You don't need to "go Neanderthal," but a simple-but-firm "You know, I was trying to be kind, to let you sleep in. I really don't appreciate you biting my head off. Next time, maybe you can just get your own Egg McMuffin. I'm going to go grab a shower, and then we'll get going."
Starsky
I don't want to dismiss what you're saying, but saying that to my W when she is escalated is not going to deescalate her. The only thing I can do is end the conversation and leave if I have to. Taking the dog for a walk is a good option. She calmed down when I did it the last time. If that doesn't work , I can take the dog to the dog park. There may be nights I'll have to sleep in a hotel, or leave a dinner party, or take a break from a dance venue.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Not every boundary enforced is meant to de-escalate the short-term. But done correctly, I believe it can very much improve your interactions with her in the long-term.
Sometimes one must take the short-term hit for the longer-term gain. Us conflict-avoiders DETEST that notion (I know -- I'm a world-class confict avoider!), but it's the truth nonetheless.
Not every boundary enforced is meant to de-escalate the short-term
This is a very good point that, CL, I think you are missing. I would go so far as to say enforcing boundaries has nothing to do with de-escalating anything. It has to do with teaching people how to treat you. I think if you did that, your wife would respect you far more, be more attracted to you and treat you better.
While going neanderthal may not be necessary, my point was you stand up. She can rant, she can threaten, hey babe, fine with me. I am standing strong in front of you and I'm not cowering away. I refuse to be spoken to disrespectfully. I REFUSE. You do not swallow her BS and then send her an email the next day telling her she needs to consider conducting herself differently. You want to say, hold up sister, you will be respectful. If you are not able to do that, you know were to find me when you are.
Quote:
There may be nights I'll have to sleep in a hotel, or leave a dinner party, or take a break from a dance venue.
This is shrinking away from the conflict. Conflict in and of itself is not bad. It's how you deal with it that can be sticky. I really think you have done so well in most other areas. Learning to stand your ground in a powerful, self respecting fashion is what appears to be the final piece of the puzzle missing for you. You seem a thoughtful, caring, compassionate, loving man. You do not seem a powerful, self assured man. I really thing that is what she wants.
When I say rise to the challenge. I did not mean the challenge of being with her. I meant the challenge of her intimidation, or getting her own way. She pushes you around. I think she wants to push and feel a man standing solid in front of her that she can't brush aside because you are to strong. That is what she is waiting for. It IS possible to be thoughtful, caring, compassionate, and loving, yet at the same time also be powerful, self assured.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
Not every boundary enforced is meant to de-escalate the short-term
This is a very good point that, CL, I think you are missing. I would go so far as to say enforcing boundaries has nothing to do with de-escalating anything. It has to do with teaching people how to treat you. I think if you did that, your wife would respect you far more, be more attracted to you and treat you better.
While going neanderthal may not be necessary, my point was you stand up. She can rant, she can threaten, hey babe, fine with me. I am standing strong in front of you and I'm not cowering away. I refuse to be spoken to disrespectfully. I REFUSE. You do not swallow her BS and then send her an email the next day telling her she needs to consider conducting herself differently. You want to say, hold up sister, you will be respectful. If you are not able to do that, you know were to find me when you are.
Quote:
There may be nights I'll have to sleep in a hotel, or leave a dinner party, or take a break from a dance venue.
This is shrinking away from the conflict. Conflict in and of itself is not bad. It's how you deal with it that can be sticky. I really think you have done so well in most other areas. Learning to stand your ground in a powerful, self respecting fashion is what appears to be the final piece of the puzzle missing for you. You seem a thoughtful, caring, compassionate, loving man. You do not seem a powerful, self assured man. I really thing that is what she wants.
When I say rise to the challenge. I did not mean the challenge of being with her. I meant the challenge of her intimidation, or getting her own way. She pushes you around. I think she wants to push and feel a man standing solid in front of her that she can't brush aside because you are to strong. That is what she is waiting for. It IS possible to be thoughtful, caring, compassionate, and loving, yet at the same time also be powerful, self assured.
DNO, you said it far better than I could have. Amen.
