Hopeful but Distressed

[Denver_2010]

So like others on this website, I am need of some serious advice and support. I am sure that this will be long, so I apologize in advance. Here is the story...

My wife and I married for 18 months. Been together for 7
1/2 years. She has an 11 year old son from a previous relationship who she has custody of. I have an 8 year old daughter who I do NOT have custody of, and whom I see only 2 or 3 times per year. ME 38 years, wife is 32 years old. My wife is a very talented singer who had lots of success in California before she became pregnant with her son at the age of 20. I believe that, although she loves her son more than anything, the timing of her pregnancy and the effect that it had on her life and singing career has caused her emotional scars. To make matters worse, her son has been a very difficult child throughout his life. He has been diagnosed with ADHD, but in the past few years that diagnosis does not seem quite right. Other possibilities may be depression, bi-polar disorder, or a defiance disorder. He has been placed in special education by our school district as behavioral disorder. His issues cause a tremendous amount of stress in our family, but especially for my wife. Both as a single parent as well as during our relationship, she has had to deal with being told that something is wrong with her child and that she is making mistakes as a parent. This has caused her a lot of stress and has caused her to feel inadequate as a mother. I have come to love my step son very much, but the stress that he causes all of us has contributed greatly to our problems. I do my best to treat him as my own. I have coached his baseball team, I go to as many of his school meetings as I can, and try to make sure that he has the best life possible. My wife has always complained that I do not treat him as good as I would if he were my own. I think that she probably had a point during the first half of our relationship, but I feel that my relationship has grown and that I do my best with what I know how to do. My wife has also complained that I treat my daughter differently and better than her son when she is here visiting. Again, I think that this may have been true years ago. When this issue first came up I really tried to make sure that I didn’t do that. It is hard, I admit, not to want to spoil your daughter when you see her only 2 or 3 times per year. But I have done my best.

I think that it is also important to note that my wife’s father left her family when she was very young. To this day, he has little to do with her or her two siblings (one older sis and one younger bro). I think that this is an emotional scar on her life. As for me, I have one younger sister. My parents divorced when I was a sophomore in H.S. I was engaged to another woman when I was 21. She called off the engagement after we graduated from college. I took the breakup very badly even though I had been having doubts myself that I was ready for marriage. We had been together for 3 years. I had another long term relationship of 7 years that I ultimately ended. During the times of my life where I have been single, I have had pretty decent success dating and meeting women. I always enjoyed the dating part of the single life. I mention this only because it is important to how I have always viewed marriage as something that I could live with or without (which now I don’t!) and how that influenced the way that I treated my wife during our entire relationship (negatively).

My wife and I met shortly after I ended my last long term relationship. I know that I was not ready to enter into another long term relationship at the time. My wife fell for me fairly quickly. She was very loving and sweet. When I met my wife, she was a single mother, dealing with a difficult child, going to school and working a low paying job. She was barely able to make ends meet. I am an attorney who was just starting to make a very good salary. My financial situation allowed us to do many things that she and her son would never have had the opportunity to do otherwise. I was able to buy them nice gifts and to help them with other issues such as getting her an attorney to deal with her son’s father’s failure to pay child support. This was how I showed my love for her and her son. This is how I had been taught how to show love by my own father or at least what I subconsciously must have picked up on.

The first few months of our relationship went really well and I fell for her too. At about the 6 month point we did begin to argue about stupid little things that I would criticize her about. I was very harsh with my words and my criticisms. I will have to admit that I was verbally abusive. I am not proud of this but have made vast improvements in that area over the past 3 years. Unfortunately, my words scarred my wife and our relationship. My wife can remember things that I said to her years ago that have made her feel that she inadequate and unloveable. She has never been able to truly forgive me for these things. As the years went by, she learned to defend herself in our arguments by “fighting fire with fire”. She learned to argue and attack in the same manner that I always had. This obviously did not improve our relationship, but made it worse. Now, not only was one of us fighting unfairly, but we both were. She also stopped being as loving, sweet and appreciative of me. The arguments were almost always a result of me criticizing her in some sort of messed up effort to change her into what my image of the perfect woman is. I know now that much of this is the result of my fear of intimacy. I am afraid of opening my heart to someone because I don’t want it broken. I am not sure when this fear manifested itself, I just know that it has been there much longer than I have known my wife. The end result of it is that I find faults in the women that I date so that I can justify not being with them. Many of the arguments that my wife and I had in the first 5 years of our relationship resulted in me breaking up with her or threatening to do so. She would always find a way to draw me back though.

