Sorry. I did not mean I did not care about Sinclair. Of course I do. I just meant I can relate more to some people when they have anxiety/panic and need medical intervention because I did too.
I am so sorry, Sinclair. Of course I care about your thread!
CG, I don't think it came across that way. It is clear from your posts that you care very deeply for Sinclair's sitch as well as all the (probably hundreds) of others you have helped since you have been here. I have watched you be of invaluable help to so many.
Sinclair, CG is someone who has a great deal of wisdom and insight in these situations. You are wise to pay attention to her advice to you.
We are here because we understand your pain and we want to help. That's the only agenda most of us have.
You are, obviously, a loving caring person. If you knew my wife, I'm sure your heart would poor out to her, too. My wife suffers from anxiety/panic/depression; she is also seeking medical treatment. Even though I am the LBS, the pain that I carry pales when compared to hers.
This crises has challenged me to the core, in ways I've never dreamt possible. I realize that I need to redefine my role in our marriage; I need to learn how I can be more supportive of my wife's emotional needs; and I need to be a positive force in my wife's recovery so that we can live a healthy, happy, life together.
I'm not here looking for spiteful, mean spirited, tactics to hurt my wife. If I can't be part of a positive solution to our problems, I would prefer to part company as friends and be done with it.
To that extent, your complaints against the editing are (IMO) valid. I am the one asking for advice; I want to know my options. I'm an adult, fully capable of filtering the information on my own. I don't need to be coddled. If the posts were not vulgar or offensive, they should not have been deleted or edited. Yet I didn't see the posts, so, I guess I'll never know.
This crises has challenged me to the core, in ways I've never dreamt possible. I realize that I need to redefine my role in our marriage; I need to learn how I can be more supportive of my wife's emotional needs; and I need to be a positive force in my wife's recovery so that we can live a healthy, happy, life together.
I'm not here looking for spiteful, mean spirited, tactics to hurt my wife. If I can't be part of a positive solution to our problems, I would prefer to part company as friends and be done with it.
Sinclair,
IMO setting boundaries after there has been infidelity is a positive solution and absolutely necessary. It is positive because it keeps your self respect intact. It is positive for your wife because it demonstrates to her that you are worth respecting and treating as a person of value. It helps to push her out of the self absorbed mindset that is present during infidelity, and towards being able to consider you and the impact on you as well.
In recovering from infidelity, it is true that meeting the WAS emotional needs will need to be part of the picture. The concern I have is that you seem so focused on your own failings and HER needs, that you could easily allow her to walk all over you and not even realize it is happening!
When we are challenged to the core in a crisis like this, we can feel so desperate to get our spouse back that we don't see some of the reality for what it is. In the long run, that will only harm both you and your W more.
It is important to realize that infidelity has an addictive quality to it. No matter how sincere and remorseful your W may be now, she may continue to be drawn back to OM. Yes she is in pain, but that does not change the fact that you have to have your eyes wide open. You need to be firm, decisive and immovable on your boundaries.
I would hate to see you hurt again, and worse, because you are so focused on her pain and your failings that you go too soft and easy on her. That wouldn't be good for either of you.
My wife came by the house this morning. We talked for over an hour. She appeared to be trying to justify her decision to leave me. Over and over, she keeps reaching back into our past to find events that confirm her decision to leave. I had said something 20 years ago that she's still carrying around with her.
She's testing me, isn't she? I managed to stay calm and confident; I was a good listener; I gave her my undivided attention; I addressed her concerns with understanding; I acknowledged my own shortcomings and confirmed my commitment to working on our relationship. In essence, I've been following the DB guild-lines (I hope). It wasn't all bad: she managed to admit that I do have some very good qualities as well.
I told her to take her time. In truth, there isn't much more that can be said. She needs to notice the changes in me and that will take time. My instincts are to lay low and work on myself. I have several appointments with Spanish tutors today and I found a class in Salsa dancing that I was considering for this evening (something I was planning before all the R talk). Does anybody think it's inappropriate?
