This is my first post but here goes.....Over the past couple of years I have noticed that my wife's interest in sex has declined. We have two boys 10 and 6 and I usually pick them up from school, feed them, do the homework and housework. She is a professor and her schedule can be hectic. Her job is her life. The other day she said that she was tired and was going to lie down. I went in the room to talk with her and she seemed drained. I left the room and she plugged in that computer and the work seemed to energize her.
In the past sex was spontaneous and exciting but now its like pulling teeth. She asked me if we can have scheduled sex two or three times a week. It is usually on Wed and Sunday night. I was so desperate that I bought the "Sex Starved Marriage." My wife read one chapter and stated that she was insulted because she is nothing like anyone in the book.
She does not like to have sex in the morning but said she would work on satisfying my needs. Her comment has been that, "You ask too much." So I've stopped talking about sex, period. I am not perfect, but I think my request to have a more satisfying love life is reasonable. I am at the point where I am about to check out of here. I have never cheated on her and to my knowledge she has never cheated on my. Any suggestions??????
Some of us would love to be tortured the way you currently are. I'm not going to repeat my lack of sexual statistics, but there are people on here over 5 years without sex and intimacy from their own spouses. If they raise the question or request they are made to feel they are perverts.
In your situation, I would try not to question her but focus on what turns her on and how to get her to that point.
Not to seem petty but, you call scheduled sex 2 - 3 times a week a problem?
You seem to recognize the fact that your W is tired and worn and seems energized when she's on the computer. Well maybe she needs a little more "private" time. Give her some time to recoup. Maybe give her a backrub that doesn't lead to sex.
Right now you're sounding pretty needy. And to say that you are thinking of walking away because of this is a little selfish. IMO.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
He is at a point that is good. 2-3 times a week scheduled, to ensure your need is met is pretty selfless and generous.
So Mr Bonds advice is pretty good in that, you use a couple of those sessions to make it all about her. I would take her up on some of these "quickie" sessions rather than build up stress and anger.
I'm a fan of the backrub, the warm bath, etc, etc.
You and your wife are not in a sex starved marriage. You are in a marriage where one partner has a higher libido (you) than the other partner (your wife). This situation can sometimes become a sex starved marriage when the frequency of sex drops down to zero for several months.
You might want to grab a few other books to read that are on different areas of relationships. I would suggest that you get a copy of No More Mr. Nice Guy and read it and seriously consider some of the "Get a Life" advice within the book. I would also suggest that you maybe get a copy of the book a Pasionate Marriage by David Schnarch.
While you should be commended for being pro-active in protecting your marriage by acting sooner rather than later, I would bet that your wife is correct that she is not like the women in the SSM book from her perspective. However, it is also clear that you are not getting the emotional love you feel you need. That is a real relationship issue that the two of you will need to address at some point. Another book you might want to read is Chapman's the Five Lanaguage of Love. That might help you figure out what it is that "you need" inorder to feel loved by your wife. It might be a lot different that sex.
Good Luck to you.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
I'm going to go the other way here. First, anyone who can read the Sex-Starved Marriage and not see anything of himself or herself in the people described is more likely to be in denial than genuinely that unusual, in my opinion. You'd have to be so unusual as to border on weird to have been married for any amount of time without experiencing some of those issues.
Second, Dolphe will have to chime in again for us to know, but I read his post to mean that they're currently having little or no sex and she has propose a compromise of 2-3 scheduled times for sex per week. I think I know how Dolphe feels; he doesn't like the idea of agreeing to something that he knows may or may not satisfy him, but that his wife is probably counting on to do just that and end the problem. Scheduled sex twice a week is a good place to be if it's where you are right now on the way to having good sex with the woman you love. It's not the goal, and I read Dolphe to mean that he's afraid his wife considers it the goal.
Third, I doon't like this one-upmanship method of dealing with problems. I know where it comes from, but if you show an EMT your broken ribs, he doesn't dismiss you, saying "Pff. Guy yesterday had a tension pneumothorax, pussy. Walk it off." He treats and transports.
Fourth, you have to keep in mind that although some here might think Dolphe is in an enviable position, it won't feel that way to him, and from where he's sitting inside a SSM (again, I think that's what he's describing if you read closely) it's hard for him to see the glass as half full.
I do highly recommende Schnarch's *Passionate Marriage* I didn't read it when our problems were at their worst; I'm working my way through it. some of the ideas in it are familiar because I've been working on similar things either inspired by MWD ane these forums.
She gets a massage quite often. As for private time, I think about three to four hours per night is enough. When you don't spend much time with the kids I guess you have that luxury, huh???
Hi dolphe, Just thought I'd throw a woman's POV in, in case it might help? What caught me about your post was that you'd noticed her interest in sex had changed. And, that she'd so quickly felt 'insulted' by reading the book. To me, that doesn't sound like anger, that sounds like it hit her a little too 'close to home', or embarrassment over the situation or something. (When I was the lower-drive spouse, I would have been MORTIFIED if my H would have asked me to read a book about it... not saying that solves anything, just trying to ponder what feelings she might have had that stopped her from reading the book)
Could you tell us, how much have your talked with your wife about your concerns? This might sound simplistic, but have you asked her how she's feeling about the change in your sex life? If she has any concerns? Don't forget, for women, sex is 80% emotional. It's the most intimate form of communication there is. If you're not communicating deeply, emotionally, or have disconnected in some way in your relationship, the sex is always the first to suffer.
Also, could you tell us about when you first started noticing her interest in it changing? What was going on in yours and her life then? Was there something else changing in your lives that might have affected her?
Last edited by prairiegirl; 07/13/1005:16 PM. Reason: added sentence
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
