well it's a down day. can't seem to figure this guy out at all, what makes him tick???? monday I night I went to my c and then shopping then came home... not much intereaction with h just showed him the valentine stuff I bought for the kids then sat infront of the fire for a min and I get a HUGE hug??? yesterday morning h seemed a bit distant so I just went about my business. h called to let me know about my car (he dropped it off to have repairs) they will be keeping it through today as the parts needed weren't in stock. I asked if needed could I use his truck to go to the movies with my mother 2nite, sure no problem. h comes home tired. I fix his dinner, play with the kids while he sits upon the throne claiming maybe that'll get him out of his funk (i ask what funk, he says he's tired, I say oh ok)so I eventually give dd bath, son comes up to splash her I send him back down to daddy after dd is settled in bed I come down to the puter by then it is 8 and past the time for son to go to bed, h is half asleep on couch so I tell son time for bed son argues wants to take a shower with daddy (h says no) so I put son to bed h stays on couch I come down light fire, sit for a min, then go to cave to read my book (book club) about 10 I come back up, h has moved to other couch, I sit and watch the after the state of the union interview on larry king with h. h getting up asks if I how much I read, I was answering him and started to tell him a bit about the book and he just kept walking (well whytf did you ask??) h goes to his puter (the weather I assume again) h then goes up to bed, shortly I follow, go in to take my shower, h in bed says oh youre gonna love this guy (he's listening to talk radio as usual) I asked what it is, he says sports (and I'm gonna love it???) I take my shower, go kiss the kids, then get in bed h fiddles with the radio for 10 more min trying to get the station to come in clear and eventually gives up that is that. eventually he threw his arm over me but not the same cuddling I was getting before and actually there have been several nights when he just stays on his side. this am (kids slept late aaahhh!) son kept comming into our bed and dd (who son had given every toy in her room to play with) kept saying mammeee, daddee. daddy had no intentions of getting up so I did. came down with the kids did a bit of laundry and then started to make breakfast, son requested toast and eggs so that is what I made. before starting to cook the eggs I had son tell h that breakfast was ready (about 9am) be down in a min. 5 or so min later as the food is all ready and the kids are sitting down h comes down checks the puter (the weather I think) and eventually after being called by dd several times and son threatening to eat h's toast h comes to eat, by then the rest of us are already almost done. so h pretends to clean up by putting the silverware and pan in the sink (gee thanks for moving the stuff two feet that's a great help) I do the dishes. h thanks me for breakfast and sorta walks around me in the kitchen (? what was that about) h then goes up to get himself dressed, soon thereafter son goes up to bother him and dd then follows. h and son are in the bathroom, dd and I are in the bedroom, dd is dancing to jimmy buffet, son comes out and dances too. h comes out and dances with dd then son then dd again. time for dd nap. I go to finnish laundry h back to puter (gee did the weather change already??) son going about his business as usual...likes to lock himself in the bathroom for that one. son goes to h at the puter and h gives him kisses galore then sets him up with a video. I'm still folding laundry. h starts his truck. h comes in and calls for son for more kisses. I sit to check my e-mail, h comes by and gives me a peck on the cheek (what am I your friggen mother???) then putting on his jacket I was going to show him a joke e-mail I had gotten he gave me the wait a min.. and then once his jacket was on said I'll call you when I hear about your car...ok says I and h is on his way out the door, I don't know if I huffed or what but h says what's the matter, I say nothing, h says nothing, walks out, and I believe I heard his truck door close a bit louder than normal. wtf???
so tonight I am going to the movies with my mother, tommorow night I am going to the jim oh I mean gym. whatever h's problem is or isn't I really wish he would figure it out soon I am so tired of his inconsitancy, one day you get affection attention and the next you are nobody with no explenation behind it. wtf???
LL, did your H behave this way before he was seeing OW? You know, in a "normal" M people have their good days and their bad. Maybe it's the weather, maybe he's tired from working so much, maybe...who knows. It really might be because he is in a funk, as we all have those days sometimes. I believe that many of us have become so focused on our Rs and Ses, that we assume every odd or negative thing they do has something to do with our R. Well, this simply isn't true.
Food for thought, is all. Hope you're having a good day otherwise.
Thanks for your recent post on my thread. I always appreciate new input, especially from the female perspective, because you women are so damned hard to figure out.
Your post actually made me laugh. A whole lot of WTFs going on. Believe me, I know how frustrating it is to try to understand every little nuance of your relationship. You'll never figure him out, and he will never figure you out. He probably drove off this morning thinking to himself, "WTF?"
