Will I ever be forgiven???

[jasper67]

I hate to say it considering my sitch and an attempt to alas drop the rope...your post made me cry.

I won't blame you if my rope dropping doesnt go well...

lol

Seriously, I think that's awesome and I know only a few sitches get to where you are...I firmly believe that those that do will be stronger M's than ever!

I'm beyond blaming myself for everything in my sitch...I do love my wife very much and would change everything to save the M...but I know at this point w has to want it.

I hope someday soon W will face her demons and see what I see.

I hope to have your success...

Until then or until I find someone new, I am living for me now and addressing all of my issues...for me.

Thanks dday

[BigJohn]

I guess in all fairness, look at this way:

A LBS lies to him/herself and anyone involved for a duration of time. To defend themselves, to think: "how could my spouse do this to me, I did NOTHING wrong". When in time, the LBS comes to find that they most certainly DID have their hand in everything.

Conversly, and obviously over a much larger span of time due to the severity of their actions, a WAS will do the same. But until that clarity comes, the LBS will always be 100% (or as close to) in the wrong.

Hindsight, everybody is in a "fog" of their own. No?

DDay,

Great posts above, I agree with you wholeheartedly. BTW, I haven't checked your sitch for awhile, I'm very happy for you and your family. We can't get enough good news around here IMHO. I hope things continue to progress in the right direction for you. I'm pulling for you guys!!

P.S.- Don't fret about the hijack- something tells me Mom won't mind.

[Mom of 2 Cherubs]

dday,

No worries about the hijack. like another poster here mentioned, I don't mind. The insight from everyone is eye opening and thought provoking.

I haven't written my letter yet, but on my way to work this morning heard a song - which i have heard over and over again before - that has given me the courgae to just do it. Say - John Mayer (I believe). I have heard it before and always took different meaning from it.

[kat727]

If I recall correctly I actually posted to your former H back when you both were posting. I had just come on here and felt things were not going the way they should for the two of you.

If you write this letter, you are doing it for you. He may not want to hear it because chances are he can't trust what you say to be true. I know that is what I would think if something similiar came from my ex.

That being said, I do know there are things I wanted to hear from him. Not a script in anyway, but I so wanted to know that our marriage meant something to him. I know what it meant for me and I honored it but he obviously had different feelings about it. To this day he can't say anything in regards to it. I have put thoughts of getting an answer to rest. I probably will never know.

If your ex has a burning sort of question like that I would address it but otherwise, write the letter for yourself and keep it.

Not trying to sound harsh, I just don't think it does the LBS any good.

kat

[dday101798]

jasper:

Definately letting go is a neccessity, not only for you, but for any chance for the situation to get better. If you let your W go and live out the life she thinks she wants, it's going to go one of two ways. So, what's to lose at this point?

BigJohn & in general:

I certainly wish there were far more success stories here. My personal belief that may get some riled up is that some folks are just so overwhelmed with their situations, that the suggestion of others outside it, be it friends, family, and especially here, is just taken as the gospel truth. Things like "your spouse is only doing this, or doing that, just to bait you" or "it's all lies, WAS validation".

I can't tell you how many countless times I posted here things I could not understand that my (x)W was doing. Why she said she still loved me? Why she still had that gleam in her eyes when we could get the chance to make eye to eye contact? Why we still felt connected at those times?

The bulk of the repsonses I received were of the variety that I speak and some started many arguements here. I have said, and will say again, heck I'm guilty of it too, sometimes it gets hard to keep your own personal feelings about your situation out of your advice to others. Each and every persons situation here IS unique in it's own way despite how similar the story line may be to the rest. It is YOURS and YOURS alone. Only YOU know your spouse, even when they are currently "not themselves". Only YOU know when your wayward spouse is trying to reach out to you GENUINELY.

Posting this above makes me think of the handful of times my (x)W was in fact reaching out to me. Each time, I did hold that rope, boy did I ever. But, we needed to go on the full ride, as painful as it was for everyone. So I could finally drop that rope, once and for all. Yes, (x)W did some horrible things, truly horrible and I can see why some folks would say at the time her 'good deeds' were all lies, but that's when the thought that (x)W was an addict went to the wayside and those who were trying to help were injecting their own personal feelings my situation.