Your view appears to be the consensus. I happen to agree with you and the boundaries have been set. She already understood my boundaries, however, even before I stated them. The question is will she respect my boundaries? If not, I need to be prepared to move on.
My H went back to the past too in MC to justify things, and the truth is, I did some pretty yucky stuff...as did he. I couldn't change those things, but I made it my goal to remove every possible *current* reason that he could use as an excuse. He'd never told me how he felt about things (I had severe social anxiety and would avoid gatherings where I didn't know people...he said it was okay, but secretly resented it...plus other stuff he said he was fine with but really wasn't), so once he did, I set out to fix every valid issue he had with me.
He'd said that I could, "never change," so I proved him wrong.
At one point in MC though after he'd brought up yet another thing I'd done wrong in the past, I said, "I sincerely regret choices I made in the past, but there's no way I can change it. What I can and am willing to do is make better choices from this day forward." Once he recommitted and we started dealing with his own past choices, he *really* understood that.
I agree with your instincts, "to lay low and work on [yourself]." GAL was crucial to the restoration of my M, not only because my H saw that I could and would be fine on my own, but because it improved my PMA and ability to cope tremendously. In the midst of the craziness, I found myself having fun and able to detach from my sitch. It allowed me to act with integrity and respect for both me and my H as I DB'd. I stopped REACTING out of fear and made choices that were good for me and my M.
Ultimately, though I preferred to stay with and work on my M with H, I KNEW I'd be okay if that didn't happen. There's a real freedom in that, and it's the reason why, now that we've been reconciled for 4 years, I'm willing to speak up and talk about hard things rather than hold on to them and be passive aggressive like I was pre-bomb. My H also speaks up when he needs something instead of holding on to it and becoming resentful like he did pre-bomb. Of course, he's also clear I will not travel down that path again. I expect him to speak up instead of using an EA as a substitute for communication with me.
I say go and salsa dance. Exercise releases endorphins, and you'll get to go and be "normal" for a few hours. Don't be surprised if you find yourself laughing or having fun. It's okay to do that. More of that, less of sitting and meditating on how yucky your sitch is.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
It is positive because it keeps your self respect intact.
Boundaries are tools to protect you. IMO placing faith in them for this
Originally Posted By: Rocked
It is positive for your wife because it demonstrates to her that you are worth respecting and treating as a person of value. It helps to push her out of the self absorbed mindset that is present during infidelity, and towards being able to consider you and the impact on you as well.
Can sometimes be misplaced faith.
Because she will or she won't.
In the end your self respect is resident in you.
And IS defined by YOUR actions and choices.
When we come here we don't see that right away. It is a process to get there.
So I agree with Rocked in the sense that you must use these tools for yourself.
When you say this
Originally Posted By: Sinclair
I'm not here looking for spiteful, mean spirited, tactics to hurt my wife. If I can't be part of a positive solution to our problems, I would prefer to part company as friends and be done with it.
It speaks to who you are. Your values and your integrity. You can never go wrong when you do that because it is not dependent on the action or reaction of another person.
All the boundaries in the world will not restore that in yourself.
So choose your boundaries wisely and for YOU. And make sure you are prepared to make consequences for them and that they align with YOUR goals.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
And I've seen a lot of marriages get into trouble because both spouses didn't have healthy boundaries.
Time makes a good point Sinclair and one I should clarify.
I am not condoning bad behavior. What I am saying is that your boundaries are for you. To protect you.
Not to control someone's behavior or have an expectation that it will do anything but protect you from the bad behavior.
I am also saying that what your W chooses to do despite your boundary should not have a bearing on your self respect.
For instance she can choose to ignore your boundary. Does that mean she doesn't respect you? Maybe. Maybe she feels like she's being controled? Maybe because it's Tuesday.
If anyone here can give you the answer to that then have them give you the winning lottery numbers too.
Don't tie your W's choices to YOUR self respect.
The operative word is healthy. Healthy for you.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
