Stilt: We all backslide, so join us in that club! Take a deep look at what in you drives your behavior. Yes, it's perfectly natural to want her back. But this can be your time to grow, if you are open to that possibility. Focus on yourself, for that's all you can control. Try reading some Buddhist material about control, or the lack thereof. At the end of the day, you cannot control her. We oh so don't like hearing that. I didn't like that either. But I eventually detached, and as everyone says it does make all the difference. I was in some of the same situations as you are now; several years down the road, I'm in a better place.
What can you learn about yourself from this crisis? If you do not see this as a learning opportunity for your own development as a person, you will have missed something beautiful. Painful, but beautiful. Look at home many LBS on these boards have said that the separation and/or divorce turned out to be a blessing. It can be that for you too, but you must make that choice. Trauma often leads to regression and a host of attempts to cover the pain. Or, it can be a catalyst for some of the most amazing insights into yourself and life that you will ever experience. The choice is yours. Keep us posted. We're here for you and pulling for you. Take care.
Thanks Bruce. Talked with a guy at work yesterday and that helped alot. I also told my wife that I need to move out sooner than later. I told her it was no good for me and that I would be sure to give her more than the 28% she will be getting when things are final so that she can get settled, but that I needed my own money in order to survive.
She said we should keep going like we are for now. For me that means she sits five feet away from me and the kids texting the OM and living a latte lifestyle. We are by no means affluent, but that is my point. I have always nagged about her spending, but now when things are really tight and she is worried about money, there always seems to be a couple of bucks for the 4.50 cup of java and the 9 dollar penera lunch.
I do not want to seem like I am controlling her through finances, but I think the entire point is that I cannot worry any longer about what she thinks. I am going to talk to the lawyer about issues evolving from me leaving (first I have to get a lawyer), in Illinois law, and if he/she is good with it, I simply cannot see staying as a healthy option for me.
Made veiled accusation again this morning in as loving a way as I could, and I know that is stupid, but THAT is one of the reasons I need to get out, if only for the morning emptiness that seems to warp my brain into this submissive pleading troll.
Last night right after my post I felt SO good about everything, but then she hit me with a trembly lip and near tear eyes when I talked of leaving and I kind of lost my MOJO. I have to be as strong as she was on Bomb day, and even more so perhaps due to the fact I love her so.
Best to all, and thanks to the DB board for keeping me sane.
I know I saw a bit on here about affair confrontation and such, but cannot seem to find it now and need it bad.
I screwed up today outrageously, and just do not know how to handle it. If wife says something about it I do not know what to say, and if she does NOT say anything about it I do not know what to do.
Just play it off and keep trying to move on? I had such a decent weekend and now this...bogus, and no finger to point but at myself.
So you screwed up and acted outragiously. They put us on the brink, hardly allowing us to recognize or know who we are anymore, but then when we "screw-up" we beat ourselves up over it. As my lawyer once said (oh and by the way, my Illinois lawyer), "why do you care what he thinks? He has proven to be a liar and a cheat, and you have to stop worrying about what HE thinks". Best advice I ever got. Actually, it changed everything.
I did get my sanity back, but it wasn't until I drew my line in the sand and did what was best for me. That meant backing away and giving myself the space I needed to get stronger. The day I told him that if he was going to go then it might as well be sooner rather than later. Not knowing what they are doing, and feeling the pain of the rejection that they inflict on us, put me on the road to taking my power back. If you think that moving out is what's best for you, then do it. Right now your ex doesn't really care what's best for you, but rather how it will affect her. Those tears were most likely selfish tears. If she cared, she wouldn't sit there texting another man.
Personally, I think staying together while their "finding themselves" is much harder. I know that some will say just the opposite, but I know the pain of hoping and trying to DB under the same roof. By the time I had the strength to ask my ex to leave, I was almost as unstable as him. Besides, if she is ever going to have to sh@t of get off the pot it will be when she feel what life will be like without you there to pick up the pieces.
Why on earth is a Facebook friend removal so hard to take. She dropped me today and for some reason I had been dreading it, perhaps because I am sure this is where the EA/PA began with the OM.
I am still here though. The kids are fine, and the planet, although a bit warmer, has not blown up. I have a good job, am moving on to my MA in the Fall and in general should be doing OK in most areas.
I can tell things are going to go bad though, because she really has issues with money and will soon be in need of it. I had kept everything together in hopes I would not be percieved as holding her hostage via the money tree, but I think I have made it clear that I wanted the best for her and she will just have to think what she thinks.
Have a good morning everyone, and know you are touching lives with your helpful words.
The anger just flows in such waves...nothing...nothing...then BAM. while I was doing this THIS was going on. THIS person made a comment long ago when a bit tipsy and I did not catch it. while I was lying in bed broken up with a screw in my ankle...while I was busting my a$$ in the yard to make things nice for her party...and on and on.
Jeezus, how long before the past goes away or is at least muted. If I cannot get my mind off things at work...where is there comfort?
I am a babbler by nature and this keeping quiet thing is just the nastiest damn bit of irony I can imagine. It is like she has me in a box and I know I just have to realise it is of my own making, but can only seem to peek over the friggin lid.
How can a rational being with all this evidence and great advice keep cycling through these destructive feelings when they KNOW they are no good?
Keep wanting to post the scene from City slickers where the guy talks about realizing his Dad was not just cheating on his Mom, but was doing it to all of them. This selfish person has destroyed the future I envisioned and the family I love, and I just have to take a big bite of the [censored] sandwich and get on with things. It all sounded so easy four months ago, and I am still struggling so much.
I hope someone can come along in a year and see this to get a sense of the time/cycling they have to look forward to, because I am going to check out some of those journey type posts and try to draw something from them.