We have also had many arguments over her perceived view that I don’t treat her son as my own and/or that I favor my daughter over him during her visits. These arguments made me feel unappreciated for my efforts. Many times, I have thought to myself that I will just stop trying in these areas and, at times, I have.

I am focusing a lot on our problems because they are what has led me here. But it is also true that we definitely have had many good times too and I believe that we really were in love with each other. After about 2 1/2 years of dating she began asking me about my thoughts on marriage. I always told her that my view on marriage was that it was just a piece of paper and that people could always get out with a simple divorce. Truth be told, I was deathly afraid of marriage and the commitment that it brought. I did not tell her this though. I’m not sure that I even acknowledged it to myself. Her views were much more traditional. It was her dream that we would be married and live happily ever after. At about the 3 1/2 year point in our relationship, and after much consideration, I decided to go for it and really commit to her. Still being afraid of marriage, I asked her to move in with me so that we could see how it went for a year or so. I explained to her that in my view, buying a house together was a bigger commitment than marriage. How ridiculous. So I had a house built for us. We picked out the lay out and all of the options together. This was a really exciting time for our relationship. We moved in to the new house in Feb of 07. The same problems continued and became somewhat worse because she had begun to fight back and because I was feeling stress from the adjustment of living alone to living with a woman and her 7 year old little boy. We began therapy and things improved somewhat.

I proposed to my wife an a New Year’s Eve party on Jan 1 2008 as the clock struck midnight. Although we had a rocky relationship, I had no doubt in my heart that I wanted to marry her. I cried when I asked. There is no doubt in my mind, both then and now, that I truly meant it when I asked her to be my wife.

We had a tremendous honeymoon. We got along as well as we ever had during those 11 days. This is probably much to do with me not having had the stress of my career and her not having had the stress of her son to worry about during that time. I think that it demonstrated just how good we could be together.

Once back to our normal lives, things went back to the get along/don’t get along pattern. Things turned dramatically south in Dec of 09 while my daughter was visiting. Her son was picking on my daughter, my mom saw what happened, but step son denied it. I went to discipline him and my wife stepped between us and told me not to yell at him or touch him. We had one of the worst arguments that we have ever had. I was deeply hurt, and felt extremely unappreciated. We argued for days. My wife told me to sleep on the couch as one point. So, I decided to continue sleeping on the couch until she apologized. This did not happen. Finally, after a month of me sleeping on the couch and us not talking, we agreed to have dinner to talk. She expressed to me her disappointment with the amount of time that I was spending alone, and my seemingly unwillingness to truly be part of a family. I told her that I would try to spend more time with she and her son. What I did not get is that time really wasn’t she was asking for. She was asking for my emotional presence, not my physical presence. She asked if I would go back to marriage counseling, which we had stopped once we got married, but I told her that I didn’t think that we needed it. I felt that we had done that once and that we would be ok if we just applied what we had learned before.

Things were just okay from that time until our next big blowout which occurred during my daughter’s next visit 5 months later. My daughter was with us for 3 weeks. Most of her visit went really well with my wife and I getting along relatively well. It was my daughters last night with us that my wife and I got into another big argument. We had a get together with my friends so that they could see my daughter before she left. My wife became angry when I let my dogs inside the house after it began to rain outside. I had let 3 wet dogs in to run around while we had 15 or so guests. My wife told me to get the dogs put away. When I did not act quickly enough, she told me to put them away or she would put them in our front yard. I adore my dogs and my wife is not a dog person. Putting my dogs in our front yard would mean that they could run away or be hit by a car. I was extremely hurt by my wife’s statement, which I perceived at that moment to be a threat. Later, after our guests had left, we had a huge argument about it and I ended up calling my wife a really vulgar name. Divorce was threatened by my wife and I told her to go file. AT THIS POINT, I was done with my marriage. I began sleeping on the couch again and contemplated how I was going to get out of our marriage. We did not speak to each other. This went on for about a month and a half. I was almost completely checked out of our marriage. I didn’t realize then, but I had effectively separated from my wife while we lived in the same home. I think now that I was a WAH. I began to have a change of heart after about 6 weeks and decided to try to work things out. I began to engage myself in the marriage little by little but didn’t verbally communicate my wishes to my wife. We went a few more weeks with little talk. There was definitely a wall between us. One night, my wife told me that she had decided to move out. I only listened. She went upstairs and got into bed. I went to our bedroom and told her that I thought that we should do everything that we could to fix our marriage and that I would now agree to go back to couples counseling and that i would even agree to do a weekend marriage workshop. She agreed to this and we agreed that she would not move out while we tried to do this.

