Better days are coming for ALL of us. II

[lostinscared]

So....

H is back at home, I think? He said he was giving 30 days notice to apartment complex this week. We'll see.

He's been around all weekend, but working a lot. Things are definitely STRANGE. There were more than a few times that I almost completely LOST it because he's on quite the roller coaster ride. One minute, he's coming home because he misses ME. The next minute, he's coming home because he misses home. One minute he's distant and in another land, the next, he's completely in the moment.

We had some really good talks. We talked about the breakdown and we talked about how his reactions were pretty normal given that he felt that I emotionally abandoned him. He's feeling a lot of guilt for something, though. I think the OW. I told him that if he comes home, he needs to understand that I'm not perfect and that I am going to screw up. I said that I can't handle him walking out every time he's unhappy. He said that he understood that and would stop doing that. Who knows if that is true? He is definitely still confused. I think that I'm right about OW and he's still working his way through that. At times I'm more patient than others.

So, where have I screwed up??? Well, when he said that he wanted to come home, I immediately backed off of GAL. It was like I was waiting for him. That was bad. I was getting angrier by the second. No good reason, just what was going on inside. By this weekend, I had stopped that and went back to my GAL activiies where I could. I got walloped with a pretty bad migraine that took me out for a day and a half. But I still managed to do for myself and not wait for him to help me.

Remaining somewhat detached works better for me, but I have to be careful because it really is a sore spot for him. Last night, I left work and went to the gym for a couple of hours. When I do these things, he seems to draw closer.

This morning, taking a cue from Bolt's wife, I paraded around the house in short shorts. Now THAT got his attention and it felt kind of good. Because of my weight loss, I needed to buy a whole new wardrobe of lingerie. Spent a boatload of money yesterday doing that. It felt AWESOME!!! Never do I spend that much money on myself. And I bought a lot of stuff that was sexy. Let's just say that God endowed me and I mostly like what is comfortable and functional. But I went in the complete opposite direction and that just made me excited!!! I guess it's all about feeling good inside and I really have had to work on that with a LOT of help from my friends here.

I guess at the end of the day, I'm waiting for the dam to burst like Bolt. Because I know it will. I don't know when, but I know we are a little ways off from that. But I need to prepare and in the meantime do what is healthy for me and my relationship.

I'm praying for all of you and can't thank you enough for your continued support because left to my own devices, I have an incredible ability to screw things up. My lack of patience and my anger issues still need A LOT of work.

LIS

[MsRae]

Couple of things...there are some really good articles and videos on the DB FB site that you should check out.

He's feeling a lot of guilt for something, though. I think the OW.

Has ever admitted there was an OW?

This morning, taking a cue from Bolt's wife, I paraded around the house in short shorts. Now THAT got his attention and it felt kind of good. Because of my weight loss, I needed to buy a whole new wardrobe of lingerie. Spent a boatload of money yesterday doing that. It felt AWESOME!!! Never do I spend that much money on myself. And I bought a lot of stuff that was sexy. Let's just say that God endowed me and I mostly like what is comfortable and functional. But I went in the complete opposite direction and that just made me excited!!! I guess it's all about feeling good inside and I really have had to work on that with a LOT of help from my friends here.

I think this was a brilliant move! Nothing like feeling great about yourself AND someone noticing that you ARE looking great. This is a 180 as well, which will keep him on his toes.

My lack of patience and my anger issues still need A LOT of work.

What are you angry about, hon?

[sparks14]

LIS - I see progress! Keep it up. You are doing great!

[JustStunned]

LIS, good for you on all points! Keep faith you will persevere.

[Denver_2010]

This morning, taking a cue from Bolt's wife, I paraded around the house in short shorts. Now THAT got his attention and it felt kind of good. Because of my weight loss, I needed to buy a whole new wardrobe of lingerie. Spent a boatload of money yesterday doing that. It felt AWESOME!!! Never do I spend that much money on myself. And I bought a lot of stuff that was sexy. Let's just say that God endowed me and I mostly like what is comfortable and functional. But I went in the complete opposite direction and that just made me excited!!! I guess it's all about feeling good inside and I really have had to work on that with a LOT of help from my friends here.

That IS awesome LIS... Good for you! Even if we sometimes pretend that we're not noticing or appreciating... Men LOVE this kind of stuff... LOVE IT!

BITS
Denver

[angel61]

Good news LIS. We all do screw up, and after reading what you posted, I feel more forgiving to myself for having lost it last night.

I did not want to talk about it to H, because I fear what he will think (I am weak, etc.) but maybe it is better if he understands that I am just human and could cave in under the huge pressure. Well of course its not like he does not know, right?

[lostinscared]

He'll deny to his deathbed that there was OW. Sadly, he's been in this spot once before we met with his ex-fiancee. He lied to her as well. So, I'm not all that moved by his denials. I know what he is capable of.

I'm still angry, I think, because of him walking out. I can't help it, it's just how I feel. But I really try to put it away for now. He's still angry with me too. I can tell. So it's not like the both of us haven't wronged one another. The question is, how do we move on?

Angel, I'm not sure that H knows it until you say it. I felt that my H walking away every time I did something he didn't like was childish and certainly hampering our interactions. I was advised by several here not to say something, but in the end, I found that I couldn't live with it. So I did say something and it turned out to be a productive conversation.

Anyway, just got back from doctor's office. Nothing earth shattering but a couple of weird things came up. Called H on way back to tell him and he really couldn't have cared less. Rather than get upset, I just told him that I had to go. This is NOT fun.

Thanks for all the great words of encouragement!!!

LIS

[Denver_2010]

The question is, how do we move on?

Counseling and...

Moments with one another that don't revolve around the problems with your M...

LIS, I've spent 7 days straight with my W and we have only discussed R one time ... The rest of our moments together have been spent grieving her grandma's passing, hanging out with her family, having drinks together, dinner, talking about 'other' stuff...

Even though I still sense that invisible wall between us, it has weakened substantially over the last week.

I attribute this to just being 'us'... together... not focusing on the bad...

Have you asked your H on that date yet????

BITS
Denver

[lostinscared]

Counseling is out of the question. He refuses and I'm not going to push it.

I asked him out on the date. That didn't go so well. Forgot to mention that. I mean he said yes but you know it was like when the TSA people ask if they can give you a colonoscopy. I mean you say yes, BUT really you don't have a choice.

Now, we spent a lot of time this weekend hanging out and not talking about R issues. But for us, that wall is still there.

He's just very up and down at the moment. Tough roller coaster.

[angel61]

I know what you mean. It hurts to think that our H don't care after all the time together. I sometimes wonder if I get a terminal illness and die will H ever cry..... I even think that maybe the panic attacks, etc. happen to me as a way to get H attention and to see that he cares.

LIS, maybe you are right. Just like we can't mind read so can't our H's. Perhaps it is better to at least try to explain. I did a little but I made sure it was something that he realizes is not forever. But I think in his mind, H already imagined that everything would not be as bad as he is seeing it is, and now he is realizing what kind of destruction his actions have caused. I tried to hide it initially, not even telling him about the problems I got at work from losing my productivity, but of course he had to know sooner or later. I guess I am still trying to protect him, or else worse, I am trying to appear stronger than I am for some ulterior motive (I am not sure what, I have tried to analyze myself so much that I get confused too).

I have been posting now for some time and what I see is that it is like we are on the ocean - there are different types of waves, and sometimes a group of us are up, then its another, then another.....

We all try to get off our spouses coaster but honestly, we only do it maybe 40% of the time.

Got to be honest with ourselves, course correct, and just take one step at a time.