Out of the blue ex called me and asked me for forgiveness. He apologized for what he has done to me and the kids and told me he is being baptized tonight to try to start over. He told me he sees a therapist, a pastor and a urologist to help stabilize his hormones. We talked for 3 hours and I did a lot of listening. He wants us to start to be able to communicate. Help, I need direction and advice...
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
I think the best thing you can do is listen and that's about it for now. Listen to your ex, but listen to yourself. If you are in a position where you want to consider reconciliation, then you can agree to set up a way to communicate with boundaries. Make the boundaries clear. Set ground rules. I'm looking at your sitch and this is a long time from your divorce. Do you want a relationship with this man at this point? You are likely to both be very different people at this point.
I think above all avoid the knee jerk reaction that might be very understandable, take a breath, and just consider your options paying close attention to what is best for YOU.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Wow did you see me make assumptions or what! Ok well if OW is still in the pic and he didn't mention restoring the marriage, it may be that he just wants a clean slate and forgiveness from you to feel good about his new start. The baptism is probably part of that. But if you've not been on a track to forgive, you can't just "give" this to him "like that."
My sitch is WAY new compared to yours, but with my divorce being finalized any day now (the court has all the paperwork and is ready to decide on the basis of the papers filed) my H in the past few days came at me with the whole "I'm so sorry" and "I hope you can forgive me." I think he's feeling really emotional about all of this and wants the guilt to stop, and he is asking for my help. I mean, I said what was in my heart, but I can't fix this for him.
I guess listening to him if he wants to talk is the best thing for you, but if OW is still in the pic, I'd be very careful about how much you "let him in" to your life because you are bound to get hurt if you still have feelings and if he is still with her.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
He was "digging" for information regarding my life. He brought up that he knows I am looking at starting up my own business. He also make reference to "my boyfriend". I did not defend or give him any information. I just listened. Part of me does not trust all this. We are in the middle of court proceedings regarding increase/decrease in child support. On the other hand, he was much more rational and level headed than ever. He sounded like my old husband. He sincerely seemed remorseful and acted like he was in pain. I really feel he thinks this "baptism" thing will stop his pain. I don't know..... Him still being with other woman speaks volumes to me though. That is something I will never tolerate again, nor do I want her anywhere in my life.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Trusting, I have followed your sitch for a long time. Actions, not words on the only things you can trust. If he is still in MLC but having a semi-rational moment or two, then, as you know, you cannot trust or rely on this.
They feel what they are saying at the time, I do believe, but cannot follow through.
From what I have seen, the TMAK reconnection thread in the resources seems to hold for all those who are truly emerging.
As Winston Churchiill said, this may not be the beginning of the end, but it may be the end of the beginning.
I am sure at times they get tired of their MLC life, but until they do something to change the situation, I know you will be on your guard.
Trusting, I agree w/Bea...actions speak louder than words. It sounds to me like he's having a moment of clarity. He's not out of the woods yet and I would listen, but keep your expectations at zero.
I hate to say this, but if he is aware of your wanting to start up a business and a "boyfriend", I'd be a triffle bit leery of his intentions for now. Be careful what you share w/him. When they are like this, the best thing to do is listen, offer up no advice and do not share much of your life w/them. Until he can prove himself to be worthy of your trust, the less you tell him the better.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
