No, Coach. It's not. But is there no value in being patient? Did you have a situation where throwing the proverbial kaibosch (kybosh, kibosh?!) down worked to your benefit and to the benefit of your marriage??
M9+ T 11+ Me42 H44 2 kids under 5 IlYBNILWY -3/10 A discovered late 8/10 H moved out early 9/10 - back two weeks later "Taking a Break" - H moves out 1/2/10
Sure there is value in being patient. Boundaries let other people know how you expect to be treated and the consequences if they are broken. You have a choice in how you handle this.
I thought he was going to have no contact while he "thought" thru his decsion? Put the shoe on the other foot and switch roles, what would cause you to take notice?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
as Barb lobs a 68-mph, no-movement meatball, right over the heart o' the plate . . .
Thanks for the laugh.
Last edited by gr8 day 2B alive; 10/15/1004:05 PM.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
barbsing, you should spend more time reading up on the sitchs of people here who have been successful either in reconciling or moving forward in their lives on their own. Yes, Coach did have success. So did Rob. So did I.
I do understand your confusion and frustration. My immediate thought was to kick BF out when I discovered his A. But I wanted to follow DR strictly so I tried to lovingly detach while he was still in the house (I did move him into the guest room). It did not work for me at all because the longer I watched him come and go to OW the worse it made me feel about myself for putting up with that crap.
When I decided to put him out of the house things turned around for me immediately. Yes, he did move in with OW as I knew he would. So be it. I decided that if she wanted a cheater then she could have him; I deserved better. I focused on myself and had a lot of fun GAL and making plans for my future. I only communicated with BF via email about financial matters.
About a month after I kicked him out he started saying he wanted another chance. It took a while for him to convince me to give him another chance, and it included him moving out of OW's apartment and agreeing to end all contact with her.
Of course you can decide to handle the situation however you see best. I'm simply telling you that, from my personal experience, the course of action you have chosen is extremely painful, can be detrimental to your self-esteem and self-respect, and doesn't produce results. What does work is what Rob and Coach have recommended.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Coach - I did set a boundary, albeit perhaps not a very powerful one. I told him I was not going to have a third person in our marriage so if he were going to stay, he would have to end all communication with her, which he said he did. And about which he is very angry and resentful. He obviously is not focusing on healing our relationship. I think a lot about the shoe being on the other foot, but he does not. I think he is too self-absorbed at the moment. But what would that look like, indeed? It's hard for me to even conceive because when I imagine the darkest, most dysfunctional places in my heart and soul, I know I would never be capable of treating another person the way he is choosing to treat me (and I know, I know - I am choosing to accept this treatment).
Starsky -not meaning to appear dense, but can you elaborate? Not sure I caught the meaning behind your quip.
M9+ T 11+ Me42 H44 2 kids under 5 IlYBNILWY -3/10 A discovered late 8/10 H moved out early 9/10 - back two weeks later "Taking a Break" - H moves out 1/2/10
Of course you can decide to handle the situation however you see best. I'm simply telling you that, from my personal experience, the course of action you have chosen is extremely painful, can be detrimental to your self-esteem and self-respect, and doesn't produce results. What does work is what Rob and Coach have recommended.
I remember being a newbie and not listening to the advice given to me because my sitch was sooo different from everyone else's.
It wasn't until months into my sitch that I decided I had nothing to lose and started listening to the advice given.
That's when things change for me. I was/am so much happier and now I have been given the chance to regain my M.
Keep an opened mind when advice is given.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
It just bums me out to see so many people here choose to be in limbo for a looooong time. It felt like forever to me, and from the time the first bomb was dropped to when I agreed to give BF another chance was just under six months--and that includes the month I took to make my decision. Had I followed the rob/Puppy/Coach/gucci plan from the beginning I'm sure it would only have been 3-4 months total.
I know everyone has to come to things in their own time, it's just so frustrating to watch from the other side.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
My H and I are currently living in the same home, sharing the same bed (no sex) while he is trying to figure out if he can love me the way I need to be loved and the way he wants to love a wife (his words, not mine). There is an OW, although it is my understanding from H that he has cut off communication with her, not in order to recommit to our relationship but to be "fair" to all involved while he is making his decision.
He's still involved with her. Rob is right. You should follow his advice. Your husband doesn't know if he can love you? WTH is that? Flip the script? Tell him you don't know if you can love him the way a wife can. Wow! He's "cutting off ties" with her to "fair" to both of you? Um, you are his WIFE, not some sidepiece! How incredibly diplomatic of him. While he decides, she's sending him naked pics of herself masturbating? Nice. Is she still trying to decide what he wants? Whaat you did hasn't worked, right? So try something different-- Let him go! Detach!
Here's one for you. This man describes what his wife did that stopped his affair and turned him towards his wife again.
Originally Posted By: TulsaTime
I was the cheater in my marriage by the way. I was full into an affair and "in love". . . .
After some initial pursuing, she stopped. She even handed me the cleaning supplies I needed so I could move into one of our rentals. She agreed that this OW was probably my soulmate and dropped the rope. Reality was beginning to set in.
. . .
Some things she did to get my feelings back for her - First, she dropped the rope. I wasn't as important as I thought I was. This was a blow to my ego and surprised me.
. . .
She went out and got some things done. New hairstyle, straightened her hair. New (sexy but classy) wardrobe, shoes, nails done, make up, etc. She was hot, confident and she showed it by her actions and attitude.
She started getting made up and going out on her own. Not recommending it, but going dancing, clubbing, some drinking. More wild. She took control of herself and the situation.
