How to approach W about OM

[OfficerInNeed]

For the past month, since my wife announce she wanted to separate due to my behavior. I have done everything possible so I could become a better person and an even greater husband. After much rejection from her toward me and the idea of continuing the relationship, I then began the LRT. For the past week I have followed the LRT and things seemed to get better between us when it came to communication.

I knew all along that she was seeking "advice" from a guy at work. Then I was told by a friend of mine who is also a co-work that they talk all the time. I seen the phone records while trying to figure out why phone bill was so high that the two talked quite often. She openly said she did speak with him and there was nothing to it that I could trust her. She never said when or how often she spoke to him on the phone. One day the OM W calls my wife and starts yelling at her for carrying on conversations with her H. My wife told me she told the W that there is nothing going on she was only seeking advice and there was no "hidden agenda." My wife told me about that call. I told my wife it was probably not a good idea to continue the calls if his W threatened to hurt you ect. I thought my wife understood but she did not stop.

I inquired to my friend she worked with from his perspective how does it look. He said he does not think anything is going on other than they are good friends. He went on to say this guy is just being himself and she is always talking to him and walking up to him.

According to my friend this OM is 10 years older than her and is married (not happily) has 2 children. He is very obnoxious and is borderline alcoholic. Everything my wife despises. So I was OK if they talked over the phone, I was in no position to approach her about it anyway since we are having such issues.

Today My wife, spontaneously, said she was going to visit her father. Got all dolled up and left. Usually she would txt me to let me know when had arrived there but she did not. It was taking an extra long time. I was concerned for her well being so I called her. She said she was not there yet that there was a lot of traffic and she will let me know when she gets there. It was very quite in the background. I asked where about was she and she simply replied "I will let you know when I am there and hung up." About 15 min later she txt me she was there. It took her 55 min to get there when it is normally a 20 min trip.

Later I called but she failed to answer. I had to pass a message on to her. So I called her father's phone so he could let her know but there was no answer. So I called her father's GF so she can pass on the message. Turned out her father was there so I spoke with him and he said he did not know she was suppose to be out there that he was sleeping and I had just woke him up.

I txt her and asked her to call that it was important. She did call but seemed to have more than an attitude than usual. I told her what I had to say. The proceeded to ask "how is it going?" she said she was just standing there talking to her father which I knew was a lie. So I asked "when do you think you'll be home" she said "I am not sure I will let you know" I said is a pleasant voice "maybe you should come home now" she said "I will come home when I am ready" I then calmly told her "I know you are not with your father because I tried to pass a message on to you and he said you were not there and he did not expect you." She said "Go worry about the other issue" I said "I am worried about you, my wife" she said again "go worry about the other issue" and I repeated what I said, then she hung up.

I sent her a txt message letting her know I am not upset, that I trust her, to be careful and return home safe and that I was heading out to work. She has not said anything in return and has yet to come home.

I am concerned for her safety.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

You need to be concerned that she's having an affair.

You told her you TRUST her??? WTF??? You just caught her CHEATING on you, and lying to you about it!!

Puppy

[Allen A]

Woah.... so many red lights... mind.... can't... think.

OK

1. Don't enable your wife when she's lying to you.
2. Don't TRUST your wife when she's lying to you.
3. Don't IGNORE a borderline alcoholic hanging around your wife and talking to her all the time.
4. Don't ignore a man and woman on the phone in secret all the time when they both have marriages in trouble... these are HUGE RED LIGHTS...

Marriage is about trust yes, but its ALSO about RESPECT.

a. Trust your wife to remain falthful.
b. Respect your husband enough not to socialize in secret with obnoxious alcoholics.

When B is ignored, you have to let A go to... sorry... its basic mathematics.

When respect to YOU goes out the window, TRUSTING her has to go out the window too...

This isn't the end of your marriage sir, but you have got to get on DAMAGE CONTROL -- NOW

1. Stop deluding yourself - your wife is NOT loyal to you right now
2. Stop letting OTHER men talk to her while her marriage is in trouble... they are PREDATORS and YOU are supposed to PROTECT her.. not let her socialize in secret with DRUNKS.
3. Stop thinking being NICE is going to move her to you.. it won't... not by a long shot... Y
4. You need to get in the middle of those two, and put a STOP to the affair... NOW before it escalates... disease, pregnancy, violence... divorce is the least of your worries.