We went to a marriage counselor for 4 weeks. From the first session, my wife admitted that she was unsure that she had it in her to continue trying to and to engage in the counseling. This got worse with each session. In the final session that we had, which was sometime in the middle of November, she told me in front of our therapist that she just couldn’t try anymore and that she was done. She told me that night that she had made the decision to move out and that I couldn’t change her mind. She told me that she thought that it was best and that maybe things would work out even if we did separate, but that she had never believed in “breaks” in relationships. She voiced her concern that I would “cheat” on her during our time apart and that she could never come back if that happened. I freaked out. At first I was angry and I yelled at her. I asked her if there was someone else, which she denied. I then, in the same evening, began to plead and beg for her to change my mind. I told her that I would change in every way that she needed me to. She only told me that she would not change her mind. Over the next few days, I began to try to be more attentive to her, I began to attend ALL of my step son’s events, and did everything that I could to be nice to her. I would go back and forth between being nice and being angry when she would continue to say that I couldn’t change her mind.

We had another argument about some tax money that we had refunded (late). Over the past 3 1/2 years we have accrued a substantial amount of debt, even with my salary. We had a huge house build, I bought her a very expensive engagement ring, and we had a very expensive wedding. I wanted to use our tax refund to pay off debt, while she wanted me to give her half of it to help her buy a new car (which she did need). Somehow that argument spilled over into our debt and how much of it that I would try to make her take on if we got divorced. I told her that she would take on half of the debt as well as our assets. Our assets include mainly our home and the new furniture that we purchased for it. Our house was purchased just as the economy sank, so we have very little, if any, equity. In other words, I was saying to her that she would be taking on a substantial amount of debt if we got divorced. I backed off and told her that I wouldn’t want her and my step son to be in a bad situation, but that I would have to do what was fair as things proceeded. Later, I may have told her that I would take all of the debt in an effort to be nice to her. She continued to insist that she was moving out. She let my step son know what was happening and told me that she had begun to look at places. That her goal was to move out by the end of November.

We didn’t speak much for a couple of days. I noticed her on the phone a lot late at night during these couple of days. I heard a male voice on the other end one night and asked her who she was talking to. She told me that it was one of her female friends. I thought that I was mistaken in what I thought i had heard and let it go. You see, my wife is a person of very high morals. She has ALWAYS been adamantly opposed to any kind of cheating in a relationship or marriage.

A day or so later, I engaged in more talk of her leaving, trying to convince her not to. She dropped the ILYBINILWY bomb on me. I lost it. I cried and begged for her to give me another chance. She eventually told me that she was leaving but that if she saw major changes in me that she would "consider" having a relationship with me down the road. At this point, we were still living in our home.

I was in major depression for the next several days and did not go to work. I began to let my friends and family know what was going on. This was very hard and I was embarrassed about my failure. I was at the point that I couldn't deal with what was going on alone and needed support. 3 days after dropping the ILYBINILWY bomb, she told me that she had found a place and that she was moving out the Friday after Thanksgiving. This was 9 days before the Thanksgiving holiday. 2 days after telling me that she had found a place I checked our cell phone records because I began to put together a few clues and became very suspicious. Sure enough, I found that she had been talking to someone multiple times per day for as long as 1 and 2 hours at a time. I called the number before confronting her and found out that it was a guy whom she sometimes works with at an entertainment company. I had actually met the guy. I approached my conversation very calmly (surprisingly) and asked him what was going on bw he and my wife. He told me that nothing was going on, that they just talk. He did say that she talked to him about our relationship and how she was thinking of leaving. I told him that I loved my wife very much and that what he was doing was not helping our issues. I immediately called my wife and confronted her. She told me the exact same thing. She told me that she expected me to bring it up as she knows that I keep track of our cell phone records closely due to my step son's usage. She told me that nothing physical had happened, but that she did admit that she had questioned her feelings for the OM. She told me that she would not stop talking to him, that talking to him made her happy and that she was looking out for herself right now. I reiterated how much I loved her, that I didn't want her to leave, that I would change, and that if she chose to divorce me that she would be giving up someone who would do anything in the world for her. She coldly told me that I should learn from this how easily things we love in the world can disappear and that I should learn to appreciate the good things in my life.

I then went her sister and BIL's home and told them about the OM. The were floored bc they also know my wife's moral values. They were both very angry with her. They told me that they thought that she was making a huge mistake in leaving me and that they felt that she was being very selfish. They also told me that wife's mother feels the same.

