Everything is going strong and well. F is on board we have agreed on so many levels our strategy and focus in our relationship.
Today is just hard for me because I am struggling with wondering thoughts and self-worth as to what all he did while we weren't together and if he is back with me just because this or that girl didn't want to be with him. Knowing his record I know that he probably dated and so forth. But the stronger voice in me is yelling to quiet those thoughts and recognize he is here for us and wants me and our blooms in life forever. He admitted that he was denying himself and his real feelings the whole time and was lying when he tried to think that he didn't love me. These are the things I must listen to.
Would be nice for a pat on the back and just a confirmation here on the Forum. Tomorrow is a new day though!
Thank you all!
Me:25 fiance :29 about to be 30 in Sept. together: 7.5 years situation: separated 2.5 months July 15th 2010 happily talking! July 22nd, committed and ready to begin fresh
So F has agreed to do what ever it takes, by agreeing to go to counseling together and find someone together. It feels so good to know I'm not having all of the weight on my shoulders to find and book an appointment.
Yesterday was a challenge because F was in an emotional rollercoaster and I had to be his support and stay strong. Still giving myself attention continuing my GAL (yoga, working out making RAW healthy dishes for myself to eat ect.)
Right now I am in a internal struggle but with a bright light to guide me. The voice working against me is hushing more and more as I try and stay positive.
A little venting needed on my post today. I urk at the thought that he dated some ________ (wish I didn't want to pile up the insults in that blank but it doesn't change her existence). I swear I find it pathetic on his part each time we have been on a "break" (2X) he excuses his lack of solitude by saying "I thought we were done forever there was no tuning back, I recognized my hurt and anger towards you so I was free from that". I asked if we could grab a beer at at bar we would go to and he become so hostel and went on a rant and rage towards the bar about how he doesn't like this or that about who and whom is at the bar, leaving such open interpretation to why the animosity. Our town is small so I conclude the gossip hub he complains about at that bar is of his stupidity in involving himself with random mistrustful new-b's. Here I am left with my pride. Did he go around parading that we weren't "together". I know I chose to not date people because of the truth to my heart and the focus I wanted for myself, its just a pride thing when it comes to this tidbit. It's hard to believe him when he tells me of his struggle of being alone and developing as an individual through this time when I know he didn't completely ,just as pattern shows I know he wasted his time and energy on some other b______ instead of listening to the self he lost as he is trying to say to me. UUUUUGHGHGHGH this is me venting sorry! I just have some feelings of not feeling special, that no one came to me and asked or treated me on a date, it's jealousy I feel for the fact he took some other _____ unworthy of his attention. All of this while he still would call me once a week spend time with my family ect. !!!!!
Ok now the positive and the real spectrum I should consider and embrace. Unconditional love means under no condition, no expectation and not stipulations to love. This is what I must fill my heart with. I want him back I want him to stay, I want to continue the engagement! I am worthy and have achieved so much for myself, I must not allow the growth I have worked for be shadowed my immature thoughts. He is here the universe was asked for the love I deserve to be warningly drawn to me , and now he stands here. All that I asked for is in my lap I must work, nurture and respect it in the total form it is. I love him he loves me and I must listen to his words when he says I have always been in his heart. I am not a fool, I have a beautiful soul and being, I have earned it and I am in love!
Me:25 fiance :29 about to be 30 in Sept. together: 7.5 years situation: separated 2.5 months July 15th 2010 happily talking! July 22nd, committed and ready to begin fresh
Think about boundaries. That will help you cope with his activities while you were on a break. And don't put too much into unconditional love. It's a great idea, but we're all human, and love is a two way street. Unrequited love sucks.
I found it helpful, & I think it is helpful for most of us in this position of feeling hostage to another person's actions or words. In your case, healthy detachment means your F does not have such power over you to upset you. It goes hand in hand with taking care of yourself, focusing on yourself. This is so important in surviving the "emotional rollercoaster" you describe. Believe me, we have all been there (or still are!)
You sound like a very kind, sensitive person, and you deserve to be treated well. You are handling your sitch very well, keep it up.
BTW, it's OK to vent on your thread! In fact much better to do it here than in RL, or taking it out on family, friends, even F! It's a safe space, so use it well.
Congrats on your F agreeing to go to counseling. That is a very good sign. Just keep focusing on yourself, and taking care of yourself. ((((hugs))))
Last edited by LookingFrAnswers; 07/28/1008:22 PM.
Thank you so much again! I am glad that you found my change of name.
The venting is much needed and I really feel more focused and self directed now that I have released it here vs. internalizing or shouting it out some how.
Ultimately I am happy and need to feed off of that happiness. I take kindly to your complements and hope you are doing well.
Key points that spoke to me :
Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering.
Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you.
To "let go" is to fear less and love myself more. know what the positive is in the future and to leave the doubts where they were in the past!
