I have a book that you may want to pick up and read - it is about a couple that divorced - were apart for a number of years, and are now remarried and stronger and more in love with each other than ever before. It is called
"I Do Again" by Jeff and Cheryl Scruggs. If you google that or go to Amazon I am sure you will find it. It is an excellent book, one filled with faith and hope for those who never give up. I would recommend that you pick it up.
Hope is a POWERFUL thing
M-58 W-56 Married 33 years BOMB -Sept/10 Separated 8 months
BITS (of Fruit) Firstlove
"Go Confidently in the direction of YOUR dreams - Live the life you've imagined" - Thoreau
I've read that book. It gave me hope in the days just before and after my D. I liked the way the book is written from both the WAW's and the LBS' perspectives so that you know what they each were thinking at different times in their situation. The authors also have a website and if you google them you can find YouTube videos of interviews they've done.
ChrisHB, I highly recommend DB coaching! I have gone to therapists a few other times in my life (i.e. parents' death, 1st D) and my DB coach (Jody) is by far the best therapist I've ever worked with. I started working with her fairly soon after the bomb and I really think that my XH and I wouldn't have the friendly R we have if it wasn't for her recommendations. The focus of my work with Jody was to work toward reconciliation with H/XH. She had many, many novel ideas of things that I could do to work toward this goal.
I've read your threads and I would recommend that before you invest in DB coaching you think about what your primary goal is with counseling. That way you will be prepared for the time that you spend talking with the coach. I always spend a couple hours preparing notes for my coaching sessions. That way I make the best use of our time in the session and it forces me to review what has happened in my situation recently. Sometimes I am really surprised at how many interactions I've had with XH in the recent past. When I right it all down, I can see trends that I didn't realize were there before.
You've had a lot of significant losses recently. You may want to focus on your mental health right now and wait to focus on trying to reconnect with your XW. Dealing with your personal stressors should make you feel more grounded and relaxed and as a result may actually draw your XW to you. Certainly, the DB coaches are experienced therapists so they could help you to clarify where you want to focus your efforts at this time.
The "I Do Again" book and website and Youtube videos are indeed excellent - and they too gave me hope. I am not yet divorced but my WAW simply refuses to talk to me about our R - it is a non-topic - whenever I try to bring it up she simply says "I am not talking about this - do not bring it up". I have a DB coach and we are walking thru this and other issues, but it sure is FRUSTRATING to be putting in so much DB work and effort and time when you are doing all the work and your spouse simply does not care one bit if you build a new relationship or not - when you are the only one who cares - it makes for very lonely days and nights let me tell you.
I agree though, the DB coach program is well worth it. Did your H ever put any effort into reconciliation before your D, even while you were doing DB coaching - or did he just give up and walk away like my wife has ?
M-58 W-56 Married 33 years BOMB -Sept/10 Separated 8 months
BITS (of Fruit) Firstlove
"Go Confidently in the direction of YOUR dreams - Live the life you've imagined" - Thoreau
FL, no, my H/XH pushed relentlessly for the D beginning within 1-2 months after the bomb. 6 months after the bomb he finally told me why he left while we were working on the terms of the D decree. He told me "I don't know why I don't want to work on our M and I don't know if I ever will". I had been DB'ing for about 5 months by that time. It was pretty apparent to me right after the bomb that H/XH didn't want to go to M counseling because he was afraid to face demons from his childhood. H/XH went to counseling at the end of his 1st M, but in that case his wife was anorexic and had OCD and he was able to vilify her (she had been in and out of treatment a few times). Since I don't have that type of psychopathology, H/XH probably realized that it would be harder to pin the blame on me.
I don't mind you replying to FL at all here. It helps me out too. My W/XW's childhood was traumatic for her as well. Her father had abandoned the home when she was 9 (my daughter's age at the time of the Bomb), and her mother went into a major depression. Her Grandmother was her only stabilizing force in her life. At age 9, she basically had to take over responsibility for fending for her and her brother. She and her Grandmother became best of friends. About the time we'd met, her father was trying to get back into her life again. She has accepted him, but is not close.
Her Grandmother passed away a few years ago. When she started going through her MLC, she sought out a counselor that basically told her it was okay to determine that this half of her life was behind her now, "you've grieved the loss of your marriage. Now it's time to move on and figure out how you're going to have to live the second half of your life." She was a "move on" type of counselor rather than one who could help her through her grieving of her Grandmother and the trauma of her childhood.
