I was divorced about 9 years ago by my ex. He got remarried about 3 years ago (and new wife is in the process of divorcing him). After my divorce, until he met the new wife, I didn't date anyone else and we did stuff as a family with our 2 kids (now 12 and 13). That relationship is dead and gone. I tried DivorceBusting to no avail.
What I'm working for now is a better relationship with a guy I met after my ex-husband met his new wife. It was weird. He was the second person I dated (met online), the first one dumped me after a few weeks and I didn't blame him as I was such an emotional mess. The new guy was totally different. He let me cry on his shoulder about my ex-husband, whom I talked about constantly. He took me on the best dates, was cheerful and helped me to forget my problems momentarily, and over time helped me to heal. We ended up being "Friends with Benefits" although I wasn't looking for a sexual relationship. He really did seem to be my "best friend" and was quite a comfort to me. He told me from the beginning that he eventually wanted to marry and have kids, but I wasn't what he was looking for long term. He also told me he was mostly looking for friends, since I told him I was too old for him when we were still talking online. I know I gave in to his sexual advances too easily, but I was so starved for attention and affection.
He was so kind and open and honest and the only bad thing about the relationship was knowing he would dump me as soon as someone better came along. He was over 35, had very few relationships with women,always dumping them when they got serious--the longest was 4 months, and NONE of them was someone he'd consider marrying. (He wanted never married, no kids, 25 years old or so).
I was horrified when I got pregnant (using birth control and I was over 40!) 3 months after meeting him. He wanted me to have an abortion, and I refused and we pretty much continued our friendship till I was 4 1/2 months pregnant and I asked for a commitment of some sort--I wanted to know he'd be there for me and the baby. He had been up and down, one day feeling excited and making plans and the next day he'd tell me he would support her financially, but he didn't know if he'd be involved in her life. I didn't see this man and spoke little to him till the night I had the baby. He dropped me like a hot potato and made my pregnancy even more unpleasant.
He's a very involved Dad, but we have an awkward relationship. Neither of us is seeing anyone else as far as I know, and even if we don't have a romantic relationship, I SO miss the closeness and the smiles.
I would consider marrying this man at some point if he was willing. I strongly am against bringing any other man into my children's lives. But I get so lonely, not only for affection, but even more so for just male companionship. I can't put into words how much I miss the warmth of the relationship as it was those first 7 1/2 months.
He's in my life, but I feel like he doesn't to be in it. I lasted longer than any other woman, but if I hadn't gotten pregnant and if I hadn't brought up "commitment"--who knows, we might still be together. About a year ago he put walls up (I have read Steven CArter's "Men who Can't Love" and I think he's very much a commitment-phobe) and put distance between us. He stopped sharing with me about his friends, his family, his work and he would get very upset if I made any inquiries.
I have told him I'm not happy with the relationship as it is and love him as a brother and want us to feel comfortable with each other. I asked him to have coffee with just me and him so we could talk without the baby around and just rebuild a rapport with each other,and he said he didn't feel comfortable being with me without the baby.
Last week, we met for lunch and the baby was asleep, so we had some time we sat and talked. Well, I talked. He didn't say much, but did seem pretty comfortable and had better than usual eye contact. Didn't mention the relationship or any touchy subjects.
I have NEVER really pursued him. I am wondering if that was a mistake. When he first dumped me, I let him know it wasn't what I wanted, but I pretty much left him alone--checking in every week or two, updating him on the pregnancy, etc. I always wanted to be friends even if we weren't going to have any romantic or sexual relationship. I have brought this up a few times, but I have never pushed hard. I am not sure if a 180 of this behavior is appropriate.
I really do love this man and I miss him being such good company. I know that we're family now, through the child. He does NOT want me getting involved with another man, for the same reasons I don't want to, but he doesn't want me himself.
I see him about 4 or 5 times a week, sometimes for as much as 3 hours with the child (she's almost 2).
This is a bit of an unusual situation and I really need guidance. Not sure if this is where to find it, but didn't know any other place to look.
This would be a totally different situation if there was not a child involved. I know if it weren't for the baby, I'd have a partner in my life. I could easily find someone else. I'm really not very unattractive and I think most people find me to have a decent personality. I just haven't made myself available other than for a few months between my ex-husband's engagement,and becoming monogamous with my baby's father (at his request)a few weeks after meeting him. I have met other guys online, and I freak out when they want to meet.I had a coffee date with a single dad at my daughter's school,and although he was great, I kept feeling that I didn't need to be with any other man besides my child's father.