When you find yourself on that PMA downtime, just re-read the title of your thread.
yes h did act this way before ow but what makes it hard to believe that it is just him being in a funk and having nothing to do with our r is that he still summons up the energy to dance with dd and son, give them a million kisses and not just a peck on the cheek. it is hard to believe that it is just a mood and not me when I see him being loving and affectionate toward them and not me but I suppose if the effort has to be put in when your tired it is best to put it toward the kids as I as the assumed adult should be able to handle the mini brush off.
on a good note, something different about h...he now seems to want to call back and clear the air about things (the little things anyway) and not let them linger... h just called wanted to ask me about the camera he bought me for christmas (I guess new sil wants to buy one for bil for valentines day and asked him what model we had gotten, a tad expensive for a v-day gift $500) and second to find out what it was that had bothered me when he left. he said what happend when I left? I said I don't know, what happend when you left? (playing dumb) h said what happend when I left? I don't know, what happend you left, then what happend? h said no what happend that had you so bothered? I said oh, I had asked you to look at an e-mail and you brushed me off. oh I didn't hear you, thought you were telling me to pick up the peice of hanger that I broke. hmmm no, I asked you before you broke that and you said wait a min. oh I must be oblivious (not in an arrogant way but a sincere way) I let him know that I was not really bothered with that specifically but that it is little things that I don't know about. I was feeling like you were distant and figured well maybe I can show him a funny e-mail and at least get a smirk out of him and you brushed it off. it is hard for me to see you hug and kiss the kids and walk by me. suppose I should just not take it personally. h said that is probably not such a bad idea. I said I know but it is hard for me. then we talked about the kids and what they are doing...I still folding the damn laundry, dd upstairs basically saying if you think I'm gonna take a nap your nuts woman I'll just keep throwing my binky out so you have to come get me, son is drinking the chocolate milk we just made and changing his shirt yet again cause he spilled on it (gee are guys just born slobs?) anyway though h's call does make me feel better, that yes he does infact care about my feelings. it is still hard for me to deal with his differing ways.
Wow, LL. Looks like we have similar H's. In the morning, they ignore you. In the afternoon, they warm up a bit (like the sun). In the evening, you are nobody again.
Come to think of it. I am like that sometimes (even before this saga). Mood swings, but maybe not as distinct as our grumpy H. It can be our own problem and has nothing to do with our other halves.
Don't FOCUS on the down days. Even in a 'normal' marriage, we tend to ignore them. Now becuase of the crisis, we focus 120% on it. It is not healthy.
I am learning a lot from my BB 'advisers'.... and learning from your post too.
Quote: Hmmm... LL, why is it that your H calls you after these episodes rather than just talks to you in person?
hmmmm, jethro, I don't know but obviously somethings tickin in that head of yours so do tell...what are your thoughts??
LL if I think, it wont be pretty what I come up with, cause what just popped into my head is that way he doesn't have to look at me and can just pretend he's talking to ow. oooh the shame of it all, what a twisted little brain I have.
Quoting lostlove: whatever h's problem is or isn't I really wish he would figure it out soon I am so tired of his inconsitancy, one day you get affection attention and the next you are nobody with no explenation behind it. wtf???
This is an area where Dbing has really helped me. One of the patterns that never worked and continued to strain our R was the way I would get wrapped up in my W's mood swings. The rapid frequency in which they would change always kept me offguard in how to interact and I would get pulled down with her. "Geez, you were all happy this morning, now what's got you down?" This was a major source of fiction between us and a start of alot of arguments. Just the opposite also contributed to the stress as well. She would succeed in pissing me off, and then all of a sudden she would be in a good mood. Well what gave her the right and I would hold a grudge.
Well, I've learned it works a lot better when I don't let myself get affected by her mood anymore. I know she will be continuing to ride her rollercoaster for a long time and I've come to learn to let it go. Accept the good times for what they are ... good times that will come and go. Relish in enjoying every moment when they are good, because you don't know for how long it will last.
When they're mood slams into reverse, say fine, time for me to find my enjoyment somewhere else. Its like fuel and oxygen, you need both for a fire to rage. Pull yourself out of the equation and the fire can't burn. Don't even waste your time wonder what is going thru their heads at the time. All this will do is drain your PMA and who needs that? Interact with total PMA so that instead of you getting suck into their mood, there's a good chance you can draw them into a better mood.
I'm not saying its easy, but with practice is does get easier, and does tend to work better most of the time. Actually the last couple of weeks, I've been knocked off my game here, but this week, I realized it and have started to rebound. My W has still been down, but for the last couple of days when she gives me that look like she looking for an argument, I just return a smile and redirect my attention elsewhere and refuse to "get into it" with her. Last nite, her mood changed and she got all humble and apoligetic about how she's been acting lately.