Wife's sister must have called wife's mom after I left bc when wife got home later that night she was furious with me for going to her family. She felt it was my attempt to manipulate her family so that they would take my side and pressure her to stay. We argued and yelled. I accused her of having an EA. She denied saying that we hadn't been married for months other than technically by law. She told me that she was furious that I was accusing her of having an affair bc she would never do that. During this whole time, step son is present. She tells me to leave her alone and stop talking about OM and R. I asked her what she was going to do if I didn't comply, "leave me"? She said yes. I said "go ahead and go, you're moving out in 9 days anyway". She packed a bag for she and my step son. I have not seen her face to face since this night.

We had a few TM and email conversations in bw her leaving that first night and Thanksgiving. None of it positive. She became very, very cold. At some point during the 9 days bw leaving and Thanksgiving, she accessed my email account (I do not know how) and found an email that I had saved from an exgf from 5 years ago (2 years into wife and I's R) that was very suggestive. She texted me and accused me of cheating on her. I explained that I had not cheated on her, that I had received a few emails from an ex 5 years ago and that I had made mistake in engaging in such conversation and by not deleting the emails. But that I had NOT looked at the emails in years and had not even remembered that they were there. She told her family of the emails and I have since learned that she is using them to basically justify her behavior with OM. She even asked her sister if she could invite OM to Thanksgiving dinner bc he has no family in Colorado. Her sister got very angry with her and told her no. Wife and her sister have not spoken since. I went to my family's home an hour away for the holiday and was miserable.

I returned the Sunday after Thanksgiving knowing that all of my wife's stuff would be gone. She had texted me asking me if she could take certain things on the Friday as she was packing. I did not argue with her taking much, but did with most of the actual furniture. Came back to having no kitchen items, no wall decor, and very little bathroom stuff. I replaced most of this stuff the next day for my own sanity. A few hours after getting home on that Sunday, my wife called me. It was at 11 p.m. I ignored her first call but she immediately called again. I picked up and spoke to her for 45 minutes. It was the first time that she was actually fairly normal with me in weeks. She began to cry and one point saying that what was happening made her sad. She told me again that nothing was going on with OM that he was just a friend, but that he was the first man in 8 years who had "caught her attention". She told me that he "hasn't even hit on me". I did not really respond to the talk of the other man other than to say that I was sorry that I hadn't been giving her what she needs to feel loved. She asked if I had filed for divorce yet. I told her that I hadn't. She said that she wanted to do it soon bc she is afraid that I will "screw her over more" if we don't file. She is worried bc I am a lawyer and bc I know a lot of lawyers. She knows that she will not be able to afford to hire one for herself. Also, after learning of OM, I told wife that I had meeting scheduled with friend who was divorce attorney. I did, but ended up canceling. Her response to that had been panic that I was going to stick her with half of our debt. She is very afraid of that. Anyway, in our telephone conversation, I told her that I was not going to screw her over, that I didn't want to hurt her or step son. I asked her to wait to file for divorce and to give it time. She hesitated and brought up possibility of filing for Legal Separation. She said filing for either would be "business decision" on her part, again bc afraid she will get screwed over. She said that if positive turn occurred in R that we could get remarried. Last thing that I should mention is that she asked me how could she ever trust me again after finding those emails. I told her to keep the emails in perspective, that they were from 5 years ago and that I NEVER cheated on her (which is true). Conversation ended with her telling me that we didn't need to decide that night.

I went through my email account and found one of many emails that I had saved from wife through the years. It was a sweet email from her from 6 years ago or so. I forwarded it to her and said "another email that I saved... I miss name". She didn't reply.

I did not contact her or hear from her for 2 days. She texted me about cell phone bill, I responded "ok". Next day, she texted me not to come to step son's play bc it would be uncomfortable. I didn't reply and also didn't have any clue why she would think I was going to go bc I didn't even know about the play. The next day, she texted me and asked if I was home bc she wanted to come by and pick up a pan and a few other fairly unimportant things. I told her that I was not home but that my mom was staying there for a little while. I was at a bar on my way to a pro basketball game but did not tell her where I was. She called immediately and asked me where I was. I told her that I was out downtown but did not tell her anything else. She became angry with me and said "I'm glad that you are already enjoying the single life!" I told her not to be that way, that I had already told her what I wanted etc. Then I told her that I had to go bc I had people waiting for me. A few minutes later she texted me and apologized for being rude.

