We have been married for 24 years and I thought that we had a pretty good marriage. In my mind there was nothing major going on that couldn't be dealt with and I thought he was happy. Seven months ago, my son and I came home from a weekend away to find out that my husband had vanished. He left behind his credit card, check book, cell phone and all his belongings. He had been extremely irritable lately and his estranged mother had passed away two months earlier so we thought that he had possibly commited suicide.
We waited for days wondering where he was. Phone calls to family and friends brought nothing. Finally he decided to text my son(got a different phone) and told him that he left and that it was not my son's fault but between us. I never got anything. After 24 years of marriage he simply walked out of my life.
So I started to investigate his computer and cell phone usage and of course he was communicating with another woman...who I'm sure he ran away to be with. It doesn't appear that he was in communication with her for any more than a month and seeing that we did basically everything together I don't foresee him having had much contact with her. She lives 80 miles from where he works so he has quite a commute every day.
Now, seven months later, he still has not had the guts to say anything to me. I have emailed him and told him that I know about the other woman. He still only texts S(16) and has not had any physical or voice contact with him. He does come to S sporting activities but "hides" on the visitors side. Occasionally will leave me cash in the mailbox for expenses.
Anybody have any insights to what I think is pretty bizarre behavior. Why the running and hiding? Why can't he man up? Any advice on what to do.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
WAS/MLC'r are in a fog. They think if they leave their current situation that the grass is so much greener. The stage of limerance with a new relationship doesn't last. It settles into a relationship with all it's bumps and curves just like the one they left. Sometimes those tranisent relationships end worse then the ones they left. Doesn't everyone put their best foot forward when in a new relationship? Inner problems are portable. Getting into a new relationship, moving, getting new friends will NOT work unless they deal with their own inner demons first. It's like tires spinning in the mud. The WAS has to get their in their own way and in their own time and they think that running and hiding will solve everything.
I am fairly new to the boards as well, but I have read DR over a dozen times. It helps me stay the course. Even though I have made changes, I do backslide from time to time. We are always works in progress. I would suggest you start there if you haven't already. You certainly came to the right place. These boards have been a HUGE avenue of support.
Keep posting; I will certainly follow your story and help in any way possible.
BITS
M: 48, H: 42 Kids: 0 T: 20 yrs M: 16 yrs. (H's 1st, my 2nd) WAS/MLC: 12/7/09-I'm not the wife HE deserved Came home per L: 12/26/09, Left again: 2/6/10 Served: 10/21/10, D FINAL: 6/15/11
One of the hardest things for me to understand is how can he just leave behind his child. Doesn't he realize how much he traumatized both of us. Seven months is a long time not see your son and I'm not sure if things can ever be the same with them again.
I just feel that it's so hopeless because my H has lived with OW for 7 months and has no interest in me what so ever.
Elle your spouse may be having a midlife crisis. Head on over to that forum to find out more. At this point it's all about him and that's why he doesn't contact his child and wants nothing to do with you.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
Elle, you must be a very strong woman/mother to have endured the acute shock from your H leaving without a trace.
A couple of things first - are you financially dependent on your H? are you protecting yourself from financial ruin? I did not take steps soon enough in my sitch.
IMO your H cannot make contact with you because he has extreme guilt for what he has done. He was a coward for how he left, and even in his new lala land he is comprehensive enough to feel guilty for what he has done.
Do not contact him for any reason except extreme emergency. He doesn't want to hear that you know about ow, anything you say will only anger him more. It is all about him at this stage.
So, what do YOU want? Do you want him back? After 7 months, have you had any thoughts about why he would have left the M?
Live your best life. Look your best whenever he sees you from across the gym. Love yourself and move forward with your life, but leave room if you want him to look in.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
My husband left on January 17th said he needed his space. This is just a separation to fix our issues. He left me a note the day he left that said :"I love you my one and only see you soon." Well he never called me that night like he said he would. I finally got a text from him 2 days later saying "good morning honey did you move" of course that hurt me deeply. The text I have gotten since are short and mostly about money. He has asked how I am but it just feels strange for our contact to be thru texts all the time. I broke down and called him last night but he didnt answer so I left a message. This morning I got a text saying " I got your message thank you. I sent you two text messages but you didnt reply. Are you okay". How do I or do I even bother replying to that text ? We havent seen each other in 13 days-yes I am counting because I miss him very much- I sound pathetic. Spend so much time looking at midlife crisis and divorce busting info. Just trying to find a way to save my marriage. I am in therapy and on zoloft and xanax for stress. These things dont seem to help the pain and tears during so many sleepless nights.
Iam not financially dependant on him. I have a good job with great benefits and am able to take care of myself and my son.
After 7 months I still do want him back. He told one of his friends the reason why he left is because I don't love him which made him lonely. We did almost everything together. People envied me because my H always stood up for me and was there with me. Maybe it is MLC because he bought an expensive boat and pick-up truck a few years earlier which was pretty hard on our budget. A while after that he was extremely critical of me and wasn't getting along with his S because they were arguing alot (typical of teenagers but H wasn't very patient with him). Maybe I'm an enabler because I always went along with whatever he wanted.
If he is so happy and things are so much better with the OW, why hide the fact that there is one. It seems like he hates me so why feel guilty?...aren't I getting what I deserve?
lisacul: I am new here so I'm like you are--looking for answers. My husband left me 7months ago with no explanation. I suspect that he is living with OW. Even after all that I miss him terribly and would do anything to have him back. Sometime I think that I'm so pathetic too. Most people would think I would be crazy to even want him back. Unfortunately I don't think that will ever happen because I don't think he ever even thinks of me. My husband is 46 so sometimes I think it's MLC.
