No one wants to spy on their spouse. But wouldn't you rather be forewarned about what was really going on? Sure, in a healthy relationship, spying would be a horrible display of distrust. But you are where you are.
And OF COURSE "she claims no affair." There's a rule here, ALL CHEATERS LIE...
Now she may not be cheating. I don't believe my W is, though it would really fit a lot of the circumstantial evidence. But there's no hard proof. Your wife may just be unhappy with you, and want to leave before she does cheat.
I have to say, I do respect your Morals by not wanting to spy. But it will change the situation, depending what and if you uncover anything.
Coach and Pinhead - do we always want to take this approach in this sitch?? If the W has already WA, is it pointless because it is not considered intrusive..because they "left you".
When my WAW left, I felt there was more to it (plus I had a hunch due to a brief email I saw from OM..made me suspicious). I installed a remote keylogger which also sent me screenshot reports. I confronted her on it a few times and she denied it (get ready for that). I was told it was none of my business because she left me, so its "ok" to do what she wants now.
I gave in and finally threw it in her face, I admitted to how I found out (my morals caved in). I told her how to remove the software and told her I would stop. I had seen enough. I think it just pushed her even further away, less trust in me. She said I invaded her privacy and now she is afraid to do anyhting without wondering if I am spying.
I don't mean to hiijack this thread - just wondering if there is a right time and a wrong time when it comes to internet reconaissence missions.
I gave in and finally threw it in her face, I admitted to how I found out
First rule of gathering intel never reveal your source.
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I was told it was none of my business because she left me, so its "ok" to do what she wants now.
You bought that? Your wife having an affair is none of your business? If you are OK living in a open marriage then sure don't worry about how she behaves.
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She said I invaded her privacy and now she is afraid to do anyhting without wondering if I am spying.
She should be afraid. Do you want to save your marriage?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
are they cheating if they have already left the house and told you they are done?
are you still married?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
The appropriate phrase is "All's fair in Love and War." If you don't want to fight for your marriage, then hire the toughest lawyer you can, and move on.
aside from the Legal documents, yes, we are separated now.
Her point then - she gave me her reason of being "done". She was moving out, it was over between us. She moved out - then I discovered what was going on (I don't know if.. or.. and how long while she was still under the same roof with me - all my computer discoveries were after she left).
She feels it was all legit - because she called "separation!" first, before I called her on the discovery about the OM.
Yes, I knew I blew it by divulging my methods of finding out. Her lying was killing me, so were my morals.
But this is WF's thread..and this sitch is in my past now.
Lesson's learned - I don't think she is with that guy anymore..anyhow.
Ok, so i realized my phone statements were available online and was very disappointed to find what i did. Starting three days before our anniversary (first big fight) she started calling him. While I was away for training they talked for hours a day. When i returned it was minimized to a few minutes a day, then after she moved out it picked up a lot.
What is the best way to approach this now that I know it was a guy, not sure if ea, pa or both, but its a few months old and I dont know the guy, its an old college friend.
Me 25 W 28 M 5yr S 18MO Big Argument 6/13 (Anniversary) Left for Military Training 6/14 Return 7/12 Seperated 8/1 D Bomb 8/7 EA Discovered 9/7 EA Busted 9/8
jumping in here - from a woman's perspective. i did the whole spying thing on my husband - he started to smoke cigarettes (and i worried it was when our twins were with him - a HUGE no no for me), he started to not call the twins to say good night after he left the house - he started buying new clothes - that kind of stuff that got me thinking...so i looked in his car, on his phone, on his phone bill - and would have on his computer if he hadn't had it password protected because it's a work computer. Similar to your situation, i found what i believe now to be an EA - phone calls to someone he "kind of sort of" worked with "who was going through a similar situation" with her H - incidentally, the two of them are now split up - hmmmm... I do believe him when he says that it never went further - he's really not that type of guy- but I also NEVER would have assumed that he'd be the type of guy who would leave his wife and 4 year old twins and not want to make his marriage work. I question whether if i HADN'T been snooping and found the phone records whether or not their EA would have shifted to a PA - I'll never know. But, what i realize NOW (after having found DR book is that the snooping had to stop if i wanted my marriage to work. so, after i really, truly, got to my place of peace, i found the inner strength to stop it completely and focus on me, our twins, being healthy (mentally and physically), and having him see what he's walking away from. Oh yeah, a whole lot of praying and hoping too... So, i say no to the snooping if you want your marriage to work.
One little section of the DR book which i found so intuitive was about how THEY know when they've done something wrong - us nagging to them about it (whatever it may be) just pushes them further away. So, your W seeing the you that she fell in love with will speak volumes - more than you could say by trying to catch her doing something wrong. Her own conscience will help her prove to herself how disappointed she is in her own actions.
Quick case in point - my birthday was in July - H moved out May 1. When he called at some point during the day, he wished me a happy birthday - i had the twins (as I typically do). No card, no gift...not even a homemade card or craft from the twins. So, what did i do??? NOTHING. I didn't mention it to him at all. NOT A WORD. Did it kill me...sure. But, i am absolutely positive that my not mentioning anything to him about just how much he let me down that day (it broke my heart that he couldn't at a minimum sit the twins down to make mommy a card for her birthday) killed him inside. I think that he probably beat himself up more than I could possibly have. So, now with his birthday coming up in three weeks, i need to figure out what I'm going to do. Do i get a gift from the twins? Do i just have them make him some silly craft?? Looking for ideas. Thanks and good luck!
together 17 years married 11 years 4 year old twins he moved out May 2010
I had the same situations arise, my B-Day and hers, Mother's Day and Father's Day.
I put a lot of effort into her gift, craft from the kids, flowers and made her Breakfast and brought it over to her Parents (where she was staying). I did this even though all I got was a Mug for my B-day, nohting from the kids etc (looked like something bought on clearance from St. Patty's day) Anyways,altough it was apreciated - there was no effort...no care. I felt she wanted me to see that. I didn't care and still wanted to show her that I cared and loved her and put on the show for Mother's Day. I wanted my kids to see how much I still cared about Mommy. Did it pay off in any way? ...no way.
Those were my pursuing days - when all my focus was on her, my emotions for her controlled me. Looking for reactions from my efforts was all I ever did.
When her B-Day rolled around last month - I got a simple card and had the kids sign it. That was it. I had no expectations, and it was much easier than before. Sure, it felt a little strange and I wanted to do more - because I obviously do still love her. But things are DIFFERENT now, and acceptance of that is important in moving forward and GAL. Otherwise, things for her will change and things for me will not.
Do we want to be miserable forever? Our WAS sure won't.
