The Lies and Deception Killing Me

[abbey1989]

Hi,
My H has almost certainly been having an affair with OW for about 2 years or so. She was a former client of ours. She divorced her husband around that time. Was a BIG red flag for me at that time. All the signs have been there...MLC, purchase of a classic convertible, a new motorcycle, increased grooming (especially in certain areas), spending less time at home, doing more things "alone" on Saturdays.

I must say H did a pretty good job of not slipping up in all of this time. He even has a "secret cell phone" which he just accidentally called me from last week. Boy was he surprised when I answered! Honestly, I have found no evidence of receipts or lipstick on the collar so to speak.

I have been trying to do 180's, and am just finding it so difficult to stay cheerful when I feel cheated, lonely and ridiculed by his behavior. I don't want o appear mopey and sad because that will make him want to run to OW more. But I feel like a fake when acting cheerful when I feel horrible.

Does anyone have any strategies with staying cheerful but not appearing phony or fake? I know he knows that I am upset about the cell phone revelation. He of course made up a lame story as to why he was calling from another number. The kicker was that he even left a message on my cell phone from that number thinking he was leaving it for OW (pretty certain of that).

Any advice is much appreciated!

Me - 46
H - 52

[TulsaTime]

It does feel fake in the beginning. If you can stay cheerful and upbeat, as part of the new you, it will become more natural even tually.

Build yourself a life with things you love and love to do as well. That will take you a long way towards your own happiness.

[abbey1989]

Thanks TulsaTime....

I did read the DR book two years ago and even worked with a DB coach over the phone. Jodie was GREAT by the way if she is still with the organization.

The lies. I don't know if I'll ever trust again. I almost think that if he flat out told me the truth it would be easier to deal with. I think if I knew the A was over, I could deal with it better. But knowing that it is not, and she works where I attend college makes me want to quit school! And it took me so long to get back in. (just started last month!)

I don't want to be that crazy stalker wife, but I am drawn to finding out more about OW. Why is she so great? What does she have that I don't have? I'll admit it...I've googled her. She has done some pretty amazing things...but she is not a mom. She hasn't worked full time, run her own business and prepared two children to go off to college. She's been divorced twice. Not even that pretty. So why I ask myself?

I have really worked on ME in the last two years, but the recent revelation just kicked me back to the curb.

I have honestly never felt pain like this before. It hurts to my core. Still not sleeping or eating. It helps to come here and I also picked up a Joel Osteen book that has some really great messages. Thanks for listening...

[abbey1989]

H looked nice when he left for work today. He knows I have school tonight. Last Tuesday (day after v-day) I got home from school before he got home from his day. He said he had a drink with a work associate (right?). He was surprised that I was home before him.

So...in my mind....he was probably with OW while I was at class. Doesn't help that she actually works where I am going to school. I can't get it out of my mind. My feelings go back and forth from being sad, depressed, angry, hurt to mad and *issed for being in this place at 46. This is NOT how I envisioned my family life at this age.

Then I faultered this a.m. on my DB'ing. I gave H a new watch for V-day but it needs to be fitted. I asked if he had it fitted yet since he didn't wear his ring anymore I'd like him to wear the watch. I am a complete moron. The fact that H doen't wear his ring speaks volumes. He was a man who would never be without his wedding ring until 2 years ago.

I feel like I am going crazy. I had the day off yesterday....and I actually drove aimlously around looking for H and OW where I thought they might be together. I just have this idea in my mind that if I could catch them together, he couldn't deny anymore. Pathetic I know.

I feel like I have to be guarded now. I know that we are each responsible for our own happiness. I am really an overall upbeat person...my friends call me "the nice one" of our group. I always try to see the good in people. I do the same with H but I feel this darkness and shadiness that scares me.

To top it off, my mom emailed me about a great promotion that my little brother just earned. She was so excited for him. So am I! I love my brother. He is actually the type of husband and father that I admire most. But this is what she wrote in the last paragraph of the email letting me know about my brother's promotion:

"By the way, not for one instant do we think anything less of you. You are one talented, bright, ambitious, beautiful, unappreciated woman. I don't think I could ever, in my life, do what you do. You are a gem, and if I could give you an award, it would be for "Most Outstanding Human Being on the Planet."

Odd for sure. I know she didn't mean to hurt my feelings, but with everything going on with H, and of course I can't tell anybody, I feel so closed off. I guess I should just learn to take a compliment even if it is a backhanded compliment.

Thanks for listening.

[kml]

What exactly would you like to do with the information if you had dead proof of the affair?

I'm asking because it's important to think this through.

Would you want it so you could confront him and break through the lies? Would you then be okay with it if that drove him to separate and be with her? Or are you fantasizing that this would be the thing that starts him to repair the marriage? It can go either way, you shouldn't confront him unless you are okay with either outcome.

Would you like to know for sure for YOU, so you can stop second guessing yourself and make a decision for your life based on the truth? Then go ahead and hire a private detective. I know I wouldn't be able to stand being in that position and not knowing.

Would you leave him if you knew for SURE? Are you in a position to leave (or to boot him) or should you be shoring up your financial situation first? Think carefully about your financial plans before you upset the applecart, I say. You might need to squirrel away an emergency fund, or plan to split the joint accounts the day you tell him, or might need to obtain financial records first before you boot him.

Or you might be one of those people who plans to DB and be positive and hope he drifts back from the affair - in which case, knowing more details about the affair will only drive you crazy. Pictures and love notes especially - don't look at them if you don't want to be haunted by them.

