I’ve been thinking about my sitch all day now. The hardest part is to decide whether to leave or have her leave. Logic tells me that the unhappy one should leave. It also hurts even more to think that I would have to give up everything in my life and leave it to someone who does not deserve it.
At the same time maybe leaving behind a vacuum would not be the worst thing.
Since my decision is due within a month and it falls on a date shortly after W returns from her vacation I have been thinking about writing a letter and bringing it with me when I go swapping the dogs in the middle of her vacation week. I won’t give it to her until I leave. She needs to read it alone and in peace.
The message in the letter needs to be straight forward. That I have come to a conclusion to leave because I don’t want this R any more either. I don’t need you to go on with my life. However I would want to have you along as I move on.
Any thoughts on this approach? Or is this too early. Mind you that I have not pushed any issue for many months now.
It is early, and I'm not a fan of using email/letters unless absolutely necessary. It's much better, and common courtesy to discuss this in person, or at least on the phone.
What should my great plan be for the separation decision? If I leave she would get yet another of her ways.
Maybe.. Maybe not.... The test for her will be when you suddenly act like YOU don't want HER anymore. When THAT happens is when SHE is going to find out she may have screwed up. At that point is when you do NOT let her have her way anymore. It is at THAT point where you turn this bottoms up.....
Your self confidence doesn't allow you to see that there is nothing wrong with you NOW. Your lack of confidence is coming through to her. (If I can see the lack of confidence, imagine how SHE must see, feel and observe it???)
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Will the "you don't like it, you leave" put a nail to the coffin?
I am not one of the people who will tell you to not leave. The ones who tell you that are just copying what they hear others say. The important thing isn't that you leave or you tell her to leave... THE MOST IMPORTANT thing is that ONE of you leave... The attitude should be.... "Ok I got the message.. I now get it.. YOU want me out. I agree. I don't want to live with a person who doesn't want to be with me. I don't know why I haven't seen that before. Ok. I think that I want YOU to leave. I want to stay here and I want this place. I would prefer that YOU go find a place."....
THEN... if they do NOT want to leave or will not leave..
Then YOU LEAVE.... It does NOT work for both to stay. It actually slowly erodes the chances. drip, drip, drip.. So, if she won't leave after you tell her what YOU want.. Then YOU LEAVE...
Do NOT live with a spouse who has told you they don't want you there. It does NOT work to stay. It does NOT gain you any respect EXCEPT if ONE OF YOU MOVE... It doesn't gain you anything by staying in the same house while they are having an affair or while they want you out. It ONLY makes them angry and more distant....
I hear you. My self confidence is definately lacking right now. And you're right - she sees that. My self confidence was #1 quality that she fell in love with when we first met.
I never thought that I could change so fundamentally.
Got home, W was sitting on the couch looked like she was waiting for me. Ignored her and started doing some paperwork. After a couple of hours got up and told her that I need something to eat and will be going out. She asked if she can join. I said yes.
In the restaurant she started with the small talk and soon we were discussing her work related issues. She was looking for some approval and assurances for the latest challenges that she was dealing with. I listened, offered some opinion and advice.
She got happier as the time went by. At the end she was back to "normal" - talking about herself and how she is going to tackle the new challenge the next day.
Later I checked her phone to keep track of what's happening with all of her drinking buddies. They have been contacting her a lot but she keeps either ignoring them or declining their invitations to go out. She has not gone out with them for almost 2 weeks now.
Still don't know what to make of it all, but I will keep doing what works and trying to gain back my self confidence.
It is really tough today. As I left home and said goodbye to my dogs, I just could not hold it together. Had to run out quickly without W noticing my tears.
It is not even her any more that I'm sad about. I am sad for the rest of my life and family. I had some very big plans for the house this summer. Couple of new windows, new garage doors and new roof. All of it is on hold indefinitely now. The laws needs mowing...
Last night I was somewhat optimistic thinking that maybe the deadline for my decision is not necessarily for her to hear that I am moving out, but rather civil discussion what has happened to our R. But it is wishful thinking.
There will be more days like today. At least it's not raining outside.
