So its been awhile since I posted last. Here's what's been up.
Came back from family trip to NYC last eve. Went with W and kids. It was our exchange student's 18th b-day present. The trip was planned last fall before the Bomb was dropped.
We spent a whirlwind Fri-Mon. touring Manhattan. Did Chinatown, Little Italy, Chelsea, Central Park, Wall Street, Midtown etc.
The preparations to the trip make me think this is going be different from our family trips of the past: Each person had a carry on for the trip. We always used to have a group bag of toiletries, etc. W now has own toiletry bag and doesn't check on kids/me that we have ours before trip. So I take care of that.
While walking (lots of it!) on the streets W is always 100ft ahead of us - like she is on a mission or something. Sometimes waits for us or she disappears and we have to wait for her. The kids notice but say little. In the past we would always walk together and enjoy each others' company.
She goes off to shops on her own and buys whatever and doesn't share of what she has purchased with us. Almost like she doesn't want us to know what she is doing.
We travel together, sleep in same room. W gets out early and goes to Starbucks to get coffee each morning. Its up to me to get the kids up to make the Comp. breakfast.
Its weird, like living with Jeckel/Hyde W. One minute she is joking with the kids (never with me), next she is totally quiet, detached and 100ft. ahead of us.
Sunday W appears "out of it". Detached, quiet. After going to B-way matinee show and heading back to hotel she states her back hurts and the 4 or us should go to dinner without her. We go to Little Italy and have a great dinner. Travel to Brooklyn and walk over the Brooklyn bridge with the beautiful city lights as our backdrop. Simply spectacular! This turns out to be one of the best times with the kids for me.
Monday we have an uneventful day until we get to JFK airport. We have been walking for 4 days straight so the kids and I take the conveyer belt walkway. My D says she doesn't want to walk any more and I can't blame her. Wife takes off and yells back at us to keep walking. Then W states loudly "I hate traveling in groups!" which the kids and I can hear clearly. No one says anything.
We get to our gate at the airport about 2hrs early and get ready to settle in. W is there first (of course) and finds a seat so she can FB friends on our laptop which is in my bag. S gets out computer and wife says she wants it first. S makes joke saying it will only take a minute for him to check his email. W says "I'm not in the mood!" in a nasty, threatening manner, S still hangs onto computer. W says "that's it!" and walks off. Leaves her bag and 4 of us.
We have no idea where she is nor does she make an effort to call or text us. W shows up about 10 min. before boarding, says nothing. I've taken care of the kids dinner, and ask if she is hungry - she says she has already eaten!
I feel like I am living with an alien. Someone has abducted the person that I married and left me with a self-absorbed, selfish B*tch who has no interest in being with me and barely tolerates the kids.
don't let her openly disrespect you, if she says something rude, cruel or mean, never be afraid to call her on it, "that was disrespectful, I didn't deserve than and I expect an apology"
I don't care if she apologizes at all, you continue holding that line when she does something mean spirited or cruel. If she's been used to disrespecting you and doing it openly, you either remove yourself from the situations that allow that to happen or you call her on that crap behavior.
If she smartens up and apologizes, great, if she doesn't, her loss, just don't reward her behavior with your attention.
TeleDad,
This was great advice two weeks ago, and it's great advice now. It doesn't sound like your Princess is ever called on her boorish behavior, and the really sad thing is -- as you note in your latest post -- little eyes are watching.
Is this what you want to teach them about how to treat people, and to allow people to treat them?
Yes SM, I know! Between the trips on her own to the emotional distancing, to the internet chatting, to the fact that she states she wants to S/D it's pretty clear. An EA at the very least.
Knowing that the kids see all this clearly is the hardest part. They need at least 1 parent at this point.
When W acts like a teenager she is baiting me into an argument/confrontation and at this stage it is progress for me to keep my mouth shut and consider my words/actions before I take the bait.
Pup, Fair enough. My co-dependent personality has me questioning much of what I do and my motivation to the point of leaving me paralyzed at times.
I know now that the seeds of W's selfish behavior were there many years ago. W's searching for new careers, hobbies, etc. has gone on throughout our M and I have always supported her. I thought she did the same of me. However she now holds against me the very activities that she encouraged me to participate in.
Naive? Absolutely. What I took as unconditional love was not.
I realize that we train those we love how to treat us. I allowed my W to verbally abuse me often without calling her on it. She continues to do so to me and the kids. I have been working to GAL and stay away from W. Calling her on rude, disrespectful behavior is what I need to do now.
You sound like you have real clarity on it all, at least. I know it's tough, TD, and I don't mean to bust your balls. While I love my wife very much, she is also a bit of a princess, and I know this can be very difficult.
Well today is the day I go with WAW to Divorce Mediator. Any advice how to handle the initial meeting?
The mediators say this is to find out if this will be a good fit or if individual L would be better. I figure I will make out better if I go this route as WAW said she will not go after my retirement and I'm sure any L would advise her to do so.
I've been in a fog all day - trying to keep myself together so that way I can focus on the meeting this afternoon...
I would never meet with a mediator without first meeting with my own atty, to better understand what my rights and responsibilities are. How can you determine if the two of you can strike an amicable agreement that is "fair, if you don't yet know what "fair" LOOKS like?
