Michele I read over the chapter you posted here. This issue is one that I am very concerned about. I believe that it is a key point in saving my M. I'd like to post a little about my concern on this issue, and hope that perhaps you or one of the moderaters may be able to comment.
In the beginning of our R, my W and I had the best sex life ever. We had tons of passion. I could not believe it. As it usually goes in new R's, after the first few months it leveled out (we weren't like rabbits anymore). Not that I wouldn't have liked the pace, but she began to tell me that I was just wanting to much, and that I was smothering her a bit.
Over time, issues developed in our M. I am unsure of what happened to our sex life, but it seems that we have spent almost our entire M of me always wanting to initiate, her rarely ever initiating, and me trying not to pressure her about it.
We've been married for about 6 years, but for at least the last 3 or more, our sex life has been down to about once a year. I tried not to make it an issue, but I once sat with her and told her that I was concerned about our M because of this - and she told me that she was just not interested in sex, and didn't know why. But, that I should not worry about it, that she loved me and our M was okay.
There are several factors that I thought might have caused it, we had both gained weight, we were under a lot of financial stress, and I could tell that we had some issues that needed to be addressed.
We last had sex in November of 2001. She initiated it. Later the same night we got into an arguement at a party, and two days later she said she wanted out of the M. I asked her how she could have sex with me one day and two days later want out of the M. She said she had done it for me... that she had been trying to work on the M. But, that it just wasn't working. She also said that I had backed off the issue so she had felt like initiating (to try again) but then I just moved back in with my smothering behavior and pressured her away again.
She decided to stay and work on the M at that point, but moved to the other bedroom. I wish that I had found DR then, but I didn't. We live in separate rooms until May of 2002. I had no idea of how to handle the sitch and I handled it all wrong. I ended up pushing her to the edge and in May she said that was it - she dropped the bomb.
The bomb got dropped in May as a direct result of my confronting her about her not being attracted to me. I asked her, and she said that she was not attracted to me any more and hadn't been for a long time. She said that she is interested in sex - just not with me.
I asked her what was wrong with me - I feel that I'm physically attractive... She said it wasn't that. It was how I made her feel. Not only had she resented me for a lot for smothering and controlling her, but she had begun to look at me more as a parent type instead of as a partner because she said that was how I had treated her.
I got the feeling for some time in our M that she had not been quite ready to commit to a lasting R, but that she tried because she did love me. However, I think she wanted out - or felt like she did (for whatever reasons) for a long time. Apparently she was not happy for a very long time.
I think the only reason she stayed was because she did love me, whether she felt attracted to me or not. I think she felt she tried everything to make it work, and then decided that it just wouldn't.
Over the past several months, I have made a lot of positive changes in myself (changes in behavior, lost weight, etc..), and she has commented on those changes but seems skeptical. She has also lost weight (so that isn't a factor for her anymore). I know she doesn't want to be in the same rut again. But, she keeps going back to her not being attracted to me - she brought it up again just the other day. She does not say that she loves me, she says she "cares for me". Sometimes I think she wishes that it would work, but that she just doesn't feel like she will be attracted to me again. After all, from what she says, she hasn't been for such a long time.
She has told me more than once over the past several months (and again just the other day) that she does not want to be in a R with anyone. She wants to be able to do as she pleases and not answer to anyone. That she wouldn't mind finding someone she could just hang out and have sex with occasionally - with no strings attached. The last time she said this to me she was angry, so I am not sure if she was serious. But, she has said it before.
So, with all that being said. I am concerned with her not being attracted to me, and the length of time that this has been going on. I would like to believe that the attraction will return once we work through our issues and have stated as much to her when we have discussed it. But, I am afraid that she is unable or unwilling to get past it. Is it possible that she is unable to feel that attraction again due to all this time? Or, is it just that she is unwilling? If she were willing.. if she still cares for me, can the feelings of attraction return after all this time?
Do you have any comments on this?.. or any examples of R's that have suffered such a similar problem for that has drawn out this long?
Thank you... I know my post was long, but I wanted to make sure I provided enough information for a good assessment.
you have alot of the same questions i have my situation is so similar to yours. i am starting to apply what michele suggests. i am working on myself. being as calm and patient as i can be. we have started counseling and its a slow go. but atleast he is going . i am concentrating on the positives because i feel we have alot of them. he is so selfcentered right now . and thats hard to take but love is patient love is kind. i am trying to let God do all the worrying and work on myself. if i can't talk to him nice than i go out and exercise. or i read things for me. but i still accept and do my responsibilities . i can't be accused of anything except trying to save my marriage. i know it takes two to make a marriage and two to have problems. all i know is that i will have tried everything and anything to save my marriage.
my husband and i have been married for 12 years he tells me that he has not been attracted to me for atleast the last 6 years he says he has tried to force himself to be. but he never gave me any sign that that was the problem. i knew something was wrong but he never told me anything when i asked. he finally told me after he had an affair and i found out. it was hard at first but i wanted the truth.he has other problems but he won't deal with any of them which is frustrating but its his decision. i can't do it for him. thats why its so important to do things for yourself work on you. i feel better . i am on a selfimprovement campaign . the better i can be the better my marriage can be.so don't loose faith. and on the handif things don't work out. you will be a great person for all you have done and learned . stay strong.
