My story

[sbrass]

Just bought the Sex starved marriage book. At least we're reading it together - after an angry explosion. 'Why had I bought this book without consulting here first?' Why? Because we have a sex-starved marriage, that's why. Thirty years together, good friends, good communication, but less and less sex, and now none, for months. Zero desire on her side. And I don't want sex without desire. So at least there's something going on, we're reading, talking. But still no real change on what matters to me.
It's hard to feel desired when there's no desire, to feel loved when there's none of the love that you want and need. I'm torn between hope and despair. Why should things change now? We've been to a therapist, and that didn't help at all, possibly made things worse...

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[Bolt]

hey sbrass!
Welcome!!

Let me suggest one more book (I know, consult with the W first).
It's called The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.

It talks about the different way people express and need love. You obviously need to be touched to feel loved but your W may not feel that way. Not that she isn't interested in sex but that it isn't important to her.

She needs to find that it IS important to you. Not only physically, but emotionally.

BUT (here's the tricky part), she may need to feel loved by you first. Maybe she speaks a different language??

For instance, my W doesn't need sex or touching to feel loved. She enjoys it but she doesn't NEED it. She needs affirmation - she needs to be told she's beautiful, confident, heard that I'm proud of her. THAT makes her feel loved.

When she feels that and understands that I need to feel love a different way, she can accommodate that.

Make sense? Almost like a "I'll scratch your back if you scratch mine" kinda thing.

By the way, you're not alone in that boat, dude

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[sbrass]

Thanks. Yes, this makes sense, and indeed I think I do a lot of affirming and appreciation. There is now on her side, I think, a real recognition that there IS a problem, that it is OUR problem, and not just mine. That my desires and needs are legitimate. But there ain't no miracle. I think, no, I'm sure, that she would be quite happy with the odd cuddle, but no more full sex. And I find this really hard. I want to SHARE desire and sexual pleasure, not just satisfy myself.

[Young at Heart]

Just bought the Sex starved marriage book. At least we're reading it together - after an angry explosion.

...Thirty years together, good friends, good communication, but less and less sex, and now none, for months. Zero desire on her side.

...And I don't want sex without desire. So at least there's something going on, we're reading, talking. But still no real change on what matters to me.

....It's hard to feel desired when there's no desire, to feel loved when there's none of the love that you want and need. I'm torn between hope and despair. Why should things change now? We've been to a therapist, and that didn't help at all, possibly made things worse...

You might try reposting your story in the SSM forum on this website.

I echo the book Chapman's Five languages of Love. It along with MWD's SSM and Dr. Glover's No More Mr. Nice Guy, and the support I got on this website really helped rebuild my marriage.

As to therapists, if yours didn't work try another again. From personal experience I would recommend a board certified sex therapist.

Final thought, your situation sounds much like mine a while back, although my wife didn't have the serious medical problems. It takes time, but once the changes start they build quickly. MWD's website and books really helped me and my marriage.

Good luck to you.

[ninelives]

sbrass:

Sorry you are here but there are some great people that can help you, usually because they have been through it.

One of our biggest problems was our lack of communication for sex. Man have I learned a lot since then.

I used to think that I was entitled to sex at least once a week but I craved it more but we usually had it once a week.

Whether she wanted it or not.

What a HUGE MISTAKE on my part. Again, I stupidly thought that she was my wife and I work hard and needed a "release" at least once a week. We even talked recently how much she hated to be obligated to that when she didnt feel a connection to me.

I regret that soooo much now. I didnt put her feelings first and granted , she didnt put mine first either because I used to be like a caged animal near the end of the week.

How unnattractive that was for her?

I dont know what the answer is or should have been but heres what I do know. Pouting or arguing over sex is not right.

You need to do one of two things in my opinion

1) address this head on and see if you are happy with the solution. ( If not full intercourse) are there degrees that you would be ok with.

2) learn to live without as much.

In my sitch, I would be quite happy having sex maybe 2 x's per month when she is ready and then maybe doing a few other things.

compared to what is going on now it would be a fair trade off.

Just be honest and for gods sake, dont POUT if that is what you have done. I did and regret it everyday.

9

[~¤DG¤~]

I 3rd the 5 LL book. I was hesitant to read it because I really didn't think it would make an impact but I was wrong.
It is a great book and it explains so much.