Side Trip from Forward Motion

[TulsaTime]

Hi BM

Sorry to jump in at this stage but your post resonated with me somewhat.

I am confused by your last posts. You said there was nothing between you and the exBF but on the other hand, you are torn.

I know what you and H have experienced with the memories of an ex. Dabbling with that cost me my marriage. It did give me closure on the other person though.

You are emotional right now, and H isn't meeting your needs. Take some time to get to a more stable place before you make any decisions you might regret. Remember, you are married.

Best to you.

[WCW]

Being, I feel bad you are struggling so much. For the most part I say if you don't know what to do then do nothing. Wait until your mind is clear.

I don't recall the exact timing, but in not that many months you have told your H you want to separate, you have ML, you have battled for your very life, you have told him you are done, you have wrote letters, you have told him you don't want to let go, you have introduced him to an old flame. How should your H react to anything?

I truly understand wanting to fill the holes in your life, but I think you are still looking to your H to do that and want him to react.

Be who you are, Being Me.

[BeingMe]

Thanks for putting things into perspective, TT and WCW. I have waited so long for H (6 years), and suddenly in the last six months, everything seems to be coming loose at the seems.

I'm not going to do anything until my brain clears.

[WCW]

Cool, you took that 2x4 real good! If it's any encouragement to know, it was the 6 year mark that my H started seeing thru the MLC fog and peeking again.

((BeingMe))

[BeingMe]

Egad!!! My H sent me an email for our 25th anniversary using all our pet names. Here it is:

Dearest xxx, Happy hapy happy 25th, I am so sorry I could not be there. I will try to call you sometime tomorrow but I will be on the road again.

Kisses
xxx

I replied:

And to you, dearest xxx. Happy 25th anniversary. I'm also sorry you're not here, but that's life.

Kisses and hugs

He sometimes does this sort of thing, just for special occasions, then I get all confused. On Sunday, he spoke very abruptly to me on the phone. Then a little later, he called to say sorry. He has rarely done that in the last 6 years. His old self would've.

Anyway, he is a long way from home, on the other side of the world, and he will be there for the next 2 weeks. I think I'll go buy myself some flowers, and have my hair done, or something.

It's been a long time since I felt like bawling. But I won't.

[BeingMe]

Just journalling, and mind wandering ....

I've been having weird dreams lately (well, I usually do anyway). Last night I dreamt that I put my wedding ring on, but it was a little loose. I was talking to someone and she was admiring the ring (don't know why, it's just a plain gold ring), then suddenly I had another gold ring on the other hand, and this one stretched to my knuckle and then could be retracted back to normal ... it had lovely designs on it, and more so when stretched. Then both got lost, but I thought someone had stolen it. I searched everywhere, and just when I thought I must accept that they were lost, I found the plain gold one. There was a lot of other things happening in the background of this dream, people having meetings, navy admirals, a huge submarine balloon, and the biggest dog I had ever seen ... it was grey and I looked up to pet it's head. I called to someone, Ray, who was walking around this strange city with me, to show him the huge dog.

About my wedding ring ... I've never been one to wear one, nor my husband. In fact, we had silver ones to swop at the wedding, and over time have lost them. After the A and the so-called reconciliation, I insisted my H buy a gole one and wear it. I also bought one and started wearing it too, but I really don't like wearing rings all the time, so I've kept it in my jewelry box and when I travel, I keep it in my purse. So, why this dream?! I dunno.

[BeingMe]

Just received a bouque of red roses ... no message, but who else, but H would send them. Nice surprise. I sent him an email to thank him ... just a short note:

thanks for the lovely flowers ... what an awesome surprise

I don't even know how to respond to him anymore. So, I keep it simple.

[Mila]

Wow Being....sure is confusing isn't it...when you don't think he cares he send you a loving email and now flowers. When he is at home with you how does it feel...are you communicating and are you loving towards each other?

[BeingMe]

Hi Mila! No, we are not loving toward each other when he's at home. Friendly, yes. We did go out on Saturday night as a celebration for our 25th anniversary, so I figured that was it. We clinked champagne and congratulated ourselves, and outside the restaurant, we hugged. It was a pleasant date.

Ugh! I am tired of this. I thought I would have a break from it all in Europe, but being there brought up other issues in my life.

I love life, I am happy with who I am and with the interests I have. I have friends and family that I communicate with a lot. I smile, and laugh most of the time in my day (unless I have writers' block). My M is the only thing that is a problem-ish.

[BeingMe]

Oh, we don't communicate much when he's home either. We talk about the usual things ... the children, his job. He has no interest in what I do.