It hit me in the car. I realized that when i first came to this site, I was devastated because my H was done. I wanted it to work.
But what do you do when you realize it was the idea of them? Their former self? The one who you fell for? The one who would never have hurt you like this? Do the things they are doing? What do you do when you have to ask.... Could I ever REALLY forgive?
We are no where near an R. I'm honest about that. But now I realize... Even if he were to come to me tomorrow and say he wanted me back.... I don't think i could, or would. Not after the pain. Had he come to me months ago, maybe. But not with how he has acted and who he has become. I don't LIKE this person. I don't love this person. I DON'T want it to work anymore.
What do I do with this? Is this part of the process? It feels so foreign to me. I spent so much time mourning the loss of my marriage it feels weird to be here. I wasn't mourning the loss of HIM. What am I really fighting for?
Me 30 H 29 DC 9, 7, 2 M 4 years, T 6 years ILYBINILWY Bomb: 8/8/10 He doesn't want to work, I'm slowly getting there too Physically separating end of September
Is this part of the process? It feels so foreign to me.
Yes and it is unsettling. It's because you are starting to recognise the hurt you have been dealt. It's OK to feel that way. Just don't get stuck in a negative place or let it turn you bitter and angry beyond what is healthy.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Been there done that and still don't have any answers. Since we are both there maybe it is part of it, if not it's still a wild roller coaster ride.
M40, W 37 M 11 1/2 y T 13 y D filed 5-18-10 S 5-29-10 OM1 discovered 6-5-10 Counter sued for d 6-16-10 OM2 discovered 8-10-10 OM3, OM4 4 kids 10, 7, & 3 D date 10-14-10 http://tiny.cc/mxzct
It isn't something that anyone here can answer for you.
It took me months before I got to this place and I was stunned when I woke up one day feeling this exact way, however deep down, I think I knew my H would never do the work to repair the damage that had been done.
He would never be that person I knew ever again, however on this journey I have realized I will never be that woman again and I am extremely happy with that realization.
19 months later and he is still waffling on everything and still tells me he loves me yet lives with the OW.
He has done nothing to move forward and is content to continue to live like this for who knows how long...
I realize as each day passes, I grow a little more stronger, a little more worthwhile and a little more forgiving towards him and her.
Doesn't mean I want him back though, because quite frankly, I will never be that woman again and I am just fine without him.
I wish them well and I hope he is happy with the choices he has made...
I will never allow a man to rule over me again, to control me nor place my happiness in his hands...
Those are the gifts I got back in this journey and I refuse to give them up again.
((((Hugs))))
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
Is this part of the process? It feels so foreign to me.
Just don't get stuck in a negative place or let it turn you bitter and angry beyond what is healthy.
How? How do I do that? All I can think of is how I want him gone and out of my life as much as possible. I don't want to be his friend. I don't want to see him leave every night and remind me of the pain over and over. I just want to wake up a year from now and have it be over. How do i get there? How can I escape? I focus on myself as much as I can but it's a slap in the face every few days. I just want it to be over.
Me 30 H 29 DC 9, 7, 2 M 4 years, T 6 years ILYBINILWY Bomb: 8/8/10 He doesn't want to work, I'm slowly getting there too Physically separating end of September
I have felt the same way as you describe, but then a couple days later I feel differently. It is definitely a roller coaster of emotions so hang in there. You might feel differently tomorrow, a week from now, month from now, etc..
It is probably especially hard for you because you are still living together and having that constant reminder of rejection in your face. If my H was still living with me I know I would have a much harder time moving on. It might get easier once you separate and have some time apart to clear your head.
M-34, H-37, No Kids Married 4yr, Together 6yr Discovered EA 7/24/10 Separated 8/6/10 Filed 8/16/10 H Moved home and Piecing 9/20/10 H returns to OW 12/10 EA was really PA I file 12/29/10 I move out 12/30/10
I think part of my issue is he is so entrenched in this new lifestyle, and has no regard to the pain he's causing me and our family. If he showed remorse at all maybe I could forgive. But it keeps going. On and on. He is someone I don't know. And what stinks is I KNOW one day he will regret it all and be remorseful. But I wanted that now, in one swoop of emotion. There are pieces. He comes back in bits. But I turn around and there he is, still doing the negative behavior, and I am reminded all over again. I don't know how to handle it. When we are fine everything is good. But i feel like maybe I'm expecting too much too soon. But I don't know that I'm willing to wait anymore. How patent can I be? Yes It has only been a month since he dropped the bomb, but it's been 4-5 months since he started the pain. I've been in agonizing pain for months. I can't do it anymore. But I don't know that I'll feel better when he is gone either. I just don't know anything.
