Confused and looking for advice

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Hmom,
could you enter the data about yourself that appears at the bottom of each post?

Here's a 2x4 with love.

you say he's too young to be going through a MLC. HOW young is too young?

You need to be more specific! I have known you for 2 minutes and see problems with your communication.

We are here to help and will be brutally honest in our assessments.

Now this is from my personal experience:
How has your intimatacy been up to the point when he said he was done?
How old are you're kids?

[b]What would your husband say if someone asked him:
" What has it been like living with you W for the past year?"[/b]

No one like to admit they have a problem. Don't expect him to.

[hockeymom12]

Our intimacy was better than it had ever been. It stopped when he stopped talking to me because I felt attacked. He would say that I have been very angry and not happy. That is probably true but he should have voiced it to me before he got to the point of needing to leave. I am not communicating everything on here because I do not know what I am all suppose to put, so do not judge my communication skills.

M-34
W-33
D-15
S-10
T-16 years
m-11 years
Bomb-02/24

[gr8 day 2B alive]

It stopped when he stopped talking to me because I felt attacked

Why do you think he stopped talking to you?

What did he do to attack you?

so do not judge my communication skills.

I am not judging your skills. I am trying to understand you.
Did you feel attacked when I made that comment?
Please be specific when telling us information.

We/I want to help you through this.

My W is 34 too and I considered she was having a MLC. I also thought she was suffering from post pardum depression.

34 is not too young to feel like your life isn't going in the right direction.

[hockeymom12]

Gr8

I do appreciate your advice and I appreciate the time you are taking to write on my post, as you can probably tell I am just very sensitive right now, I am tired of crying and being on the edge. He says he stopped talking because he did not know what to say, he truly has never been a big communicator and realizes that he struggles with this, so it was easier for him to stop talking then deal with his feelings, he is still doing this to this day. I felt attacked because instead of talking about his feelings and what was going on in his head he blamed me and how I was, he was constantly telling me what I needed to do to fix the problem but he had nothing to fix. I also felt attacked and maybe that is the wrong word because I could not believe it was so easy for him to pull away.

I am not sure what other information to share, this is all so new to me. I also do not have internet access at home so if I do not respond I am just not at work.

Thanks,

[PEI]

Sorry to see you here ... have a read through my sitch, I see some similarities.

I would highly recommend that you read 'Divorce Remedy' and 'How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It' (you'll learn a lot about communication - I thought I was a good communicator too).

It's not easy, but you need to take a deep breath and step back and start to see the big picture. As hurt and angry as you are right now, those emotions will not help you ... take care of yourself, eat properly, sleep, breathe, mediate, exercise, enjoy your kids and LEARN. Learn about MLC, about communication, about partnership, about YOURSELF.

(((((hm12)))))

PEI

[gr8 day 2B alive]

hmom,
your situation sounds like mine except my W was the one to leave.
I WAS like your husband in that I often kept my feeling to myself. I didn't agrue with W and agreed to her view point to stop the tension between us. I was not a good communicator.

But the difference is that your H decided to leave. This is why I think there may be depression or MLC going on.

Have you ever suggested to him to see a doctor?

Until he accepts the fact there may be something wrong there's nothing you can do. Suggested once and leave it alone.
Take care of yourself-----you will hear this over and over .
Question:

Looking at your interaction W him, would you say HE thinks you nagged him?

If so get the book PEI MOM suggest by Pat LOve, it will give you a better understanding about the way men and women perceive things.

I am going away for the weekend so I won't be around until MOnday.
Wo

[hockeymom12]

While my marriage is 100% over and there is nothing I can do about it. He informed me this weekend that our marriage was horrible and he can not believe I did not know this. I really didn't, I mean I knew that I got angry and stuff and showed it but I loved him so much and really thought we would always be together. He informed me that he has not loved me for a long time and now that he is gone it is easier to stay away instead of working on it. Last week he agreed to read divorce busters and I asked him why he agreed to this if he was so set on never working this out and he said that he just wants to keep an open mind on things but that he will never come back. So needless to say today is not a good day.

Gr8, did I nag him? I would honestly say no, I did not have to nag him for any reason, he was always helpful around the house, with the kids and so on, we were true partners, yes there were things about him that would irritate me as there always is but I never nagged him about them, maybe it would have been better if I had.

I do not know how I can work on this when we are not speaking at all and he refuses to go to counselling.

[fudwoman]

hockeymom,
There are a lot of similarities in our situation. I have one question for you - do you think you have issues with rage? What exactly do you think your contribution has been to your marital discord? What specific things have you done to address the things that will ultimately make you a happier person despite your husband's actions? Not trying to barrage you with questions but trying to understand if perhaps I have any personal experience that might be of value to you.

A

[1hope]

Hmom, let me give you a big hug. Then, take a deep breath, and let it out slowly.

First, your marriage is not over until it is really over....as in divorce final. Then it might not be totally over. You don't have to let go, until you want to.

I suggest that you read the Divorce Busting book, immediately. It is a wonderful tool, for YOU. Not your Husband. Do not insist that he read Divorce Busting because you will be giving away all of your tools and tactics.

I am an old timer on this site, long enough to tell you that Puppy's advise is usually correct. My H began to behave much like yours has. He denied and denied an OW. He and our life turned crazy! And a year later I found out it was an OW. He had lied to everyone...and I still have a hard time believing that.

Anyway, after many months of hard work and the support of wonderful people here, we made it. Lots of tears and more than a few crazy nights...but I finally have my best friend back.

I would suggest that you read everything that you can find about MLC and Infideliety on this board. There are many here with very good advice. You have found a bery supportive and save haven.

[hockeymom12]

Fudwoman,

Do I think I have a problem with rage, yes..I see that now, if I would get upset I would snap on him, the kids whoever. I am now working very hard to fix this and have only had 3 episodes in 7 weeks, which for me is great, I would have them almost everyday. Stress is my trigger and even though I am going through the most stress of my life right now I am aware of my problem and keeping it in check, not to say I am healed, I am not but I am working on it. I think my anger was what I contributed to my marriage falling apart, He says that for years he just put his head in the sand and he cannot do that anymore, so he is speaking up by leaving. I have stopped my kids from being my whole life, that is what I am doing. Our lives were wrapped up in our kids, running them around 7 days a week to the various sports they played and so on, we always put them first, finacially and emotionally, and while they will always be my number 1 priority I am making sure to take time for myself and they are very supportive of this.

If you have anything to share with me I would appreciate it.