So basically I've said 'no contact' with OW (note its been an internet affair with high school sweetheart), gave the final ultimatum of 'No contact' and counseling. Then within 69 days he contacted her again while I was traveling.
And I've been good about not rubbing the OW in his face.
Then I gave him another letter after the NC and he contacted her to say we needed a temporary separation. And that I knew he wasn't truthful about having sex with the OW. That he needed to get tested for an STD because she has a known one and he could be a carrier. He cried on phone message to me.
So I'm stuck. What if he contacts her again, what if he never goes to counseling and what if he never gets tested? I'm confused about where I go from here.
GDH
Let the sideshow begin....
Me 44 H 46 S 13 D 11 Married: 17 Dated: 7
Bomb 7/1//08 ILUBINILWY 2nd Bomb 4/3/09 I'm Leaving You 3rd Bomb 11/2009 - The 3 YR Affair is discovered
he contacted her to say we needed a temporary separation.
what do you mean- he is giving her a temporary separation or the 2 of you are having one?
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Yes, I agree....you are stuck. You have been here for 2 1/2 years and bounced all over the board with no more than two pages per thread....before you'd start another one and usually before waiting for people to reply. The majority of the posts I've seen have been the emails/letters you've sent your H. One thread had no explanation, no introduction or anything, just started out with you talking to him....
You said you kept a journal or diary but I wonder if that is what you are mostly using this board to do. Are you really looking for advice... or sympathy?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Well I've used the board to journal and no I'm not looking for sympathy. I have come here for advice, for counsel, for new ideas, for fresh thoughts. I'm just trying to find my way along this journey like the rest of you. I haven't posted the whole story I know. Because it has been a long and complex 3 yrs and full of twists and turns. Maybe the roller coaster ride that is hard to keep up with and so I don't from one day to the next what to write. But whatever I've posted is truly from the bottom of my heart. There is nothing for me here to hide I have nothing left that I cannot expose. I've exposed what I can so far. Maybe I'm just not good at writing like you expect. But I'm trying to do what I can. I'm an accountant by trade so everyone knows we cannot write worth a [censored]. Maybe we suck at communication too which is the other failure in the marriage. Many of the posts here are so eloquent and full of feeling. I just don't know if I can write like that. If I share with you the letters to my H, it is because I am sharing what I feel the best that I can. Sorry if it was not what you expected. Maybe that isn't the traditional approach on this board. Maybe I'm just not at the right place here.
I don't know. I'm just here trying to find answers. I've DBed my butt off for 3 yrs and am wondering am I just on another cheeseless tunnel?
Let the sideshow begin....
Me 44 H 46 S 13 D 11 Married: 17 Dated: 7
Bomb 7/1//08 ILUBINILWY 2nd Bomb 4/3/09 I'm Leaving You 3rd Bomb 11/2009 - The 3 YR Affair is discovered
And Sandy, I bounced around because I tried Newcomers, no responses, I tried MLC and Sox was great there but it wasn't until I realized my husband was in a full on affair that I need to be in Infidelity. You see, the advice I got was don't just label it MLC right away, that is just an excuse. That came from my IC. Then when I realized it was a full affair and probably MLC I had to make a choice of where to go. I figured Infidelity since that was the cream of the crop. But I'm sure there is some MLC going on too contrary to what my IC says. She also thinks he may have Narcissistic tendencies. But I don't see a board for that.
do you have some suggestions to help point me in the right direction or do you prefer to just say "don't bother, you are looking for sympathy". We can't help you here. I'd think empathy is more like what we all need at this point in our lives. A little at least.
Let the sideshow begin....
Me 44 H 46 S 13 D 11 Married: 17 Dated: 7
Bomb 7/1//08 ILUBINILWY 2nd Bomb 4/3/09 I'm Leaving You 3rd Bomb 11/2009 - The 3 YR Affair is discovered
Okay, then stay here in this forum. Weekends are slow, but if you will stay here....you will get help. Allen & Puppy are good to help folks in this forum if you will not bounce from one forum to another. Others will come and find you,but it takes time.
If you need to journal, then it helps us for you to just say that you are journaling. If you need advice, then just ask.
I hear your frustation and your deep hurt. I am very concerned that you continued to have sex with your H even after he was unfaithful (if I understood the story correctly) and now you are giving the "final" ultimatum.
I don't know if you have read the threads on "boundaries" or not. Boundaries are not ultimatums. You can read about the differences. I will try to find the link and post it. You can read other threads here on this forum from Allen. He talks a lot about the steps to take with this.
I don't know, but don't recall reading where your H had to suffer any consequences. You thought he broke contact with OW but now he's backwith her? He has had the best of both worlds. Maybe he's in MLC, IDK. But for sure, he's wayward.
Just stay here in this forum and you'll get responses. I will check back later. Try to do something for yourself that will help to calm the stress. Distant yourself from him and don't discuss R or OW or anything like that with him today. Just think about your health and taking care of yourself. He may have infected you. If you decide to have sex with him again.....please use protection. You have to think about your life.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Going, glad to see you are going to stick around on this forum. I responded to you in zen's thread. I realize you don't want to write a long history but it would be helpful of you just listed a time line of some kind.
I have to say that when you said your H contacted OW to tell OW you 2 needed a temporary separation that it isn't good...
"temporary" isn't strong enough. In your mind, you can think temporary but he should hear "separation" and see that you are serious about taking the time to decide what you want for your future. Whether you want to stay married or not.
The upside to the separation is that it will give you a break from the pain he is causing you and seriously, you should take the time to improve yourself. It MAY cause him to realize he doesn't want to lose you.
The downside to separation is that he has free reign to be with OW. And if you are not acting strong and detached or distant then he won't see the seriousness of it. Fake it til you make it.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
