family/friends that he and I are friendly and (2) engineering my 1st visit to XH's house (it will be easier for him to have me over now --- I am planning to be complimentary about his house when I see him next). Regarding #1, in our case it must have had a lot of visual impact for the group to see that we could sit almost next to each other at the memorial service and to hear what an important role I had in his mother's life. This gives his friends/co-workers permission to talk to him about me in a positive manner, particularly after I had friendly conversations with many of them. No doubt these people have also heard the blow-by-blows of his unlucky attempts at dating since our D.
Originally Posted By: Sanderika
BMF will continue to come between XH and everything worth while in his life for selfish reasons. BMF is jealous of XH.
Sanderika, I am curious why you think that BMF is jealous of XH? I have always thought that BMF was jealous of anyone that threatened to come between him and XH. XH is really BMF's only good friend. I think that if XH had been M'ed or had someone special in his life, BMF wouldn't have been sitting next to XH at the funeral. I think BMF was XH's "date" for his mother's funeral. I didn't see BMF display any emotions at the funeral, even though he is notorious for crying at the drop of a hat (in movies, when he repeatedly begged his X-GF to take him back). Whenever he sees me he normally comes up to me and gives me a great, big fake hug. He didn't do that at the funeral. I initiated a genuine hug to him and he looked taken back a bit.
The financial planner that H/XH and I used invited me to go to church and dinner afterward with him and his W next weekend. This gentleman is a very nice man (M'ed 40 yrs), socializes with XH sometimes, and is a neighbor of XH's business partner (tight-knit neighborhood). I accepted. I will have to be careful not to say TOO much to him and his W but I would like to impress on him that right now XH really needs the friendship of some very mature, caring men. I hope that if XH is surrounded by mature, caring men, their influence will offset that of the narcissistic BMF. I may allude to BMF's unsavory activities without telling this gentleman the specifics.
Sanderika, CW, and Rabbit, good idea about bringing XH food. I essentially did that on friday evening when I visited his sister. I brought over a small frozen casserole (family favorite) that I had prepared for his mother. X-SIL put it in the fridge.
There were 4 big plants/flower arrangements at the memorial service. The one I ordered was quite unique and beautiful with large sprays of orchids. I know XH's taste and I know that he will put it in a prominent place in his home and admire it.
Originally Posted By: courageous wife
The follow up email was very nice and shows he really did need you there and appreciate that you were there!
CW, I think you're right about this. Thanks for pointing this out.
Originally Posted By: Lost Rabbit
Once Mr Rabbit had decided for our marriage, and came home, I had strict boundaries about her, but at first it was impossible to get him to stick to them, but the more he wanted me the less he wanted her friendship, and its now been quite a while since I have had to "put my foot down" so to speak..
Rabbit, I always appreciate your insight about the BFF/BMF's negative impact. I have heard several people, who were at the funeral, say negative things about BMF because of his shenanigans, so I imagine he felt uncomfortable around them. I hear what you're saying about letting XH miss me, but I'm wondering if this is the wrong time for that? XH felt abandoned by me, so my biggest 180� when I started DB'ing was to "be there" for him and his family. I think that I have an opportunity now to get closer to XH. There is no serious OW and I will be able to comfort XH in a way that BMF cannot because I am a kind, caring person and because I can reminisce with him about his mother. He can grieve WITH me in a way that he cannot grieve with others. He and I share this bond. I think I am going to email him to suggest that we go out to eat after TT this week. I also think that I'm going to schedule another session with Jody since a lot has happened and I know there is no serious OW. My gut tells me that I need to make a move now with XH. It just needs to be carefully thought out.
A little while ago I got a text from X-SIL (at the airport flying home) saying she'd like to talk to me but she was crying too much to talk. I am curious about whether she actually got to talk to XH about his difficulty communicating?
CW, thanks for stopping by. You are doing very well yourself!
I've been sorting through 2 1/2 years worth of "stuff" in my office. Much of this has been piled here since the bomb and during the D.
Came across an e-mail that H/XH sent me 1 month before the bomb. We always gave each other cards or emails on the 13th of each month because that was the anniversary of the day we met each month:
"Happy Anniversary Honey! And with that I will say it will be a joy to be on vacation with you!! I know we're both looking forward to reconnecting and relaxing.....we need it!! Love, G"
Just goes to show you how well these MLCers hide their unhappiness. Hard to know that someone is unhappy when they send you emails like this.
GAG I can relate to that...still can't forget the loving card H gave to me on Mother's day...3 months into his affair...saying how much he loves me and that I'm the best wife in the world...hard to understand isn't it....
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
