Hiya LL, Been meaning to say, I luv the new title's shift in perspective and how its helping with the "flavor" of your more recent posts. Sometime all it takes is that little shift in how we view the things around us that can be the BIGGEST baby step we take.
Hi LL, I decided to stop by and see how things are going for you. I see you are still making progress. From your posts I can also see that you are still getting a little frustrated from time to time. You know that it's going to take a while, and that patience is the key. Try to keep a good attitude, and work through the negative feelings. Those negative feelings won't do anything but cause trouble.
I like what I am hearing....you are doing great...go with the flow, and if a bad day comes along hang in there...come and re read your big steps forward...
So your h was waiting for you after the movies!!!! Sue
still wishing I could read h's mind but know that I may not like what is there.
seems we are getting the "family" thing down to a regular science... I no longer feel like the kids are my sole responsiblilty as I did before h left... WE are parents not just me. WE both care for the children and care for the house. h is friendly and kind...howeverI do still feel that something is missing. when h first came home (or first started to have a r with me again) he was fully attentative to me (well then he was only here 3x a week) would call often just to say hey, was asking me to sit with him, was following me around the house was talking to me etc... it seems now that things are just just? I knew things wouldn't stay the way they were then but I am not sure if things are good or not.
H is here H is attentive and affectionate to the kids H does little things around the house H stays longer in the am even if he's upstairs sleeping at least he's not running out the door as soon as his eyes open, and is comming home early almost every day (well at least by dinner time) H is accepting my invitations to do things (still wish he'd be the one to initiate an outing) H is on occasion letting me into that head simply by commenting on different things ( was talking about friend and friends wife)
H has not asked me to put my ring back on H does not say ILY H does not initiate outings (going to the movies tonight again my idea) H sleeping on his side of bed again (was getting spooned everynight) could just be a comfort thing is all it's not like he has a wall up between us physically.
well I could go on and on with what isn't there but that really wont get me anywhere will it.
things are ok I guess, I just feel like maybe I should not have let h move home (or asked him too) so quickly after his deciding to try...maybe we should have just "dated" I don't know and I don't think h does either. wish he would go to c with me.
i guess when h first opened up to me and started letting me know how he felt past and present that he was scared and I was then comforting him. I felt good, I felt empowered, like I understood things and could be his rock.
I need to be needed...I know I saw someone else here use that song...I want you to want me.. I need you to need me...I'd love to have you love me....I use to sing that song to h...
things really haven't changed...h doesn't need me I am just here...I suppose if I really think long enough about it I don't really need him either, not as if I couldn't live without him...I did a fine job over the summer living with out him.
but I would like to be needed for something and don't at all feel that h needs me for anything at all.
h is (seems) content to go to work, come home from work, eat, watch tv, play with the kids and sleep. there really is no need for me he'd be happy ordering himself a pizza every night so my cooking doesn't mean much..he has been doing his own laundry since the sep and when he doesn't want to do it he just takes it to a wash and fold so my doing his laundry means nothing...he does not ask to spend time with me and does not seem to be bothered if I go about my own business either in the house or out so my being around is not needed. h went 9+ months with out physical intimacy with me before he left (well he's one of those that just doesn't have ANY interest during pregnancy ugh!) and supposedly during our 6+ month sep he was not physical with ow so he does not need me for that either. he does not need to talk to me (or even seem to want to) he does not seek me out for advice, councel, an ear to listen, vent to, share with etc. so why am I here...well I am here cause I've got two kids to care for...the real question is why is h here???
he wanted to be with ow, wanted to talk to her everyday, wanted to spend time with her, wanted to go places with her (even if just out to lunch) wanted to talk to her, listen to her, and eventually wanted to be physical with her (and who the hell knows maybe he did) so then what is he doing here with me??? am I some obligation?? he owes it to me to try to be with me? even though it is not what he wants? he seemed to want it when he first came around, was talking to me, wanting to spend time with me, wanting to be near me, close to me, and now it seems we are once again falling back into the same old same old...boring is one thing..I don't mind comfort but stale and lacking is another. perhaps h and ow are right we just had a young r and aren't meant to be together but unfortunatley are bound together by our children.
some days I feel like telling him that he is free, that I don't want to be with him, he is free to go and be with whom he chooses, that I do not wish for him to and will not allow him to sacrifice his happiness for the sake of the kids.
I do not know if our r is "normal" I do not know if h is "normal"
I know many people even people that have known h for many many years see him as hard to get to. h is not a very open person, not even with me his wife.
tired! so very very tired. this road I have been traveling for a lot longer than I should.
I have a letter (or rather h has a letter) that I wrote h probably 11-12 years ago talking to him about how he doesn't talk to me or come to me for anything. nothing has changed.
h found his love...to bad she was already married so he married me...tried to leave me but by then it was to hard...too much time and money invested...children involved so suck it up...it's the better end of the sword..you wont get as much flack from your family on this side of the blade...all you have to do is give up the true love that you found.