[abbey1989]

Thanks KML for your reply.

You're right...I don't know what I would do with absolute proof. Our finances like most marriage couples are very intermingled. Especially because our main source of income comes from H and our business. He is self employed, and I manage the office. I also work outside as a consultant part-time, but he is for sure the bread winner of the family. We have a son in his second year of college and a daughter getting ready to leave for college in the fall. Lots to consider.

As far as me "knowing", I think I want to know for my sanity's sake. He has accused me in the past of being non-trusting. Like that was my fault! Isn't trust earned? Is it my fault that he called me from his secret cell phone thinking he was calling OW? Is it my fault that he was surprised when I anwered? There are so many things he could do to earn my trust (if he wanted to). What about wearing the wedding ring? What about coming home early every once in awhile?

I know he has pressures with our business...as do I. I mean we are in the worst economic climate since the Great Depression. I feel so fortunate and blessed that we've made it this far financially.

Well..I have to go back to work now. H just called but I didn't pick up. I'm too upset and tired of small talk. I am sure he was just making his last check-in call before hooking up with OW this afternoon while I'm at class. Thankyou for listening...I have nowhere else to go.

[AJM80]

Abbey, for me, knowing took away the chance to win him back in some ways. Once I knew, he bolted to avoid the confrontations and feelings of guilt. I know this [censored], but keep doing what you are doing with DB'ing. I've seen amazing results in our interactions (whether we reconcile or not, he's treating me and our kids with respect a lot more than he was in the last year) and it's helped me let go of a lot of anger and hurt. I went from making myself be upbeat to it coming more naturally to me.

Some tips to help you through the "faking it" period- def make small concrete goals for your interactions with him and overall. I started reading/looking for news items for casual discussions. I look at things that interest me and share them sometimes. I'm spending more time with friends and family. (Your mom thinks you're awesome...she knows you better than anyone else in the world, so own how awesome you are). I wrote out a "bucket list" of things I wanr to do and things I have done and things I want, but don't think I can do (maybe I'll find a way to get them back on the to do side). I've started crossing things off and it feels great. Even little things, like trying new foods or helping others, can give you a boost.

Smile, it's sexy. (Thanks to Coach Chuck). Take some time for you - go tan, get hair or nails done, etc. Buy new jeans that make your butt look great. Simplify life - start dumping clutter and it is freeing. Be positive - did you hate the movie, but discover a new fav song? Get up, get out and do things. The hard thing will be getting him to do things with you vs using your absence to justify going to OW. More experienced people here can help you with that.

He's going to cheat on you with her until he realizes that he's cheating himself by missing out on his amazing wife. Find your inner glow, love yourself, and if he doesn't come back/leave her, you'll have a line of loving friends waiting for your time.

[AJM80]

Oh - another thing Chuck/some other resources made me realize...what is she giving him that you aren't? I wasn't appreciating my H (he was being crappy to me, but I can't "change" him without changing how we interact, can I)?

Well, I started making small comments when he looked nice, I made sure to thank him and notice when he did things for us, I really listened when he talked. You're not pursuing him, but you are treating him "like a stranger". If some acquaintance or coworker took out the trash, made a great sale, brought you coffee, held a door, or had a nice new suit or haircut, you'd probably make some polite, nice comment...makes them more likely to reciprocate.

That helped me to be positive, because it just improved the mood when he was around without me being weak or clingy or insanely mad/jealous.

[abbey1989]

Thanks AJM80....I really mean it.
Seems so strange to reach out to strangers for advice and to get these wonderful little lifelines is just so amazing. I'm in a state of depression. I don't want to be around anyone, or socialize, or see my parents, visit with my girlfriends, much less email them or keep in touch. I'm awake most of every night, and exhausted and so sad during the day. Hard to function. Will try to get to the gym today or go for a beach walk. Always a good mood lifter.

I'm trying though. And my goal today is to smile! Thanks for that little nugget.

A great passage in the book "Your Best Life Now" talks about Forgiving to be Free. If you want to be happy, if you want to be free, get the negativity out of your life. Quit holding on to it; let it go. Don't let the root of bitterness continue to poison your life"

I like that thought....just need to work on how to get there. I know that this A may have less to do with me and probably more to do with H and how he feels about himself. Doesn't make it any easier! I'm tiring of the big elephant in the room!

[abbey1989]

Well just saw H off to work. This is how pathetic I am. I know he has another cell phone (somewhere). I saw in his car this a.m. that the cell phone charger for that phone was plugged in. I asked him to borrow something out of the truck, followed him out there like a puppy, watched him open up the console (didn't see other cell phone). But the charger is there. Borrowed what I asked for and then took off for a walk. As I was returning from walk, H passed me on the road, stopped, rolled down the window (I was crying, listening to my ipod). I kind of brushed it off, and he asked if anything was going on tonight, I said no nothing. We went on our merry ways.

In my delusional mind, I really thought he would get rid of phone, break up with OW after two weeks ago when he saw how I reacted to his idiotic lie (the one about calling me from a strange number and leaving message for OW). But no, he still has the other cell phone charger, plugged in in his truck.

Last week he was very loving, this week he has been rather standoffish. I am sick to my stomach. If I confront without absolute hard eveidence, he is going to deny (like he has done over the last couple of years when this came up). I am trying so hard to be strong and not needy. I feel like I'm living a lie. I keep teling myself I'm not going to be the one to initiate sex (but did again this a.m.) Did go to gym yesterday and burned off a lot of stress. Nowhere to go and so hurt.