I want to barf whenever I see the term "needs not being met." Not exactly sure where this originated, maybe some long lost 12 step program, whatever.....
Seriously? It's B.S. Especially when the "needs" are so random and arbitrary. Funny how they change over time too.
Don't we "need" to grow the f up and be responsible enough not to saddle some poor sap with our needy "ne-e-e-e-ds?"
Just as sodium pentathol (sp? -- "truth serum"), or even alcohol for that matter, doesn't make you say things you don't MEAN, it just makes them more likely to COME OUT . . .
So do the expressed "unmet emotional needs" of a fogged-out wayward spouse. I've found, thru studying thousands of these situations, that even though the DATES might be b.s. ("re-writing and back-dating of marital history), the complaints themselves are usually VERY REAL, or at least CONTAIN truthful elements to them. A betrayed spouse ignores them to their detriment, Kimmie Lee.
Yes, deal with the affair first, if there is one, and don't agree with b.s. re-writing of marital history IF it's b.s. But then you'd damned well better also have a plan for working on yourself, and on your partner's unmet needs and marital complaints if you decide to take them back.
Remove the emotion from romantic/marriage situations and think in terms of other things.
I have a good friend who went on vacation to Mexico. On the day she flew home her father died really suddenly. He was young.. in his mid 50's and keeled over from a heart attack at work and died a few moments later. She was very close to her father. Her father died while her plane was in the air and her mother decided it was best to wait until she got home to tell her. My friend had a connection in Chicago and turned her cell on to find a message from another friend saying how sorry she was about her dad. My friend had NO CLUE what was going on. She found out her dad died from a message another friend left while in the Chicago airport. Then somehow had to pull herself together to complete the rest of her travels.
Now that the funeral is over and things have settled down everything is hitting her hard. Last Saturday night I sat with her until 4:30 am and she was so sad, crying and just destroyed. I can hug her and be there for her but I felt it was okay to ask her what she needed from me. Was there anything I wasn't doing that I could be doing to help her.
What is so needy and wrong about that?
I am unsure if you are just talking in generalities or what. In a marriage I still don't understand why it would not be a positive thing to ask your spouse (A) what their needs are and (B) express your needs.
Before things go to sh*t in a marriage maybe less sh*t would happen if two spouses could freely express their needs (and be very open to the others needs) without feeling defensive or assuming a conflict will take place.
I have definitely heard this from my WAW. I agree with what Puppy says also. Right now she is done with both of her EAs but it still doesn't change the fact that I don't "meet her needs" and that we are "not compatible".
My W tried to explain it like this. She would love to go to a restaurant and sit down and order a lovely meal and have it prepared for her and brought to her and she could just enjoy it. Right now she has felt that she goes to this restaurant and she orders her meal but then she has to go to the kitchen and make it and then serve herself. This is her metaphor of how her needs aren't being met.
She has definitely re-written our marital history which she denies and I have also told her that no matter what I do to ty and "meet her needs" that if SHE doesn't feel that they are being met it doesn't matter what I do. I would LOVE to work on the M and the R with her but she will have nothing to do with that and as my one daughter has said: "Mom is so needy, she expected you to read her mind and when you didn't she got mad at you"! Kid are so perseptive!
I am working on myself and GAL and trying to have a PMA while I go dark and leave the W alone in these final 3 months before the D is final.
Thanks for letting me vent,
Ken
Me48 WAW46 M24 yrs S24 D21 D19 EA disc 6/09 2nd EA Fall 09 I move out 11/12/09 W and I switch 1/14/10 D Filed 3/17/10 W moves in with OM 6/8/10 D Final 6/21/10
Don't we "need" to grow the f up and be responsible enough not to saddle some poor sap with our needy "ne-e-e-e-ds?"
How about if they had wants that needed to be addressed? I can't scratch all my itches.
It's when those wants go untended to that the problems arise.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Yes, and when those wants are not shared clearly...then it's "Oh he/she just doesn't get me...if they loved me they would know...if they loved me I wouldn't have to say anything...etc."
It's an ugly truth about most of these sitches- one person just checks out too soon
I agree that it is important that the needs of both W and H are met in a M..but sometimes..in the case of an A..it is not caused by unmet needs. Sometimes a spouse seeks something outside of the R that cannot be fulfilled in any stable relationship...drama, secrecy and excitement of an affair.
Also when dealing with a depressed spouse having an A, there is nothing one spouse can do to meet the depressed spouse's needs. They seek an A to provide them with some excitement to temporary lift them out of their depression. The BS can sometimes never meet the spouse's needs..no matter how much they try.
