Here's a story...of a very sad lady

[Oxymoron]

I feel for you about wanting to reach out to him Dagny. It's so hard when something bad happens and that instant support is no longer there. I have been trying to find it elsewhere in my life, but it just isn't the same, and I tell myself that it will just have to do. I'm hoping in time that it will become easier and find courage in posts like yours, that it is hard but maintaining your dignity and finding inner strength is the best option.

[Dagny-2]

Isn't it funny how it is the small things that set us back, sometimes just hearing someone talk about their H on tv or reading an article and they talk about their H and I think, I don't have one anymore. It is still a bit surreal.

The boys and I drove the 12 hours to our old haunting grounds. We went by our vacation destination for Memorial Day and then took the same drive to our old home.....hard to think that my world is so dramatically different in the space of a summer. I spent a good part of the drive crying, but when I got here if felt good, S11 called it "comfortable." We have a tiny little apartment here, but it felt good to be back, the boys were quickly with their friends. And I've had friends stop over and run into on my walks and there is so much support, instead of sitting home alone in the house in TN.

H never called to see if we made it, thought that was very sad, but his sad, I'm sure he was busy on other pursuits. He finally called this evening, sounded very grumpy, but not my job to cheer him up anymore, he made that decision. Much easier to detach when the distance is between us and I"m on my home turf. And the kids seem a bit more at ease here. Other than their dad, our lives our here. We were willing to make a go of it at the new place, though. It could have been good. I think I'm finally detaching. It feels good. Still need to GAL though, but I did get the three couch to 5k runs in that I needed to stay on track.

Dagny

[KellBell0820]

Dagny, I'm glad you made it alright!

I guess I'm detaching, that's what I'm trying for anyway. In a way I'm sad, but I also feel more at ease. It seems like now I can really see what has been happening, particularly with myself, but in the dynamics of my R with H too; and how to fix it.

Couch to 5k, awesome. I want to start it (I guess now would be perfect) because cardio seriously kicks my butt.

[Dagny-2]

KellBell, start the 5k, in the fun forum I post what the challenge is for each week, so since you are logged on you can easily go find it. And yes, detaching makes it easier, but it sure isn't a cake walk, though.

Venting: H had a convulted plan for today, but the plan was to meet at the airport, his parents would bring him and I would bring the kids. So get there and his parents couldn't stick around to see the kids because they thought it might be too "uncomfortable". So what part of having my H of 22 years leave me for his mistress makes it uncomfortable to be around me??? And wouldn't you think that since I have been their DIL for this long they would have called to see how I was, since I am all alone trying to raise their grandchildren? I don't get it, doesn't anyone stand up and say to H, what you are doing is wrong? And even though you screwed up, we still want a relationship with our DIL? Good Lord, I am spitting nails and I am very tempted to call them and tell them how dissapointed I am in them, because at this point, I don't have anything to lose. And I also had a revelation last night, since this marriage thing isn't working out so well, I've decided I'm going to switch teams when it is all done.

Dagny

[Faith2010]

So get there and his parents couldn't stick around to see the kids because they thought it might be too "uncomfortable". So what part of having my H of 22 years leave me for his mistress makes it uncomfortable to be around me??? And wouldn't you think that since I have been their DIL for this long they would have called to see how I was, since I am all alone trying to raise their grandchildren? I don't get it, doesn't anyone stand up and say to H, what you are doing is wrong? And even though you screwed up, we still want a relationship with our DIL?

Just remember...you have no idea what he told his parents. He probably concocted some story to make him look like a shining star and you the bad guy. And for all you know, he told them to leave before you got there. Maybe he didn't want you telling them what was really going on. I know it sucks but they are his parents...and always will be. They won't ever give up on him no matter how bad he screws up.

And I also had a revelation last night, since this marriage thing isn't working out so well, I've decided I'm going to switch teams when it is all done.

Please give me forewarning before you break the news to Mom and Dad.

[mishka422]

And I also had a revelation last night, since this marriage thing isn't working out so well, I've decided I'm going to switch teams when it is all done.