Not every boundary enforced is meant to de-escalate the short-term. But done correctly, I believe it can very much improve your interactions with her in the long-term.
I'm listening. What is the correct way?
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
While going neanderthal may not be necessary, my point was you stand up. She can rant, she can threaten, hey babe, fine with me. I am standing strong in front of you and I'm not cowering away. I refuse to be spoken to disrespectfully. I REFUSE. You do not swallow her BS and then send her an email the next day telling her she needs to consider conducting herself differently. You want to say, hold up sister, you will be respectful. If you are not able to do that, you know were to find me when you are.
DNO, Are you suggesting I overpower her voice and back her down? It sounds like someting a police officer would do. What am I supposed to do if she's disrespectful in public?
I don't think she generally pushes me around. The problem is how to handle her rants, when she's unglued, and her mind and mouth are racing. I haven't tried an overpower her approach, so I don't know how it would work.
I hear what you and Starsky are saying, but I don't have much faith in it, at this time. I don't see words or tone having much influence at controlling, or deescalating her. The only option I see is to remove myself from her presence for a period of time.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Not every boundary enforced is meant to de-escalate the short-term. But done correctly, I believe it can very much improve your interactions with her in the long-term.
While going neanderthal may not be necessary, my point was you stand up. She can rant, she can threaten, hey babe, fine with me. I am standing strong in front of you and I'm not cowering away. I refuse to be spoken to disrespectfully. I REFUSE. You do not swallow her BS and then send her an email the next day telling her she needs to consider conducting herself differently. You want to say, hold up sister, you will be respectful. If you are not able to do that, you know were to find me when you are.
DNO, Are you suggesting I overpower her voice and back her down? It sounds like someting a police officer would do. What am I supposed to do if she's disrespectful in public?
I don't think she generally pushes me around. The problem is how to handle her rants, when she's unglued, and her mind and mouth are racing. I haven't tried an overpower her approach, so I don't know how it would work.
I hear what you and Starsky are saying, but I don't have much faith in it, at this time. I don't see words or tone having much influence at controlling, or deescalating her. The only option I see is to remove myself from her presence for a period of time.
CL
CL,
You say you're listening, and yet you're not. A better path has been suggested to you, repeatedly, and yet you've rejected it. If your way is working, then that's fine. From my perspective, I don't see that it is, and you really have nothing to lose from trying a different approach.
Not every boundary enforced is meant to de-escalate the short-term
This is a very good point that, CL, I think you are missing. I would go so far as to say enforcing boundaries has nothing to do with de-escalating anything. It has to do with teaching people how to treat you. I think if you did that, your wife would respect you far more, be more attracted to you and treat you better.
While going neanderthal may not be necessary, my point was you stand up. She can rant, she can threaten, hey babe, fine with me. I am standing strong in front of you and I'm not cowering away. I refuse to be spoken to disrespectfully. I REFUSE. You do not swallow her BS and then send her an email the next day telling her she needs to consider conducting herself differently. You want to say, hold up sister, you will be respectful. If you are not able to do that, you know were to find me when you are.
Quote:
There may be nights I'll have to sleep in a hotel, or leave a dinner party, or take a break from a dance venue.
This is shrinking away from the conflict. Conflict in and of itself is not bad. It's how you deal with it that can be sticky. I really think you have done so well in most other areas. Learning to stand your ground in a powerful, self respecting fashion is what appears to be the final piece of the puzzle missing for you. You seem a thoughtful, caring, compassionate, loving man. You do not seem a powerful, self assured man. I really thing that is what she wants.
When I say rise to the challenge. I did not mean the challenge of being with her. I meant the challenge of her intimidation, or getting her own way. She pushes you around. I think she wants to push and feel a man standing solid in front of her that she can't brush aside because you are to strong. That is what she is waiting for. It IS possible to be thoughtful, caring, compassionate, and loving, yet at the same time also be powerful, self assured.
Please listen to DNO. He knows what he's talking about.
I rarely post here anymore but I thought it might help you to hear from a woman who thinks this is spot on in your situation.