Thanks. Right now we're separated... and trying to be friends. I believe that our sex life was affected by all the issues that we had in our M. It is my hope that by backing up and starting as friends again, that maybe we can redevelop the R - into an even better one. If that happens, then I believe that the sex issue will solve itself.
Jwhetnc, You're right, your post was long, but it was long on describing the problem, not how you're handling the problem. I can't really tell from your post what you've been doing lately to make things work. I know in the beginning you were pressuring her, and now I get the sense that you've backed off a lot. But besides that, what are you doing to try to improve things? Clearly, a good sexual relationship will not be the first thing that falls into place even if your marriage ends up working out. So, although this may have started out dealing with "sex-starved marriage issues," you're more into "divorce remedy"issues. So, it's one step at a time. Michele
Michele, Thanks for your response. Yes, I am definitely in the DR realm right now. Sex is the last issue that we are dealing with at this time. I guess I'll worry about the sex issue if/when we get back to that point.
I suppose that the main question that I had for you was "Is it possible to come back after all this?.. "Under these circumstances, Is it possible for us to regain all that we lost?"
As for the DR strategies... Right now we are separated. She says she has to have some time and space to deal with some of her own issues such as "finding herself"... she has never lived on her own, therefore she seems to feel she has to prove something to herself.
She said she really isn't thinking about OR right now. She is just trying to concentrate on school, work, and surviving on her own.
She says that she doesn't know yet whether or not she will want to work on the R once she has dealt with her issues. She said that it is possible that she might, but that it is just as possible that she may not. She told me that she did not expect for me to wait around on her - that I should go ahead and live my life, and that she would let me know if/when she wants to work on OR.
So, right now we are just working on being friends. We have both commented on starting over as friends and seeing where that leads us. Sometimes it is difficult to try and just be her friend. I am just worried that I may be setting myself up for more hearbreak. But, I am trying to approach it with no expectations. I just hope that I am doing the right thing.
I have a similar situation--my husband tells me he loves me and yet he does not want to have sex unless I initiate. Even when I do initiate it is like pulling teeth. I consider myself to be attractive, I take care of myself, wear pretty lingerie, etc. And right now I have been DBing for the past year. Initially when we married the attraction was incredible. My husband is involved with OW currently (claims he is not sleeping with her) and told me I was "selfish" when I found out because he felt he was justified in having another woman due to him not being able to touch me for "unknown reasons" We went to a counselor who said that it definitely was not a physical problem (when I come close to him, he does get an erection), however he is being stubborn about making an effort. His exact words were "it does not feel natural". Our counselor told him to try it anyway, even if it does not feel natural, but he does not seem to want to try. Any suggestions on how to proceed with this delicate situation. I had been nice, DBing, etc, but waiting around didn't seem to make anything happen.
I'm thinking my controlling and smothering is what has caused my W to be unattracted to me. At this point all I can do is continue to work on myself, attending counseling etc...
I know that I am becoming a much better person than I was before. Even my friends and coworkers comment on it frequently.
Perhaps my W will also notice the positive changes, and be willing to work on our R. If not, then I am sure that whatever R I find myself in the future, I will be a much better partner.
jwhetnc, Your plan sounds very good to me. You asked whether love can ever be restored after so long and so much distance between you. Just read the success stories. While not everyone ends up living happily ever after, many people do. Will you? I don't know. But if I were you, I'd follow your plan rigidly and what to see what happens. Then, in the end if it didn't work, at least I could tell myself that I did everything humanly possible to save my marriage. I'd sleep better at night. I think you will too. Just keep plugging away. Michele
Michele, Thanks for your reply. I do hope that I am doing the right thing. I have really backed off of my W, and I just dealing with myself right now.
I sometimes wonder if there is anything I could do or say that would change things. But, I haven't come up with anything except to do "nothing", as I believe that would have the most effect on her, and cause the least damage.
Right now, she is initiating almost all contact... and she contacts me for the most ridiculous things. It really makes me wonder. But, I am afraid to read to much into it. If I am backed off of her, and she has feelings for me and our R, won't she just come to me at some point and tell me how she feels?
Am I doing the right thing by just completely leaving her alone, letting her initiate contact, and just being there for her? That is what I wonder.
