Stronger is Back! Better than ever!

[Stronger]

Hello All....many/most of you won't remember me. But I used to be on here pretty much everyday, all day. I got so much help and hope and support here...it really was my life line during a very very dark time.

Quick background, H left November 2008. He had an EA turned PA. She leaves and goes off into the sunset without him.

We have a four year old son together.

Update...We are divorced. We finalized in April.

But the reason I'm here is to tell you, I'm fantastic. I will also tell you, fight for your marriage. I am so very very glad I did. I'm so glad I GALed my a$$ off and survived this. I'm so glad I can tell my child Mommy fought with all her heart and soul for her marriage...and not because of my son...it was mostly for me and my H.

So let me take you back over the last 7 months.

November 2009. It's about the middle of the month before Thanksgiving. It's basically one year since H left. I'm talking to my hysterical Korean mother that I love more than life. We're talking about nothing really, just idle chit chat, like the weather and blah blah blah. Out of nowhere she says "Do you want to know why I hate H?" Shocked me because it was out of the blue and said with true venom. I said "Sure." She says that she hated him because her daughter now sounds sad. "For the first time in my life, you sound so sad. And it's in your voice. I don't think I could look at you right now because it might make me kill him." She went on to say that her favorite thing about me was the life in me, the happiness. And now, it was all gone. She said "You almost sound dead."

Well, that just about killed me. I was heart broken. My mother is the hardest working woman I know. She's the strongest woman I know. She's the best woman I know. I'm so proud of her and to be her daughter. I love the parts of me I know I've gotten from her.

So that was the start of my "come to the light" moment. I thought and thought and thought and thought for the next week or so. When it was done, I had come to the realization I had to move on. So I did.

I really went out and lived. I really looked at my son. I reconnected with friends. I hit the exercise hard and changed my diet. I got a new hair do. Got involved in some other projects in and out of work. I volunteer now. Etc, etc, etc.

Mind you, I did many of these things before as I was fighting for my marriage. But this time, I really did it. It wasn't just motion, this involved my new heart and new outlook. I was ready.

December 2009. My H notices these vast changes in me. Plus I'm no longer really hanging out with him. I'm not talking about stuff related to us, AT ALL. Matter of fact, I'm avoiding it. This month, I make love to him. For the last time. It was sad and wonderful at the same time. I really closed that chapter in my life...the one where I fought for my marriage.

January 2010. Life is better. More clear. I'm talking with my lawyer about what I need and want and really in my heart, trying to be fair and honest. Not trying to screw him. I start telling people at work. I take off my rings.

February 2010. I publicly change my name back to my maiden name. I decided to do this because H and I have very public jobs and as I was telling people we were divorcing many were so happy for me because they knew he had been cheating on me. It was amazing how liberating all of that was for me. I know many of want to keep this quiet and as you're fighting for your marriages, you should. But I want you to know, if it comes to this point for you, you can do it. People are wonderful and supportive.

March 2010. I tell H we can finalize later in the year. This would behoove us financially but from now on I wanted him to be clear I considered the marriage over and done and I was ready to move on with my life. He asked "What does that mean? Are you bleeping someone now?" No, that's not what it meant, but it did mean I was moving on and open to meeting new people and doing new things. I was ready for a life that did not include him except as our S's father.

End of March/April 2010. H starts to freak out. It was hard to watch and deal with. For so long all I wanted was for him to come home and say "I'm here. I love you and let's work this out. Let's be happy and married. I can do this. I can commit here to you and our family." When it happened, it was the worst thing I could imagine. I wanted to cry, hit him, scream, hug him....all of the above. But more than anything...I wanted him to shut up and leave.

He gets mad and pushes to finalize. He didn't believe I would sign until his lawyer called and said I had signed.

He continued to try to come home. He then pulled back and just tried to have sex with me. Neither has happened.

Basically folks, I came to realize...he would do it again. I once asked during his freak out "Will you go to counseling?" He said no. I don't know how we could have moved forward and worked on this without help. I do know in my heart he would do this again. And then my S would be older and truly understand what was happening and again, I would be heart broken. Maybe even worse.

MW does say in Divorce Remedy that IF you get divorced, you will survive. She even says there would be many people gasping and maybe even angry with her for saying that, but she's right and I'm glad she did say it.

Bottom line....listen to what you read in that book. Take it to heart. Oddly enough, it was when I truly gave up H wanted to come home. That's why you detach and live your life. By the time H wanted to come home though I really had changed and moved on.

Today. Today we are getting along. He still tries to be intimate which just makes me laugh. Every now and then he'll say something along the lines of getting back together and I say "I'll never say never but I can tell you...it ain't happening right now! You still have some growing up to do." And I do mean that.

Never give up hope but don't stop living either. Please please please take care of you and make sure you are happy. I know it's so dark right now you can't even imagine. I do remember those days. I remember them so well I can't believe I'm where I am now, but I promise you, you will be ok. One way or another.

[konfuseeed]

Wow.

Awesome.

[SunnyD]

I am so glad you shared your story! I've shared on other threads that with my first marriage, the same kind of thing happened. After the divorce and my GAL, H wanted to reconcile and was furious when I would not. One day it just snapped and I was over him. Now, as I've mentioned, it was easier for me then because we had been married for less than 2 years (but together almost 7) and no kids. With my current sitch, much harder going on 20 years and 3 kids!

I believe it when you say though that one must make changes for the benefit of him/herself (and kids) and not just to win the spouse back. It's funny how when you respect yourself, you give your WS a reason to respect you as well!

[newmama]

WOW! I am so inspired! Please keep posting! I have been faking detaching but really want to. I think maybe this time it is starting to happen (it's like trying to quit smoking....takes at least 7 times until it happens! lol!):

Never give up hope but don't stop living either. Please please please take care of you and make sure you are happy. I know it's so dark right now you can't even imagine. I do remember those days. I remember them so well I can't believe I'm where I am now, but I promise you, you will be ok. One way or another.

I believe this!