Divorce filed. Learned a lot. Feeling positive.

[healthydad]

I've been away for a long time - but I thought it was time to come back to DB and just say thanks to the many people that helped me through my situation - and also to offer bit of a hopeful perspective to people that might be going through a tough time.

Looking back now, I must say that I'm a bit shocked at just how brutal the end of my marriage felt at first. When my XW started talking about divorce I just fell apart - made a lot of the mistakes people make when faced with the threat of loss - but I also started on a process of learning about myself that I would never give up - even if I had to go through all that horrendous pain again.

One of the main things I learned through my situation is that DB, the stuff we learn here from the books and from one another, is not just about saving a marriage - for, at least, it was about saving myself first. I had no idea that I was in such a toxic marriage - nor that I was in such an abusive relationship (emotionally abusive - not physical). I was in a marriage that brought out the worst in me...and it took me a long time to see that.

Since my childhood, I've often played the role of rescuer - thinking that it was my responsibility to be there for someone and help people find their way - now I can see just how arrogant (albeit unintentionally so) this attitude was. One person can never solve the problems for another - we can be supportive and loving and giving and compassionate and patient, but we can never heal another person's heart or heal another person's dilemmas of insecurity. Our attempts are destined to fail - and, ironically, sometimes our attempts to help another come at great cost to ourselves, even if we think we are helping from a point of strength - as sometimes that urge to help reflects a weakness, a vulnerability in ourselves more than a strength...and that is something else I came to understand more over these last two years.

I never understood why I was with my XW - she was harsh to me at times, rough to my older son from a previous marriage, and she had had an affair. But the worse she treated me, the more I was drawn to her. It baffled me. All my life, I had had an easy time (well, relatively easy) ending a relationship - but with her, I just could not. I would end it, but then go back...like I needed something in my contact with her. Looking back now, I think some of it makes more sense - her behavior toward me was so very similar to my father's toward me as a child - it was a type of abuse that belittled me and would pollute the idea of love with sinister attempts to lower my esteem for myself in order for her to avoid having to face her own insecurities...exactly like my relationship with my father. Of course there were other issues - many of which I might never understand, but I know that letting go, not letting myself be made to feel responsible for all that troubled her, believing more in myself - and embracing my life by confronting and moving through my fears - I have finally achieved at a point my life when I think I might actually know myself...and it is a blessing.

I am not surviving the big D - I am thriving in the aftermath of a torrent that threatened to consume me. I am finding happiness in a place that I hadn't had it for a long time - in myself...and that is making be a better father, a better friend, a better partner and a better son. I went through some terrible pain a couple years ago...and I know there will continue to be frustrating moments as I try to co-parent with someone that I don't trust, but I feel positive in a way I never thought I would when I first had to peel myself off the floor and heard myself wailing as though my entire heart had been torn to pieces. How is it possible to grow out of so much sadness? I don't know...I just know that it is possible...and I am doing it.

[Coach]

How is it possible to grow out of so much sadness? I don't know...I just know that it is possible...and I am doing it.

Because you made a choice to become a better man regardless of the outcome.

Great to hear from you, Carlos! How is your older son?

My world is pretty good. Going on vacation next week just the two of us to the beach.

Cheers
Coach

[healthydad]

Hi Coach,
Wonderful to hear from you as well - and to see that you are still here. Your advice helped me in so many ways through some of the toughest times - and I still share your words about wasted energy with other men I find going through something similar to what I experienced. While I can't rescue them - I know those words had a tremendous impact on me - and helped me shift my perspective.

My older son is doing great - he's out here with me for the summer - and helped me fix my girlfriend's car today (her AC died and we had to swap out the entire fuse box on top of the battery). It was a tremendous bonding moment - and I was so glad to share it with him.

Have a wonderful time at the beach! Where will you be going?

-Carlos.

[BobbiJo]

Carlos---long time no read! Glad to hear you are doing so well and growing and moving forward. Good news all around.

[antlers]

Your post is inspiring, and it speaks to those of us who are in the middle of the horrendous situation that you described earlier. We can relate to the pain and misery that you went through...but we can't relate, yet, to the strength and peace and happiness that you describe now. We look forward to getting there.

[healthydad]

Hi BobbiJo - it has been a long time - but things are going well and I feel good about moving forward. Looks like things have moved a long a lot for you too - I hope you're doing well and finding some peace in your changes as well.

Thank you, Antlers. I know what you mean about not being able to relate, yet, to the what can come of all the pain. I remember feeling that way myself - reading posts from people that had already been through so much, hearing the peace in their words, trying to imagine how I could ever get there...for many months, for many dire months, I didn't think I would get through my situation. The pain and sadness was beyond anything I had ever experienced - and for me it was compounded with several other personal matters as well - the loss of work, my older son moving cross-country with his mother, and the horrible sense of failure that just seemed to seize me at every turn - in particular in the mornings and at night.

While I'm still struggling with some things - and still having to deal with limited work and having my older son live far away during the school year - I'm finding a kind of hope through all of this that I did not anticipate. I'm also discovering a level of gratitude in myself that I did not know before - for my friends, for my family, for my girlfriend, for the talents I was born with and the challenges I was born to face and learn from, and for the chance to become a better person. I laugh more now. I'm also calmer than I've ever been in my life. And I just keep learning more and more. As I said before, it's a blessing.