I saw you online and wanted to stop in and let you know I was thinking about you. I have been distancing myself a bit from the bb lately. Only dropping in real quick to make a couple of updates on my sitch.
God slapped me on the wrist last week and let me know if I wanted Him to be in control of my sitch then I needed to stop taking it back and let Him have it all. So I gave it back to him again on V-day.
Hey guys and gals. I know it's been a few days. Been thinking about everyone, but I've also been very busy...with work and honey-dos. I appreciate everyone coming by and feel I'm getting behind owing some visits to a few people...most especially Sage, Charcoal, and FIP.
Had some interesting things happen the last couple of days. First I will begin with Valentine's Day...as it was good and bad. W and I had a spat.
So, I got up early in the morning and made some bacon and egg breakfast burritos, a little coffee, and took it up to my W in bed. She appreciated it. Went off to work, then came home for our night out. We couldn't get a reservation anywhere and tried to get into a couple places for dinner to no avail. So, we ended up going to Mr. Kimchee's...a Korean not-guite-fast-food place. It was really good. While in there we heard our song. We were jabbering along with conversation, then all of a sudden there it was on the radio. We both stopped for a moment and took it in. It was very nice.
Then...off to the movies...saw Chicago. I liked and W didn't too much. This is funny because W likes the theater. So, after the movie we went home and Jethro was expecting a little love...you know. Well, W wasn't into it and it really bummed me out. I got a little annoyed, then she did. Well, when it came down to it, she was very happy and felt close to me with our evening and didn't feel like we needed to have sex. Me, on the other hand, feel as though it's the "right" way to show how much one loves someone else. It was an unfortunate end to a very nice evening, but I think we both ended up understanding each other...and really, I should have just let it go. I will next time.
Last night was far more "interesting." My W and I were up late talking and you know whating...then I feel asleep for a little bit before she woke me up. She said, "Honey...I don't feel right...I feel dizzy," then goes into the bathroom. It was weird. She was really nervous, shaky, jittery, cold, etc. Well, it was an anxiety attack. All of this crap is really finally catching up to her. She doesn't think that it's there from just the A. She thinks she's been bottling her feelings for so long that she just can't do it anymore. I agreed because I feel the A was kind of a result of her bottling her feelings.
In any case, it took quite a while for her to calm down. She didn't want to talk about it at all because it made her feel even worse. She just wanted me to try and distract her with babble. So, Jethro was babbling about this and that until about 2:30 this morning. Poor W.
I was going to go to work this morning, but she wanted me to stay home in case she had another episode. She's real worried. She's felt borderline today. She got on the Internet and determined that it definitely was an anxiety attack. I, of course, mentioned this last night because of my experiences with reading about others on the BB. I know the signs. So, Jethro stayed home from work and was at W's side all day long. She was very affectionate, hugging, etc. It was nice, but I'm worried about her. She doesn't really want to do the meds because she wants to deal with this on her own. I simply told her that many people have used meds and there's no shame. We'll see.
So, I ran a bath for her and she's there right this moment. I expect her to call me soon to go to bed. I told her I'd give her a rub until she fell asleep. She's very worried about another episode tonight.
So, you guys, who has some experience with these things and what can one do to help? I'd love some advice.
Thanks all. I'm going to try and pop in on a few threads tonight, as I had only so much time last night...
Oh, forget to include what W put on my V-day card:
"We've both been through a lot this year but I'm certain that with love and determination we will overcome it all and come out stronger. I love you. W."
Not bad I think... Of course, I start to wonder if she means "we'll" come out stronger together or apart. Sorry...negative Jethro coming through...
I'm sorry your wife is experiencing panic attacks. I know how scary they can be. I've had one before. I've heard either through people or through the abnormal psych class that the worst thing about these attacks is that the person begins to fear that they will have another one. Then they stop going outside the home and if that continues long enough they start actually fearing going outside.
I've heard the best thing to do is to allow the panic attack to happen, breathe through it, and let it run it's course. That if you try to fight it, it just gets worse and lasts longer and happens more frequently.
Perhaps she could DB her panic attacks? Figure out what makes them shorter, less intense?
Maybe call a DB coach on this one to get some techniques?
Just a comment about the anxiety attack... i've had them, still have them, they don't necessarily *scare* me though... I think it's just my brain's way of telling me there's something *not right* inside of it. The way I work on that, or fix it, is to think positive.
Just the other day, I was having a little attack as a result of my missing ex-OM. I was all messed up and feeling pretty desparate. Anyway, I left work in my car, went to this little place I park to think, I got out my journal and wrote self-affirming things down like:
"I need to live up to my own expectations and stop expecting instant gratification."
"Poetry is a place that brings me down. A place where I actively seek desparate things."
"The positive projection is that H IS the man I CHOSE to live my life with. If H wasn't good enough, I wouldn't have made that choice in the first place."
"It is time to smile. It is time to set MYSELF free."
...Once I'd finished writing that, I could breathe, I could smile and the thought "Physician Heal Thyself" occured to me. So, your W may not need meds at all... she might just benefit from a little positive introspection.