I can understand where you are coming from. there is a certain feeling of going against what you believe and what is going on in your life. example: not really dating anyone else, just wanting the father of your child.
i to also experience no affection, no closeness to a man. I miss it from time to time but not as much as i thought i wuold. i have my 2 beautiful young babies of 3 and 8 months. in my honest opinion i do not believe there is going to be a man who is going to be good enough from me let alone my children.
from what you have said you are dating(single dad and online) possibley it is just not the right time or pace you are comfortable with.
tell us:
what makes you love this man? Can you give 3 solid reasons? what do you miss about him?
2x4: it does not matter what he wants you to do, thus the getting involved with another man. you have to live your life for you and your child and if the baby daddy wants to come along awesome, if not you will be happy and so will your daughter.
Me 39 H 30 d 18 previous marriage d 2.5 with H s 4.5months with H Seperation Nov09 july i'm dim to dark - set internal deadline
Oh,I'm not dating. I quit all online stuff almost a year ago--just a few weeks after starting. And I don't consider the time I spend with the baby's dad as "dating". I just hang out with him some with the baby. He usually tries to get her to eat something, and if he is hungry and buys something for himself, he'll get me something,too. She has started spending Friday nights with him most of the time. So,sometimes I just drop her off with him.
Yeah, the timing is not right for dating. I can see myself moving on when my daughter is older. My other kids were 9 and 10 when I started going out, but I never,ever brought men to my house. I can see myself dating again, but not for several more years. I don't want to wait so long, but I think that's the best thing to do. I'll be 45 in May and I don't relish the thought of entering the dating field in my 50's,and being single and celibate till then.
I love this man, but don't feel "in love" with him. I get the impression that he doesn't like me and although,as a Christian,I can love (verb) him in spite of his feelings for me, I don't "like" him sometimes. I want us to like each other.
He seems like a totally different person now, but what I DID love about him was his cheerful attitude, his smile,the way he would light up and tell me I looked pretty every time he'd see me, the way he would hold my hand at the movie or snuggle with me to watch TV or give me a long, slow kiss for no reason(even when he knew there would be no sex--one thing that irked me about my ex-H is that he wouldn't kiss me or touch me unless he wanted to have sex), how he thought I was pretty in spite of my extra pounds, the way I felt he listened to me and the way he would open up and share his deepest thoughts with me--that was HUGE and what I miss a LOT. There is no depth to our conversation now. I loved the way he would listen quietly,without making judgments when I was upset. Basically,I loved the way I felt when I was with him. I felt happy and he did,too. He told me he "cared" for me,"a lot" a short time after we met and we'd spend several hours together a couple times a week and in between he would often call me to talk on the phone. I felt valuable to him.
All these things are gone. There is no warmth, affection, smiles, deep conversation, and even solid eye contact is hard to come by.
I married my first boyfriend (from the time I was 15 till he remarried when I was 41, he was the only man I wanted) and have not much dating experience to speak of. My marriage was long and troubled, but I never would have given it up on my own. I still feel a bond with my ex. I think he knows I love him unconditionally. This new man is so different from my ex in so many ways.
I still want to improve my relationship with my baby's father. I will be re-reading "Divorce Busting" today. I may simply be wasting my time on him, but maybe it will be good practice for my next relationship.
JStar-I hope you work things out with your ex if it is possible. Life is so much more complicated for us mothers. I think while the children are very young and all consuming, it helps with the loneliness,but it still hits me when I'm in bed, in the car, doing housework,etc. Baby's dad says he is too busy to be lonely and I need to be busier. Ha. First of all, I think he's lying. I think he has always been extremely busy and when I met him,he was quite lonely. I think he is kind of in the same boat as me-not wanting to introduce a new family into his daughter's life and also it is hard for him to tell me to not date if he is.
Overall, I feel blessed, I don't mope around feeling sorry for myself all the time. I am focusing on getting my kids raised,losing my extra weight, keeping house better.
I am trying to remember that God is in control,he is working things out for me,IN HIS TIME.
