The conversation about packing your things and moving that you recounted with your H reminds me SO much of the round and round conversations I would have with my ex. Then the later texting to you with the total mood swing later is exactly what I have been living for the last couple of years.
You sound like you did a good job on not reacting to any of his bait. That is what will free you from the constant emotional termoil.
Best of luck, it's a long road ahead. I like the sound of your post and not letting him suck you into his drama.
"Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out." Robert Collier
"One's best success often comes after their greatest disappointments." Henry Ward Beecher
Your whole situation brings back so many bad memories for me. He does not really hate you, he hates himself right now. He has no control over his emotions. Keep GAL.....
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
He does not really hate you, he hates himself right now. He has no control over his emotions.
I wasn't expecting it, but this brought me to tears. :-/ I wonder a lot WHY does he hate me so much, but maybe you're right. I just find it so difficult dealing with being "the enemy".
M: 34 WAH: 38 (in MLC) Together: 11 years Married since: November 2000 DS: 15 DS: 11 DS: 10 ILYBINILWY: Dec. 2009 Living separately since: April 2010
Well, I'm back from moving my stuff from OUR home to MY home. H was not there when we got there and I'm glad he stayed away the whole time. The last two hours he did keep texting me trying to rush me, though.
When we arrived I was shocked to see how much he had let the place go, inside and out. The lawn hadn't been mowed in weeks, the porch was trashed, the inside of the house was a MESS! Beer bottles, dirty dishes and clothes, and trash everywhere! The boys said it's not usually that bad through the week, it just gets that way over the weekend when they are gone with me.
It felt so bittersweet being there and seeing some items, but- overall- I kept my composure and was even OKAY with everything. I still have things I need to get out of the house and H didn't seem to have a problem with me returning next weekend to get them.
When we unloaded all my stuff into my new place I actually felt content, relieved. I'm sure I'll go back and forth on this- but for now I am feeling more optimistic about everything.
M: 34 WAH: 38 (in MLC) Together: 11 years Married since: November 2000 DS: 15 DS: 11 DS: 10 ILYBINILWY: Dec. 2009 Living separately since: April 2010
This is important a person in MLC they are looking for any reason to divorce to run, they're on a drug and not thinking rationally at all.
THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU!!!!
I haven't read all of your posts and we all have a heck of a road to go, but you are at the right place.
Read other threads and something else will stick out and you'll have an Ahha moment.
I have been here since September and every single day learn something else.
The hardest to handle is the letting go, but that really is the only chance you have.
THIS IS IMPORTANT. WHAT YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND AND THE LOVE YOU HAD IT WAS REAL and you are the gate keeper to that. YOU HAVE THE ACCURATE MEMORIES.
Protect those by staying out of his way, you are going to hear, see, wonder, hope.
But really the best advice is in the threads of others and the simplest is to just leave him alone.
Keep texts or emails simple, kids and bills and simple, they don't remember much anyway.
And in his mind you are the reason he is so miserable, YOUR NOT.
But leaving him alone prevents him from blaming you or adding justification.
Picture him as a 3yr old having a tantrum. Nothing you do will soothe it, but if you walk away from the kid, well eventually they calm themselves down.
Yes we all do. So be gentle on yourself. It is how and what we do once we know about our mistakes that define who we really are. You are walking now on this journey, soon you will sprint..then you will run...Keep walking...don't loose hope.
Quote:
THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU
To some extent I agree, at least as it relates to the issues your H has. This also has something to do with you...something for you to find... something for you to feel. Do you know what that is?
Quote:
The hardest to handle is the letting go, but that really is the only chance you have.
Ohhh so true...do you know what the "chance" is?
RLay - As hard as this is...YOU need to know that you will survive. How are you feeling?
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Just getting caught up – Eric, great post! Really great!
Remember Eric and True, onions have layers. Parfait is the most delicious thing in this whole dang planet, but onions have layers.  LOL (Hope you all watched Shrek or that was totally lost)
Mach, I could tell you had really thought out that post. I have gotten back into painting recently and I have lots of paintings I want to do, you just added one to me. That was beautiful and well thought out. Thank you for posting it.
SA put it so succinctly, RLay, you are here to save yourself. You thought it was by forcing your M through DBing. Yes, you can still DB, but it’s in a much more gentle way. You are going to GAL, you are going to work on yourself, you are going to detach. Those are all DB actions. You are going to set goals, but your goals will be for yourself and you will realize that babysteps will not happen with MLC. Instead, the focus is on you.
I finally found a place to rent and just moved in this past week. At first, I was feeling very optimistic and excited to be in my own place. This weekend, however, I am feeling very depressed- wishing he was here with me in this new place, wondering if I'll ever not be lonely. Now that I have most of "our" furniture and pictures and what-nots, I am reminded of him as I look around. ::sigh:: I just wish this all wasn't happening.
I am still having very little contact with him. I don't call or text him unless absolutely necessary, and he does the same. Actually he NEVER calls me, just texts. It bothers me he doesn't try to call me, that when we are talking to each other he is reserved (like he can't trust me with any info or feelings), that the NC doesn't seem to bother him. I worry that it's become easy for him to just wipe me out of his heart and life and forget about me because I have went "dark". I mean, did I really mean that little to him? Ugh.
He is STILL quizing the boys everytime they return to him about who "mom" is dating, is "T" hanging around. I don't understand this; I've told him (and so have the boys) over and over that I am not seeing anyone, not even "T".
Anyway, tomorrow starts a new week and I plan to pull myself up by the boot straps and begin (again) to focus on me. I really need someone to talk to... no one here seems to understand. ::sigh::
M: 34 WAH: 38 (in MLC) Together: 11 years Married since: November 2000 DS: 15 DS: 11 DS: 10 ILYBINILWY: Dec. 2009 Living separately since: April 2010
RLay, You're right, I've found that people in RL don't understand and think I am deluding myself by believing that my H is in a MLC. They believe it is me refusing to face reality. They believe it is me giving my H an excuse to do what he's done.
You know what? I don't give two shats what people think. I know MLC exists because I live with it everyday. I've witnessed a formerly responsible, caring individual do a 180 and turn his back on all he held dear and walk away complete with the selfishness and confusion that was so unlike him.
You know what else? I don't talk to those people about H anymore. I don't need their pity. I bring my thoughts, questions, comments and vents here. Here to this place where I know that people do understand for they have either walked the path before me or are walking it with me. I take great comfort and solace in that.
I am truly blessed to have found this place. I have opened my heart and my mind and with many wise DBers guidance I have grown in ways I never dreamed of. I may not be able to save my M, but I certainly have saved me. For that gift, I'm forever grateful.
