That was a pretty well-controlled and executed conversation you had there, LITB! The relationship talk could've been dicy, but judging from the context of your conversation, it played out well. Now, whether it means anything...please leave any thoughts at the front door. You did good and I'm glad your coach helped you with the letter as well.
Thanks Alamo. I hope something from my letter or something I say will resonate in her mind to try to work on our M. I know she notices the 180's/changes that I have made, because she comments on them often.
She has even commented on the times that I have left the house without letting her know where I am going. As precise as to how long I am gone.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
I wanted to journal this while I am thinking about it.
Monday evening the W asked me if I could get her directions to the document company for her appointment yesterday.
M: (jokingly) I'll get you directions, but you might end up 250 miles in the opposite direction. W: I better get them myself. M: (still joking) I'm not sure why I do anything for you. W: because you like me. M: because I like you, huh? W: because you love me.
I left it at that. BTW, I don't tell her ILY anymore.
The reason I typed that was to get to this point. One of my 180s is that I will text her right before I leave work to find out if she needs me to run any errands forget. Never used to do this before. Here's today's convo:
M: Hey you. Any stops today? I will be leaving in a few. W: Hey there! No stops today. Thanks for always asking.... M: Of course not a problem. It's because I like you. W: lol!!! I like you too!!! End
I might get a 2x4 for that. IDK. Not to worry. It wasn't long lasted. When I got home she was working on the petition.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
You've mentioned buying more time to DB, but you haven't said your plan of action. DBing is not just sitting around hoping she'll end her affair or that something is said that gets through to her. It's true that you can't control her, but hopefully, you can be a huge influence.
From what you've posted, I see where your W is angry b/c you "let it come to this", which means (IMHO) at one time she saw you as the leader over the family & marriage. Other things she's said seems that she wanted you to protect her (take care of her) emotionally. But you didn't see it....and let her down.
She doesn't love OM. She was bored in the MR, and mad at you. OM just gave her a "what if" fantasy that quickly became an addiction.
She probably wondered what it would take to stir you up, especially if you've be rather passive over the years. She has zero respect for OM. When a woman tells you how she wiped her feet all over a man.....rest assured, she doesn't want that man for her H. Sooner or later, she will test him to see if she can step on him like she did in the past. But you don't need to tell her what she feels or doesn't feel....she will have to figure it out.
She is using OM, trying to fill a fantasy....but when she starts to see him as he really is, she'll remember why she use to treat him so badly. But oh those feel-good chemicals she's received. That's really what she wants to continue. She thinks this is what it's going to take to make her happy!
You, in the meantime, are just rolling in whatever direction she pushes you. Thank goodness you decided to speak up for the kids! (Just to know she could sit there and tell that little 4 yr old son and the 7 yr old daughter that mommy was leaving them soon.....paints a keen picture of what her priorities are like.
I think she longs for a man who she can't push around. She wants a man who will show his emotional/mental strength. A woman wants to feel she can lean on her H to take care of the problems, her children, and of her. She doesn't want to hear a bunch of words from you, but she wants to see self-confidence in you. You said she noticed your 180's. Which ones did she comment on?
A woman doesn't respect her H, when she can cheat with OM. She lost respect before she cheated. She needs to see a lot from you in the next few months, b/c I doubt she will be ready to give up her addiction in that short time. So, what can you do that would cause her to respect you?
Not allowing her to take advantage of a situation or of you. Not caving to make her "single life" more pleasant and certainly not providing anything to enable her A.
Don't allow her to talk disrespectful to you in front of your children. You are a role model for both your S and your D, and they are going to be watching daddy to see what the man's role is suppose to be.
A WAW who is in an A doesn't respect a man who won't control his emotions. If you have to cry, then leave the house or go into the bathroom and bury your face in some towells. A WAW in an A has a certain coldness and that's why you cannot allow yourself to show weakness around her.
The subject of boundaries has already been mentioned. In order to have boundaries, you need to be able to identify them. Know what you want. Be prepared to have them tested. Know what the consequences will be if broken. This is not something I have read in the DR book, but I have been a WAW in an A.
You can be a nice guy without being a passive one. I believe a WAW in an A hates passivity so badly that it causes her to act out even more bad behavior b/c in her heart she wants to see what it would take for her H to stand up to her.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You can be a nice guy without being a passive one. I believe a WAW in an A hates passivity so badly that it causes her to act out even more bad behavior b/c in her heart she wants to see what it would take for her H to stand up to her.
I am always interested to read your comments since you have been the person on the other side of this whole thing, BUT, be careful not to take your story and apply it to every other sitch out there. Every situation is unique.
One thing I never had a problem with was standing up to my wife, in fact, our relationship was the complete opposite. Her inability to stand up to me, is what broke her down. Then she finally took all the bottled up frustration and exploded.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
From my perspective, I would fight tooth and nail to keep my relationship with my children.
You have as much right as she does to your kids. Why should she dictate that?
Don't let your feelings or your W cause you to agree to this. It won't change her feelings for you.
I'm going to fight for my kids. She's making a mistake by leaving the kids here while she tries to get established in another state. That gives me time to prove I can care for the kids without her help. It's her choice to wreck our family and my choice is to protect my kids.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
I am always interested to read your comments since you have been the person on the other side of this whole thing, BUT, be careful not to take your story and apply it to every other sitch out there. Every situation is unique.