Didn't hear from her for 2 days until my birthday. She sent me an email wishing me a happy bday. It was a very negative email though. I texted her later that day telling her thanks for the birthday wishes and that I thought that she would forget. She texted back that she had never forgotten my birthday. I sent another text teasing her that she had forgotten a couple of years ago. I was trying to steer the conversation to light talk. She responded that she had always gone out of her way to make my bday special but that I was always a "party pooper". I responded that it was true that I had taken life way too seriously in recent years but that I promised that I would act really surprised and have a great time at the surprise party that I knew that she was planning for me that night. Again, kidding. Her response was a mere "I'm sorry that things didn't work out the way that we had hoped". Very depressing! I only responded "now who is being the party pooper".

I didn't hear from her for 5 days and did not initiate any contact. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore and texted her a light hearted message with a picture of myself "Have been thinking a lot about us this morning and thought that I would send you a picture so that you don't forget what your husband looks like. I know that I'm being goofy. I just miss you". She responded, "Hi. How are you? Don't have time to talk bc I am driving home from mountains" (she had a singing gig in the mountains). That same evening, I received a text message from her. She was upset bc step son "sounds exactly like you. he says OM is destroying family. You know that is b.s. You need to take responsibility for your role". I responded that I was sorry step son giving her a hard time and that I would talk to him and explain to him that I do have a lot of blame. I texted step son and told him not to give his mom a hard time right now. That she is hurt. That I did a lot to cause what is going on. That none of it is his (step son's) fault. And that I loved him. I then texted her to let her know that I had told step son not to give her a hard time. She responded "thanks". That is the last contact that I have had with my wife. That was 3 days ago.

I have had contact with step son by phone and by text every couple of days during entire ordeal. He will call me and sometimes I will call him. He is sad, misses me and wants to come home. He has told me that wife has rented house for 6 months from people who are out of town for that time. They will have to move again when they return. He hopes that they will move back to our home. He says that his mom is still mad at me. I try not to talk about what my wife is doing with him and try to keep it to how he is doing. It is not fair to him to put him in the middle. It is hard though.

I have had some contact with BIL since S. I last spoke with him 2 weeks ago and he told me that he believes that wife is spending a lot of time with OM. He is also the one who told me that wife and sister (his wife) are not speaking due to situation. I haven't called BIL since bc it hurts too much to hear that wife is spending time with OM.

I have been staying in contact with my wife's step father (she is NOT close to him at all) by attending church with him every Sunday. I have never been religious but decided after S that I needed the positive experience of church and spirituality.

Wife's mom went dark on me immediately after OM exposed. I left her a VM and she sent me a text that she couldn't talk to me bc she needed to support her daughter. Wife's step father has told me that wife's mom does not agree with what she is doing, but that she needs to support her so that she can help guide her to what is right.

Wife's sister also went dark on me. BIL told me that she just doesn't want to make my wife angry and that the bottom line is that she is her sister. BIL reiterated that they think wife is making big mistake and that wife is being very selfish.

I do NOT know what to do next. I have been on this site reading other people's stories and the advice offered. I have read relevant portions of DB, but not DR. I need help to save my marriage. I now know that I have been a jerk to my wife for much of our time together. I have never cheated on her, but I have treated her disrespectfully. I have been tormenting myself hour upon hour, minute upon minute as to how I should have been different. This is pure torture. I want my wife back more than anything in the world.

Any advice, support or thoughts would truly be welcomed.

[grebjack]

Blind leading the blind - I haven't seen my husband's face in a couple months, so I'm clearly no expert. But it seems like you have a long history of lashing out at each other and then regretting it and apologizing. You have no control over your wife's behavior and the amount of time she spends with OM, but you DO know some things that work and don't work for you:

(1) You know she is worried about the debts, and you know that if you get stuck with them it won't be fair, but you'll survive, and that it would be a real hardship for her. Can you do anything to legally put the debts entirely in your name - I don't know the law, but if I were in her shoes, a unilateral, no quid pro quo change that reassured her she couldn't be impoverished by the house and furniture debt would feel like a really selfless expression of love. And putting yourself in that vulnerable position (it may make it easier for her, logistically, to leave you) expresses a certain amount of trust, the opposite of what you've angered her with when accusing her and talking to her family about the OM.

(2) You know that you need to protect your step-son from getting stuck in the middle. Keep it up. You know that it's important to her that you treat her son as your own, and protecting him emotionally is what a good father does.