Me 30 H 29 DC 9, 7, 2 M 4 years, T 6 years ILYBINILWY Bomb: 8/8/10 He doesn't want to work, I'm slowly getting there too Physically separating end of September
How? How do I do that? All I can think of is how I want him gone and out of my life as much as possible. I don't want to be his friend. I don't want to see him leave every night and remind me of the pain over and over. I just want to wake up a year from now and have it be over. How do i get there? How can I escape? I focus on myself as much as I can but it's a slap in the face every few days. I just want it to be over.
I've found myself feeling this same way since last weekend. Esp the "want them out of your life (W in my case). It took several days before I realized what I was feeling since it was so different from last week. I'm thinking it is acceptance of the sitch and the future, it may have alot to do with GAL as well.
One thing I am sure of, there is a day coming that I won't feel it for some reason and will revert back. That is how it's been so far so I am prepared for it.
Hope- I am so sorry you find yourself here. I have been exactly where you are. There are times I look back and wonder how I survived. But when I really think about it, I find my answer. God. I don't know what your beliefs are but for me, I handed my burdens to Him.
I think of this past year and a half as a roller coaster; one I would have rather avoided. I remember the pain was unbearable. That's when I turned to the boards and to my beliefs.
There is no real understanding of your H's behavior. Mine was the same. One minute he would tell me how sorry he was, asking if I would ever take him back. The next minute he turned back into the alien I did not know, like or love.
I vividly remember the day he called to tell me he was leaving. I lost it. I knew it was coming, in fact I told him if he could not stop contact with OW then he needed to move out. Even with that said it hit me like a ton of bricks when it actually happened. I thought I was prepared for it but I wasn't. My point is not to scare you but to tell you it's now a year later and H moving out was the best thing for both of us.
You will get thru this. It may not seem like it today, tomorrow, or the next day but you will. And in the end you will be a much stronger woman. I know I am and I'm d@mn proud of myself.
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
Do you know what scares me though? That he's just using 'splitting' as an excuse to go out and do whatever he wants for a while, so that when he's bored with that he can come back. That is the thought that is sticking with me. That this is his chance to be selfish without hearing about it from me, with the intentions of trying to 'fix' it when he's done. And I think that even if that isn't his intention, if he ever DID come back I would think that and resent him even more.
How do you forgive the hurt when they have NO remorse during the process? He has absolutely no issue about hurting me at all. Why would I think he would be sorry in the future? Other than just being done with THAT life and lonely and bored.
I don't know if I'm making sense, but though i don't know the person he is now, I do think in the future he will regret this and try to come back, when he comes back to the person he truly os Maybe it's wishful thinking but i don't know. I really do think he will regret it one day. The spiteful part of me hopes he does so I can reject him, as i have been rejected for so long. But is that really what I want? If he is the old guy I married I DO want to be with him. But I do not know if I can forgive the alien he is now.
Granted this may never actually be an issue. But just the other day, I said something that really made him laugh. The next morning he was telling me about how he told his friend the same story. And she said 'i can see why you two got married, that is something you would find hysterical! You two have the same sense of humor'.
1. Why did he tell me that? To me it is a little piece of him coming back. It's a positive about 'us' which he not only mentioned, but someone else noticed. He hasn't mentioned anything positive about 'us' in a long long time.
2. What in the world was the purpose of telling me that? To hurt me? For zero reason, just a story? He brought it up completely, it wasn't an added piece to an ongoing conversation or anything. Why why why? This is the stuff that confuses me greatly. Am I reading too much into it? I don't know.
Me 30 H 29 DC 9, 7, 2 M 4 years, T 6 years ILYBINILWY Bomb: 8/8/10 He doesn't want to work, I'm slowly getting there too Physically separating end of September