(prior to all the trouble with my R, I NEVER had anything like that happen, I was a total *type B* personality. when the probs really started getting bad... about 2 years ago, i've had to deal with the occasional attack... it's okay, really... I just have to listen to what the attacks are saying)
Your W kinda sounds like me a little bit in terms of sex. But, I've certainly read about and can appreciate your side of it. H believes if we do NOT have sex it is SAD ~ and to me, that's a shame. What's the point of getting sad? I need to try to understand that more... and become more giving.
Quoting jethro: ... She said, "Honey...I don't feel right...I feel dizzy," then goes into the bathroom. It was weird. She was really nervous, shaky, jittery, cold, etc. Well, it was an anxiety attack. All of this crap is really finally catching up to her. She doesn't think that it's there from just the A. She thinks she's been bottling her feelings for so long that she just can't do it anymore. I agreed because I feel the A was kind of a result of her bottling her feelings...She doesn't really want to do the meds because she wants to deal with this on her own. I simply told her that many people have used meds and there's no shame. We'll see.
How PnT describes the panic attacks and the advise she gave is right on the money. In fact, my W has been caught up in the catch-22 of fearing another attack actually is what triggers some of them. Other times she wakes up in the middle of the night having one. PnT is also right in that by having her focus on her breathing rather than trying to resist will allow the attack to pass quicker. Being supportive and coaching her through it (that reminding her to breath and that it will pass & all will be alright.) will also reduce the duration of the attack.
I hope for your W they won't presist. If they do, meds probably won't be a cut and dry solution as it is a long trial & error process of finding the right medication and dosage and in time the attacks can come back.
Since your W feels that the source could be her bottled up feeling, I would suggest talking to a C would do more good than the meds right now. This could lead to joint C and if you feel you may not need it, be supportive and do it for her (one of my biggest mistakes) and I'm sure that you will find some of what is said very insightful and will help bring you closer together.
Unfortunately for us, my W has closed the door to having more C sessions and felt up to now, a pill will cure the attacks, but after this weekend she has reallized it hasn't work up to now. While she still doesn't want to start up C just yet, she is open to reading some books I heard are suppose to be very good on the subject. I plan on getting them this week.
So nice to hear things keep going well, despite the occasional bump in the road. I quite enjoyed Chicago too (of course I was watching the scenery very carefully )
I have had experience (and success) in my work, treating people with moderate to severe anxiety disorders, using a behavioural approach (with no meds). I have found first of all, that if the person can learn about the condition, this lessens the anxiety already. Anxiety feeds off itself, and if the person fears that they will lose control in public, or even die (which often happens in more severe cases), this in itself can provoke an attack. To be reassured that you will be fine, and most likely you are the only person to notice the signs, can bring about some relief. There is an excellent resource called the anxiety and phobia workbook (can't remember the author offhand) which your W may find helpful.
I don't know if this will be of help to you and your W, but I have helped people by having them identify the sources of their anxiety, and list these. Your W's may be more generalized anxiety, but examples from people I have worked with were often specific situations such as crowds, loud noises, heights, etc. Then I lead them through relaxation exercises, followed by systematic desensitization to the anxiety provoking stimuli, initially just imagined, then very gradually, for real.
It works, but it can take a long time. Of course the people I have worked with have been experiencing debilitating anxiety for a long time, to the point where it limits their activities outside of home.
If your wife can identify what triggers these feelings in her, and find a way to relax in the face of them, her anxiety won't likely evolve to this point. Maybe she could benefit from yoga too??? Or meditation, or even just progressive deep muscle relaxation (you can buy tapes to guide this). I have tried to describe a very detailed process in a paragraph or two here, but if I can be of any more help, please don't hesitate to let me know.
I know she must have been tremendously comforted by you staying with her and helping her through this recent attack - it can be very scary. I have had some mini-attacks myself, mine are actually triggered by a minor heart condition which causes my heart to race suddenly, but with my background knowledge, I was able to sit back and say "isn't this interesting?" instead of being convinced I was having a heart attack. Your ongoing support will be so valuable to her as she learns to cope with this, and overcome it.
WOW! Thanks everyone very much for the thorough responses. I will definitely pass on your responses to her.
PNT, she pretty much handled her situation the way you suggested the other night. Instinctively she seemed to know to try and relax and breathe carefully. She sat on the floor for some time with her head between her legs.
Charcoal, like you, my W has a jounal that she writes in quite frequently. I can tell when she gets stressed because she goes back to the journal. At this point, I kind of take it as a sign to back off.
Quoting KAW:Since your W feels that the source could be her bottled up feeling, I would suggest talking to a C would do more good than the meds right now. This could lead to joint C and if you feel you may not need it, be supportive and do it for her (one of my biggest mistakes) and I'm sure that you will find some of what is said very insightful and will help bring you closer together.
I suggested the C the other night, KAW, but I don't know that she really thought too much about it. It likely wasn't the best time to bring it up and all she wanted me to do was just ramble on about this and that to try and get her mind off of things. Hard to do at 2:00 AM. I will again approach the C question and see how she feels. During her year of belligerence she went to C, but I don't think it did any good. I think that now she's somewhat gun-shy.
Seeing RJJ in action! Had no idea. I appreciate your insights, RJJ, and sent you an e-mail with a question.
Of course, I start to wonder if she means "we'll" come out stronger together or apart. 
Sorry...negative Jethro coming through... 
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