I try to remember to use words such as "most", "some" etc., just for that reason. BUT, there are a few times when I'm in a crunch for time that I forget to make a point of it. And if you have read very many of my posts, you will see that I do take every situation as unique.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You've mentioned buying more time to DB, but you haven't said your plan of action. DBing is not just sitting around hoping she'll end her affair or that something is said that gets through to her. It's true that you can't control her, but hopefully, you can be a huge influence.
Right now my plan is to continue to GAL (ie get back to the gym beginning this weekend and start taking piano lessons) in addition to spending time walking near the ocean and volunteering at my church, which I have already been doing. When she moves, I am going to attempt to go dark and just let her talk with the kids when she calls. She needs to know how her life will be without me and how it will feel to be away from the kids. I am open to any suggestions.
From what you've posted, I see where your W is angry b/c you "let it come to this", which means (IMHO) at one time she saw you as the leader over the family & marriage. Other things she's said seems that she wanted you to protect her (take care of her) emotionally. But you didn't see it....and let her down.
Everything you posted here is accurate and true. I didn't see it and I missed the boat.
She doesn't love OM. She was bored in the MR, and mad at you. OM just gave her a "what if" fantasy that quickly became an addiction.
She probably wondered what it would take to stir you up, especially if you've be rather passive over the years. She has zero respect for OM. When a woman tells you how she wiped her feet all over a man.....rest assured, she doesn't want that man for her H. Sooner or later, she will test him to see if she can step on him like she did in the past. But you don't need to tell her what she feels or doesn't feel....she will have to figure it out.
Unfortunately at what might come at a great cost to all of us.
She is using OM, trying to fill a fantasy....but when she starts to see him as he really is, she'll remember why she use to treat him so badly. But oh those feel-good chemicals she's received. That's really what she wants to continue. She thinks this is what it's going to take to make her happy!
You, in the meantime, are just rolling in whatever direction she pushes you. Thank goodness you decided to speak up for the kids! (Just to know she could sit there and tell that little 4 yr old son and the 7 yr old daughter that mommy was leaving them soon.....paints a keen picture of what her priorities are like.
She is most definitely being selfish, not looking at the big picture and understanding the consequences of her actions.
I think she longs for a man who she can't push around. She wants a man who will show his emotional/mental strength. A woman wants to feel she can lean on her H to take care of the problems, her children, and of her. She doesn't want to hear a bunch of words from you, but she wants to see self-confidence in you. You said she noticed your 180's. Which ones did she comment on?
One of the reasons she married me was because I didn't let her push me around. My problems were that I didn't meet her emotional needs and my communication was poor. One of my 180's that she's commented on is we have talked(I have listened) more than we had in 7 years. She also commented on me doing the "little things" (ie making her a cup, opening her car door, leaving her towels out for her).
A woman doesn't respect her H, when she can cheat with OM. She lost respect before she cheated. She needs to see a lot from you in the next few months, b/c I doubt she will be ready to give up her addiction in that short time. So, what can you do that would cause her to respect you?
I have my confidence and humor back. I'm showing her the man she fell in love with is back and better than ever. I'm trying to show her all the qualities in me that she is willing to give up. I can definitely use some suggestions here.
Not allowing her to take advantage of a situation or of you. Not caving to make her "single life" more pleasant and certainly not providing anything to enable her A.
Don't allow her to talk disrespectful to you in front of your children. You are a role model for both your S and your D, and they are going to be watching daddy to see what the man's role is suppose to be.
This isn't and has never been a problem.
A WAW who is in an A doesn't respect a man who won't control his emotions. If you have to cry, then leave the house or go into the bathroom and bury your face in some towels. A WAW in an A has a certain coldness and that's why you cannot allow yourself to show weakness around her.
I have gotten emotional, especially at the beginning of my sitch, but I don't cry in front of her. I have gotten choked up a couple of times recently, but have held back any tears.
The subject of boundaries has already been mentioned. In order to have boundaries, you need to be able to identify them. Know what you want. Be prepared to have them tested. Know what the consequences will be if broken. This is not something I have read in the DR book, but I have been a WAW in an A.
I need to be more aggressive in taking care of these boundaries.
You can be a nice guy without being a passive one. I believe a WAW in an A hates passivity so badly that it causes her to act out even more bad behavior b/c in her heart she wants to see what it would take for her H to stand up to her.
I suppose some of my behavior might be considered passive. You can most likely point some of them out in my thread.
I'll take all the (good) advice I can get.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Thank you sandi for the questions. It helped me think about things and put them into perspective.
The most challenging part of DB'ing for me is GAL. I know that I need to move faster, but it is difficult not wanting to be home with the family(especially the W).
Some of the 180s come easy, because several of them are addressing her complaints about me. She even mentioned a few days ago that it makes her sad that we had to get to this point for me to "get it". W was crying, which completely broke my heart. She was talking about the "little things" and specifically holding the umbrella for her while she buckled our S in. I realized I did it, but didn't expect anything of it. I told her, "I understand why you feel that way. I'm sorry that I didn't get it until now and regret that I didn't do these things before. I very much enjoy doing them for you."
I don't know what to make of any of this. Only to believe that her noticing my 180s are positive.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
