Okay, I know this is a pet peeve of mine, but I believe there is a difference in Going Dark and Detaching.
First of all, going dark is very hard to do whenever children are in the mix. You cannot be dark if you have to see your S. That's not dark. Going dark is whenever a person completely separates themselves from their S and does not see them or talk to them for a long period of time (like a year.....at least several months). This works when couples do not have children or else they have someone to intervene with child visitations (dropping kids off at S, etc.).
You don't call it going dark a day or two while you're living under the same roof! That's not going dark. It really makes you look as if you're in a bad mood. You're not GD if you don't answer a phone call or respond to a text.
Then......somewhere along the way people stated using the term "going gray". What?? You don't go dark one day and gray the next and then sunny the next!
People need to understand what detaching is all about. Forget going dark or any other shades. Most newcomers can't go dark. Heck, they can't even detach!
Learn what detaching is all about. Detaching can be done while living under the same roof or separated. You can "lovingly" detach. Detaching is not acting like you're in a mood by not talking. Detaching is an attitude of being a new person who is focused on becoming involved in an enjoyable life and who doesn't have time for a bunch of drama or taking cr@p from the S. Detaching is not jumping to answer a call or text every time the S decides to check up. Detaching is not engaging in R talks or persuing.
I could go on & on about what detaching is, but I mainly wanted to get the GOING DARK (and especially going GRAY)off my chest. Going dark is a DB technique, but it really is one of the very LRT to use. I am concerned that Newcomers do not understand the difference in the two concepts.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Detaching is totally unrelated to going dark! You can detach and talk to someone every day.
Detaching is not letting what they say or do control you emotions. It's an internal action.
Going dark is an external action, limiting contact to the minimum required. It MAY help you detach, but I don't think that's a given. But it does show you that you don't have to have your partner. And it shows them that you don't have to have them, and that you are not always available to them.
Well,true,but as long as there seems to continue to be confusion.......
Speaking of posting something so many times, here's an old favorite. I think one of the newcomers was asking about how loving detaching would be played out day by day. For those who've seen it till you're sick of it, I apologize. Just trying to help out.
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off! 2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first. 3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only! 4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention. 5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject. 6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse. 7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence. 8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.) 9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better. 10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.) 11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.) 12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude. 13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice. 14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go. 15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative. 16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also. 17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it. 19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that. 20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf. 21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight. 22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake. 23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel! 24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works! 25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying. 26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell). 27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake. 28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only. 29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse. 31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them. 32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared. 33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return. 35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary. 36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.(Not everyone agrees with this one,but it's my opinion.) 37.Do not backslide from your new changes.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
No one should be sick of this list...in fact, it should be a post on just about every newcomers first thread!
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
Well,true,but as long as there seems to continue to be confusion.......
Speaking of posting something so many times, here's an old favorite. I think one of the newcomers was asking about how loving detaching would be played out day by day. For those who've seen it till you're sick of it, I apologize. Just trying to help out.
This post is directed to you but will also serve to bump this great thread of yours up to the top of the forum.
I dont want to post a direct answer to you about a certain poster who's threads that you can not find but let me just say that they are safe and not available to anyone except me at this time.
I did start a thread about this subject that you can answer me on to further complicate the communications. However I can tell you that it is on purpose to protect the user in question.
You don't go dark one day and gray the next and then sunny the next! 
