My partner and I have reconciled (unexpectedly- I had given up-isn't that always the way). We have not been sexual in 6 months (that was 90% of the breakup) and we are both shy to renew this side that caused us both so much pain and fighting. I am the HD and I do not want to startle her. I have always been a more sexual human being and she has always been less (less masturbating, no porn-video or book, no toys, etc.). I know we will never have equal drives but I'm also a more sensual person over all.
I'd love to hear ideas (we are both women by the way) for increasing sensual connection without actual sex. I want her to feel safe, but sensually stimulated on a fairly regular basis. She doesn't enjoy kissing intensely unless we are making love.
Aside from the obvious massage and non-sexual touch (we also slow dance some as well), any ideas?
Things you can do as a couple which are exciting. This can translate into a heightened sensual feeling without sexual pressure. Exhilirating mountain hikes with great views and steep slopes. Sailing together. Camping in a remote area.
Also, flirting. Positive sense of humor about each other and sensual innuendos.
My wife and I had a dry spell in our SSM. Our sex therapist helped us regain intimate relations.
The sex therapist suggested sensate focus exercises, but that freaked my wife out as it was too much too quick. For most people it is a good way of gradually building up to full sexual activity.
When that didn't work, the sex therapist negotiated non-sensual massage for specific body parts (back/neck for her to massage me --foot massage for me to massage her) that would allow regaining tactile sensual connection. The negotiations included time, what each person would be wearing and how much time and the limits of the body parts to be touched.
Your partner's comfort level is the obvious key element and from my personal experience what might typically be recommended might not work in all cases.
I would also suggest that any touching be done with great consideration to body self image issues. For my wife, she felt that her feet were OK, but much of the rest of her body she was not comfortable with. Since we have regained intimacy, she has a much better body self image and so things have progressed alot.
You are wise to start slow and carefully. Good luck.
P.S. While not sensual or touch related, I try to make my wife feel loved just about every day by making sure she feels loved in her primary and secondary languages of love (Champman, 5 Languages of Love, book), which are acts of devotion and quality time. It has made a huge difference in our relationship. You might want to explore what your partners languages of love are and see if you can't make her feel loved in non-physical ways.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
Thank you both for your thoughtful responses. YoungAtHeart, sounds like I need to research all of your posts because it seems like you have made real progress. I'm trying to breathe deep and not be in a hurry, a problem I've had in the past. AND to not take any of it personally which is incredibly hard.
Don't forget that you can make some progress just by making sure that you see and acknowledge it when your spouse tries to show love in their language, even if it's not yours.
My wife sets great store by acts of service. That's not really my way of showing love, but now that I know that about her, I make a point to acknowledge that I get it when she does things like make my lunch. For her, that's not just doing me a favor, it's a way to show me that she loves me, so I don't say "Thanks." I say, "Thanks, baby, I love you too." I also do things like laundry, putting gas in her car, and setting up the coffee maker each night so that we have fresh coffee in the morning, so that she gets love in her language.
For her part, she makes a point of touching me, putting her hands on me, sitting on my lap, snuggling on the couch . . . and she also makes a point of acknowledging how good it feels when I massage her neck or her shoulders or just give her a big squeeze. That way I get love in my own language, but I also get to show love in my own language, and they both help.
All of you, I have another question. For those of you who have been successful in repairing the HD/LD heartache, how long did you wait before your LD partner came around a bit?
My partner and I have reunited for about 5 weeks. I KNOW this isn't much and I thought, because the last intimacy we had was so fraught with pain and anxiety, that I wouldn't want sex again in forever (wrong).
There has been some positive movement. She is much more likely to give me something akin to a 'real kiss' vs. 'grandma kisses'. There is touch of my breasts and allowing me to touch her, while she reassures me this is ok.
But, I'm just curious and I promise I won't set this as my own time line, when things started improving slightly, how long before you saw real change in the frequency and passion of real sex?
Yes, though I've yet to read the 5 Love Languages (its on order along with the Hold Me Tight book), acts of service are clearly her way and touch is clearly mine. I do, in fact, take care to provide these surprise acts of service (cleaning something, making the coffee, doing laundry) and to acknowledge any and all "progress" without making too much ado about it.
Sigh. I just don't know, after 3 years of back and forth over this topic, how to remain hopeful that we can get to someplace we are both comfortable with.