LOL. I had a good laugh over this one. It's not a horrible idea, but trust me....women are much tougher to deal with than men. Hormones are a serious problem! LOL

Ok, seriously now.....I understand it's shocking that your IL's would avoid you but blood is thicker than water. They most likely feel like they must stand by their son because he's their flesh and blood. They may not agree with his choices but they really have no ability to cut him off either. You, on the other hand, are in their hearts as are their grandchildren so it makes it uncomfortable for them to be open to you given the situation.

I hate to say it but it's going to be up to the kids to maintain their R with their grandparents. You can be friendly with them but don't expect them to be open with you about their feelings. You'll have to relegate them to aquaintance status now or you will be hurt further by their seeming indifference.

If you were so comfortable being back north why stay where you are? Can't you just move back now? Proximity to your H is not necessarily a good thing given the distance up his butt his head is lodged.

[Dagny-2]

Hey Ash, I think at this point nothing would surprise M&D. And you are right, who knows what H told them. So will you call them and tell them the truth?

Mishka, I could easily stay up here. I realized when I got here, I don't miss the nice house or nice neighborhood, I'll take my comfortable old place any time. I'm staying there for the kids, S13 is very happy with his soccer program and he also doesn't want to move back here too quickly as Southern schools started 4 weeks before Northern schools, he doesn't want the extra schooling. I also need to find out if there are any legal ramifications to me just taking the kids and moving back. I'll work on answering that question this week. I also see my IC of past this week and will talk to her about if the kids need to stay near their dad and for how long. I am afraid of having too many changes made in their life that they can't process. But they had a great time here this weekend. I am going to still stick to the Christmas break plan when I re-evaluate everything, but I'm sure working on knowing the ramifications of every action for which I have a to make a decision (now Puppy is having me rearrange sentences to avoid ending with a preposition, gosh even posting is getting complicated).

So, maybe I just won't plan to have a long term R with the other team, just use them for sex. I wonder how that works? I'm sure someone would be willing to show me the ropes.

[Faith2010]

Hey Ash, I think at this point nothing would surprise M&D. And you are right, who knows what H told them. So will you call them and tell them the truth?

You know you wouldn't have to ask twice...I'd also throw in a call to that H of yours for free!

So, maybe I just won't plan to have a long term R with the other team, just use them for sex. I wonder how that works? I'm sure someone would be willing to show me the ropes.

Dear Lord, I'm gonna pretend I didn't read that!

[KellBell0820]

So get there and his parents couldn't stick around to see the kids because they thought it might be too "uncomfortable". So what part of having my H of 22 years leave me for his mistress makes it uncomfortable to be around me??? And wouldn't you think that since I have been their DIL for this long they would have called to see how I was, since I am all alone trying to raise their grandchildren? I don't get it, doesn't anyone stand up and say to H, what you are doing is wrong? And even though you screwed up, we still want a relationship with our DIL?

Just remember...you have no idea what he told his parents. He probably concocted some story to make him look like a shining star and you the bad guy. And for all you know, he told them to leave before you got there. Maybe he didn't want you telling them what was really going on. I know it sucks but they are his parents...and always will be. They won't ever give up on him no matter how bad he screws up.

This is true. My MIL knows about OW, has known, but was covering for H to me. I want to be mad at her, I want to rage at her, "why the hell would you think this is a good idea! How can you be ok with this?" But I don't know what he told her. The same with his sister, this chick was one of my best friends, suddenly she won't answer phone calls, texts, she deleted me from her facebook, all of this before she supposedly knew about the D. I want to be mad at her too, but I have no clue what H said to her. I can't be mad at them when they're probably being just as decieved as I am.

I had a great laugh out of the switching teams comment!

[Dagny-2]

[quote=KellBell0820but I have no clue what H said to her. I can't be mad at them when they're probably being just as decieved as I am.quote]

Good point! Didn't think of it that way. Apparently I've been blind the last few months, so why should I expect them to see through him so quickly? And he is their son, they want to believe he isn't as awful as he really is. I expect that will be a dilemma my boys will someday face.

And H doesn't get it. I was helping friends move when he called last night, talked briefly and he said to tell the friends "hi". Doesn't he understand that he has hurt more than just me. The childrens' friends are asking their parents why someone just stops loving someone. The ripple effects are far reaching, and he doesn't see it.

What I hate most is all the conflicting emotions, I feel strong one moment, and so terribly sad the next, I hate him one moment and another I just want him/my life back. And I used to love roller coasters.

Dagny