Well, where do I begin, I think I will give a little history first. I was married in 1988 and now its going on 23 years, 25 if you count dating. We have five daughters and my wife is a stay at home mom, who homeschools my children. So I became the bread winner for the last 17 years. I worked my fingers to the bone so at least one parent could stay home with the kids. My wife is very educated and has seen my oldest daughter go to college at 16 and will graduate in May/11. During this period of time we became mundane, hum drum, working ,kids hardly any time for us,we had children every two years so we always had a toddler. In 1998 I began top do construction on an old friends house "she was an old girlfriend and my wife knew about it". Well then one thing led to another and I had the A, it was short lived mainly because I was not in love with her. My wife and I were not even fighting at the time of the affair, but just like DR states working around someone who is kind and complimentory towards you, anyway I screwed up.
However I was going to take this to my grave and tried to be a better father and H. Fast foward to the year 2000 and I had to come clean about the A that I had 7years prior. Alot of crying and begging her not to leave me, I moved out for a month and convinved to let me back home and we could work on our M. I did counseling and started to take meds.
For the next five years my wife did not wear a wedding ring or tell me that she loved me, however we seemed to be happy, never dull in the bedroom, vacations etc. She did tell me that my punishment for the affair was not to wear the ring or say those words. From time to time she would bring up the affair and argue about it. During the first part of the year she became upset and told me the she hated that she could not muster the words when we were intamit.
Ok so fast forward to May, It is her 50th birthday, I have been suspect in her behavoir towards hitting this mark. Something did not seem right but I just passed it off. On a side note my wife does this vending thing at Mid Evil Festivals. Anyway one day she came to me and said I have got to get out of here for a while the kids are driving me crazy. That in of itself was strange to me. She left and for 6 hours she was MIA. She did not answer her phone, we are a family that talks and texts daily. When I finally got in touch with her she told me that she left the phone in the car. Well my first reaction was that she had an accident, but I left it at leaving it in the car. The very next day she did the same thing and was MIA for 4 hours, although I do know that she saw her sister at the mall.
Ok here is the deal, I got up the next morning and asked her was she seeing someone, she stated no. We did not talk for a couple of days, then on May 5 she dropped the D out of nowhere. Of course I wanted to know why and she stated the affair and that I get to angry and yell and scream and push her buttons. I asked her why she had already told me five years ago that she forgave me, because she let me back into her bed. I do need to change I do not fight fair, I am moody, I have a stressfull job and have to work all the time to support my family. Anyway for the next two months we argued everyday in front of the children. On July 21 ,I told her I was moving out for a while, she stated that our marriage would not survive if I stayed. She also had back off the D and used separation as a tactic. So I left. A couple of weeks passed by and I stopped by to fix a laptop. During the time I was in the house I needed to make a quick call, we don't have a house phone so I asked mjy wife to let me use hers. She grabbed it and said no.
Well right away my antenna went up. I drove straight to my office and pulled up my account and saw that for the last two months she was having an EA with OM. I confronted her and she denied until she fessed up. There was alot of yelling and crying and begging and everything that is in DR. She stated that she met him at one of those Mid Evil festivals that I talked about and they had alot in common, according to her he made a pass at her and she told him she was married, but she stated that she had something going on inside of her that didn't feel right. So I found out that after I asked her if she was having an affair she started to text OM. Many call all through the night and during the day. She told me that he was out of town and would not be back until November. She stated that she did call him and tell him did not know what was going to happen in our M and that they should cool it. So I figured I had until November to figure this out. Well no dice, hes back and has been at several of those festivals with her. I moved back into the house about a week ago and we fought like cats and dogs. I was told yesterday that she was going to explore dating him as she has feelings for him and she needs space. She told me that all of her emotions from my affair and other stuff came out of her and she is angry as hell at me. So I moved into a hotel last night. She called me yesterday after the fight and told me its over for good. I sent an email and she told me to leave her alone for a while. Its hard because of the kids and money. If we love our house because I can't pay two mortgages and expenses, it will affect our credit and we need student loans for our three remaining children. Also with the market like it is we can't sell the house even for what we owe right now. So is she really going to loose all to get away from me, I need help and advice. I think I should go dark or do the 180, help! help!
If you want to continue a relationship with your kids move home tonight. I wish someone would have told me I had a choice. Make her get a court order to get you out of your house or tell her she can leave. This will give you way more power if it goes to a divorce and save you much heartache. I'm sorry I can't offer any advice on how to save your marriage but I have a good ideal of what not to do when the big D is coming up.
M40, W 37 M 11 1/2 y T 13 y D filed 5-18-10 S 5-29-10 OM1 discovered 6-5-10 Counter sued for d 6-16-10 OM2 discovered 8-10-10 OM3, OM4 4 kids 10, 7, & 3 D date 10-14-10 http://tiny.cc/mxzct
Move back into the home and establish boundaries. Agree with her that things haven't been right for awhile and drop the subject. She's going to try and get under your skin and start blaming you for how terrible her life turned out.
What do you know about this guy? Personally I would confront this loser, maybe challenge him to a joust. But that's just me.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Thanks for all the responses. I did read Divorce Remedy twice. I am an idiot, I am going to leave her alone because last night she spent the night the OM. Boy that pain hurts. Anyway not talking to her about R is I think the best advice I can get right now. If this continues and she does not come around, we will lose everything and I mean everything. I love my kids but because of all the fighting we have done in front of them, several of them are not happy with me right now. When the W and I are together we argue. Is it not better to live apart and not argue in front of the children. I mean I can't help myself sometimes. Plus how would I feel when I see her getting dolled up for a date with the OM. Anyway ant advice is wlecome at this point. Thanks bunch
Thanks for all the responses. I did read Divorce Remedy twice. I am an idiot, I am going to leave her alone because last night she spent the night the OM. Boy that pain hurts. Anyway not talking to her about R is I think the best advice I can get right now. If this continues and she does not come around, we will lose everything and I mean everything. I love my kids but because of all the fighting we have done in front of them, several of them are not happy with me right now. When the W and I are together we argue. Is it not better to live apart and not argue in front of the children. I mean I can't help myself sometimes. Plus how would I feel when I see her getting dolled up for a date with the OM. Anyway ant advice is wlecome at this point. Thanks bunch
"Wife, I understand I hurt you and you are angry at me for my bad behavior in the past. Right now I will not live in a open marriage. If you do not cut off all contact immediately then I will pack your bags, you will leave and I will file for a D."
If she goes out then you have all her stuff in the garage. No drama just time for her to start respecting you and your family.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Is it not better to live apart and not argue in front of the children.
It might be but when YOU moved out of the house YOU abandoned your family. This can be used against you in court. Move back into the house ASAP. Before you can't do it.