"Mom":

Even if you never share it with your XH, write the letter. The undelivered letter can be very therapeutic, and also a chronology to yourself to revisit later, educate yourself on who you are or are becoming or later on perhaps, who you were. You can also revise your thoughts over and over until what you really want to say is finally there instead of the general idea.

I have numerous letters and countless revisions there of that I never gave to (x)W while in the thick of things. Almost every one of them started off bitter or demanding, blaming, the list could go on. I keep them now to remind myself of the person I should not be, period.

I kind of derailed myself here, but the point is, if YOU feel the need to write that letter, if YOU feel the need to come clean with your XH, then by all means, it's for you. Whether or not your XH accepts what you have to say, you can not control.

[AtTheEnd?]

jasper,

I'm not anywhere near a reconciliation. My wife is very distant and has been from the beginning. At least her anger is gone, but there isn't any "spark" there. I'm out of the house, communication is minimal, but at least it's civil. She one time told me that she had to be nice because I'm the father of her children (this was at the beginning). It's difficult to see the positives when you are in the middle of this, but I'm not so sure that there is going to be any sort of reconciliation (this is 10 months in so far), and she told me that it's coming up on a year since this started and her feelings haven't changed (6 weeks ago). It's disappointing and sad, but I get the feeling that she has some sort of date in mind as to when she will bring this to an end.

[dday101798]

AtTheEnd:

I don't want to load your head with false premise, but you're throwing in the towel way, way too early in the fight.

10 months? How long were you together?

And I'll say this, my (x)W told me she was "numb" for a long time prior to everything coming to a head. Which IS true (2 years), and I don't blame her for it.

And yes, my (X)W DID in fact have a date in mind to end it all.

[AtTheEnd?]

Not throwing in the towel. Not giving up, just living my life now, enjoying myself where I can. Great job, good friends, and fantastic daughters. I can truly say that I love every aspect of my life, except for one. I wasn't looking back, but I did a backslide in the last two weeks and was trying to monitor WAS progress. I re-focused and feel much better for it.

We have been together for 16 years, married for 11. 3 D (10/8/4). She has the house, the car she wanted, and we still have a joint account. Communication between us is better than at any point since this has started, and she's actually reading something I gave to her in Sept/Oct, although very slowly (pretty dense book though). I'm not getting hopes up, and just doing my thing. It's difficult to imagine everything that you will be losing, but I can't control that, and I need to remember that. Live day by day, be the best person you can be. That's my mantra. :-)

[AtTheEnd?]

I guess this is where my question of what happens next came from. How does this progress? It's not really a fair question as no one has a crystal ball, but it's difficult to find how this typically moves from here. I still think it's a toss-up as to how this will end up.

[musclegal]

Mom,
I think that you should write the letter. But I don't think you should mail it to him while you are with the OM--at least not yet. If he re-marries, then it's a different story. You can mail it to him then. After its clear that you/him are no longer an "option" But tell him that you don't expect or ask for a response.

I have received text messages from my H several times telling me how sorry he is for hurting me. But I have no idea what to do with them. He is in the midst of what looks to me like an addictive/insane affair, he has hurt me terribly and our children terribly, and I really don't know what to do with his guilt. While I think it is healthy for him to feel sorry, I feel like he wants me to "carry" that for him--to tell him that it was OK. But it wasn't OK. He had forgotten all about the "love, honor and cherish" part of marriage, and had for many years, and I'm still in a lot of pain from that. To ask for me to console him on top of that seems selfish to me. I think it is really good that you feel sorry-- you are growing and he is growing, but asking for forgiveness from him could actually place an added burden on him. You need to carry this yourself for awhile, and the other posters are right--first, conduct yourself with compassion and caring at all times, then, when its clear that you have both moved on, you can mail him the letter. Don't ask for or expect a reply. If you are kind to him and kind to your kids, eventually you may earn forgiveness from him. The risk right now is that it will feel disingenious to him if you are still with the OM, and especially so if you are feeling insecure about that relationship...it could be an unintended ploy by you to keep him under your influence just in case things don't work out with BF/OM. So, write the letter, but give it more time. Make sure you truly know your motives, and make sure he will genuinely understand your motives. Neither of you probably knows what the future holds for certain at this point.