LL the "it" h was looking for is not here and never was. I had it for him but he never did have it for me and is only fooling the both of us thinking he can make it be so. we do not belong together. some work is expected in a r...this one is too much work.
Quote: H does not initiate outings (going to the movies tonight again my idea
Didn't he initiate the ski trip?
LL, I want to know how come you went from:
Quote: H is here H is attentive and affectionate to the kids H does little things around the house H stays longer in the am even if he's upstairs sleeping at least he's not running out the door as soon as his eyes open, and is comming home early almost every day (well at least by dinner time) H is accepting my invitations to do things (still wish he'd be the one to initiate an outing) H is on occasion letting me into that head simply by commenting on different things ( was talking about friend and friends wife)
to...
Quote: h found his love...to bad she was already married so he married me...tried to leave me but by then it was to hard...too much time and money invested...children involved so suck it up...it's the better end of the sword..you wont get as much flack from your family on this side of the blade...all you have to do is give up the true love that you found.
I'm asking this question in all seriousness. Was there some "event" that triggered this response? You see, I tend to do the same thing. I also think that I overanalyze what my W "might" be thinking. I assume the worst, then I behave based on my assumptions. The result: I project negativity into our interactions. I've done it countless times throughout our M and is something I'm trying very hard to fix. Is it possible you're doing the same?
Quote: now it seems we are once again falling back into the same old same old...boring is one thing..I don't mind comfort but stale and lacking is another.
Why? How was LL different the day her H came back than today? What freakishly weird thing can you do as a 180 to get your H to notice?
Quote: perhaps h and ow are right we just had a young r and aren't meant to be together but unfortunatley are bound together by our children.
Interesting...exactly what my W says. Frankly, romantic love lasts about two years...whether you have it in highschool or whether you have it in your 30s. Tell me the difference? I would almost argue that although being younger suggests immaturity, yet there's not all that other BS that goes along with having an R when you're older. So, which is better: immaturity or baggage?
Just a few thoughts, LL. I hope you're feeling better when you get up in the morning. It's late for me right now and very early for you...
ok ok, after some complaining by me about winter bringing me down and saying well I guess it used to be esier when we'd go skiing or something cause then at least I'd be outside. so h said well maybe next week we can go skiing. but I was the one to do all the "planning" and if we recall until the last minute there was a possibility that h wasn't going to go with me. but yes it was his idea.
Quote: Was there some "event" that triggered this response?
don't know, maybe the wind blew across my a$$ the wrong way. I am realizing that sometimes it is just me.
Quote: How was LL different the day her H came back than today?
she had accepted that she would be a-okay without her h, and had "detached"
Quote: I would almost argue that although being younger suggests immaturity, yet there's not all that other BS that goes along with having an R when you're older. So, which is better: immaturity or baggage?
ah! but having started a r based on "immature love" that now over the course of many years has "baggage" is that immature love that the r was founded on be strong enough???
ok, so it seems when I have all but given up, h and I end up having a good evening. last night we went out to dinner, to the mall to pick up a quick surprise for s and then to the movies. and I'd say we both had a really good time, kinda felt like a "date" and I don't know if that is a good thing or not when your with your spouse but I'll take it. the only thing that gets me down at times is when nights like this just end. maybe it's cause we now have kids so when we come home there's someone here or maybe it's because we are both tired as all hell and know that the other will be here the next night, but it would be nice if the end of the evening involved a stolen kiss. but I suppose all the rest is really more important than that right now anyway.
LL feeling better and still wanting to send dr and 5 love launguages to ow.
Quote: immature love that the r was founded on be strong enough???
Honest to God, does it really matter? I, myself, am so tired of hearing this from my W and thinking about it. I think with my W is she has this idealistic idea of what "in love" should be, but she's never experienced it. Of course, I disagree because of how she used to be many years ago with me. In any case, to love someone requires work. If one's unwilling to work, then there will be no love. I also think that some people close themselves off to the opportunity of really feeling love for someone else. For now, I believe this is my W. She would do the next thing with the next guy...and the next...and so on. She has issues that she needs to resolve before this stuff can be worked out. But these issues are in her head and I have no control. It seems maybe your H is the same way???
Quote: ok, so it seems when I have all but given up, h and I end up having a good evening.
Quote: LL feeling better and still wanting to send dr and 5 love launguages to ow.
You're still thinking about this, huh? Well, I guess the question you need to ask yourself is whether you think it would help or hurt. It is a difficult decision to make. My W told me that OM is still in love with his XW of three years. In some distant part of my brain I feel like sending him a copy of this book too...but I'm still working through the anger. Besides, he's already "taken" one of my most precious things...() so I don't really feel like giving him anything else.
jethro, feeling a little bitter today, but not too bad...
Frankly, romantic love lasts about two years...whether you have it in highschool or whether you have it in your 30s. Tell me the difference? I would almost argue that although being younger suggests immaturity, yet there's not all that other BS that goes along with having an R when you're older. So, which is better: immaturity or baggage?