(3) You know that when you make accusations, when you beg, etc. that she responds badly. Here I am VERY much in your shoes. Every time I start to say something about my relationship to my beloved husband, I find the will-power to resist by reminding myself that it isn't helping my case long term. Ask yourself how you can support her, have fun with her, GIVE HER THE UNCONDITIONAL FRIENDSHIP YOU FEAR SHE'S GETTING FROM THE OM, with no strings attached. Without pressure, try to make yourself into someone she can trust and someone whose company is not uncomfortable.

Best wishes. I am rooting for everyone on these boards, because I so want to believe for myself that it's all still possible.

Peace,

Rebecca

[Denver_2010]

Thanks for your thoughts, support and advice Rebecca. I too am rooting for everyone on this board. It takes guts and self respect to fight for a marriage, especially when you are the only party to that marriage fighting. I would like to know more about your situation, but can't find a thread where you have detailed it.

Denver

[HRT]

Hi Denver,
Wow, that was some email. I just wanted to say that I know how hard it is when you are trying to combine kids from different marriages into one new family. That was the main reason my last relationship (before my marriage) ended. We just couldn't make it work with the kids. And it was what I thought was an ideal situation, her daughter was 7, lost her father to cancer the year before, my son was 6, and lost his mother to leukemia. So both kids needed a mother and father figure. Easier said than done.

What do I know but it seems like if contact with W isn't going to be positive/pleasant why bother? I don't think either of us have to tell our wives that we are thinking about them or missing them. They know that, and to keep hearing it just gives them a degree of satisfaction. That's what I think anyway. But again, what do I know? I fight the urges to email her constantly...and I have been accomplishing THAT MUCH! No emails.

I thought it was ironic that you are a lawyer. When I met W she was in law school. 13th in her class of 145+. Her father is also a Lawyer with his own firm in her homestate (where she is) and he specializes in family law...something else for me to look forward to if the Big D happens down the road.

Not trying to take over your thread here Denver. You were the first person to respond in mine. I can relate to you having a WAW and wanting her back so bad. I share in the pain you feel, trust that.

Good luck with your situation.

[zengypsy]

Best wishes. I am rooting for everyone on these boards, because I so want to believe for myself that it's all still possible.

Peace,

Rebecca

I second this!

[Denver_2010]

Hi HRT - Thanks for checking in with my situation. Just updated myself on yours and posted a comment.

I am trying to let this particular thread die out bc I had to start another one when I was having issues posting. Here is my more active and updated thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2115113#Post2115113

[zengypsy]

Also Denver I am happy to hear that you are making baby steps with your GAL and maybe with your W. If she asks you again about who's dressing you, my response would be something like, I'm sorry but while we are not a team, you don't get to ask me those questions anymore. It may piss her off, but her ambivalence is not your responsibility. You can't control anyone's feelings but your own. Keep up the good work!

[hope2011]

Hi Denver,

It seems you're doing everything right. You're positive, GAL, being supportive but giving her space and doing everything right with your step-son. Rebecca gave you great advice.

Our sitches have some similarities. Mostly, the lashing out at each other. You're doing good at keeping your cool. Also, my H and I are from different backgrounds. He was a bank VP living in a fancy house driving an expensive car, I work in the non-profit sector. I've done in a lot in my career, he respects that, but my income has not helped take all his bills away and resents that. He brings up our differences in "lifestyles" frequently... meaning money. So I feel for your wife on that... feeling inadequate, feeling like having so much less money leaves inequality and a powerless feeling. If you truly mean to take on the debts yourself... offering her a LS just for that, for her piece of mind, to rebuild trust... do it. IF that's what's best for you too and you were planning to take on the debt anyway.

Don't mean to highjack your thread but a few questions:

1. When you became a WAH, what changed your mind and made you want to try again?

2. Did you ever look down on your W for making so much less than you and for giving her and her son things she could have never afforded?

3. Did you go to church before this? Is she religious? What does she say about you going to church?

[Denver_2010]

Hi DMOD. I'm sorry to bother you, but I think that there is something wrong with the thread that I have been posting to on the 'newcomers' forum of the online community. My thread is never being bumped to the top of the board when a new post is placed on it. For example I just checked my thread and my post from 11:52 this morning is on the thread, but my thread is on PAGE 7 of all of the threads and is showing that the most recent post on the thread was on 12/29/10 at 5:57 p.m.

No one is reading my posts bc the thread is too far down the list. Would you mind checking this out?

my username is Denver_2010 and the thread name is "need advice and support to keep hope".

Also, can you kill this thread so that I just have the one?

Thank you