DO NOT TRUST HER... she's showing all the key indicators of romantic addiction.

Where did you get the idea that your wife would get good advice from a unhappily married borderline alcoholic man who thinks its ok to talk in private with a confused woman with marital problems?

This guy is NOT giong to give her anything that's going to HELP her... he likley wouldn't give her good advice even if he in the off chance HAD any... he's moving IN on your WIFE if he hasn't already.

DAMAGE CONTROL TIME.

Get this guy's address.
Go to his HOME, wait til he LEAVEs and talk to his wife.
Tell her you think they are possibly having an affair.
Tell her you want him to stay AWAY from your wife.
Tell her EVERYTHING you KNOW.
Tell her that you would appreciate her keeping you informed.
Wait for this man to come home.
Meet him and tell him in FRONT of his WIFE you don't him to STAY away from your WIFE.
Leave quietly.

Your wife is going to BLAST you.
Your wife is going to thrash and throw a tantrum.
Your wife will get over it.

Get a VERY GOOD Family Therapist and get her IN there ASAP.

[Allen A]

I knew all along that she was seeking "advice" from a guy at work.
Then I was told by a friend of mine who is also a co-work that they talk all the time. I seen the phone records while trying to figure out why phone bill was so high that the two talked quite often.

Why would you let her go to this guy for advice? He isn't a therapist... if you are gonig to PAY for her to get help, send her to a professional Family Therapist...

I inquired to my friend she worked with from his perspective how does it look. He said he does not think anything is going on other than they are good friends. He went on to say this guy is just being himself and she is always talking to him and walking up to him.

"Good friends".. ya right... Is your friend WAITNG for soemthing to be gonig on before he decides to tell you to get your arse into work and run damage control?

According to my friend this OM is 10 years older than her and is married (not happily) has 2 children. He is very obnoxious and is borderline alcoholic. Everything my wife despises. So I was OK if they talked over the phone, I was in no position to approach her about it anyway since we are having such issues.

Hold it... let me type this out again for you :

A. This OM is married (not happily) ... very obnoxious and is borderline alcoholic.
B. I was OK if they talked over the phone.

Now, call me crazy, but I don't follow your logic here...

My worry is for you OIN, you see, you are going to let her walk all OVER you for months... I can read it in your post here... you NEED to get your head out of that mindset and learn you are dealing with a VERY ADDICTIVE AFFAIR...

Your wife needs a husband, and husbands do NOT let their wives walk all over them, nor should a wife let her husband walk all over her...

You need to muscle down here and assert some boundaries.. FAST... This post worries me a lot... not just from the affair, but your current disposition in reacting to it... I am worried you are going to go through the ringer over this woman for a LONG time and this affair sounds early on.. you CAN put a STOP to this EARLY, but you need to muscle down and get tough.. OK?

[OfficerInNeed]

Here is a link to my story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1949792#Post1949792

I never just her in the past due to my insecurities. She was a wonderful girl who I just treated so badly. So when I knew she made these phone calls I was upset yes, but I felt that if I confronted her about them that she would feel that I could not trust her and therefore the cycle would continue. So I wanted to show her I do trust her and that the BS of the past is over.


UPDATE:
She did eventually come home and refused to talk about the situation. She told me she "would do whatever she wants when ever she wants" I use to be a controlling person so I did not say anything. I asked her "Why did you feel the need to lie to me" she did not say anything. She was more upset about the fact I called off of work. I told her I was concerned about her and she said "I can take care of myself" I then said "I am not sure what is going on here, I have been nothing but kind to you and take care of you showing you that our relationship can indeed be better" she said "I would have left already but I am co-owner of this house and I have nowhere else to go right now, I am just trying to co-exist, people keep telling me I need to get out of this situation" I said "these people you think you can trust are saying things about you and eventually they get back to me, I care for you and don't want to see you go through this" She then asked me to explain, so I gave her some samples of what I heard.

She put her hair up and put some chap stick on and told me that this marriage is nothing more than a piece of paper and that there is nothing I can do to make up for all the wrong I done.

I expressed I understood why she would say that but know I still care about this marriage. She then walked back down stairs grabbed her purse and walked out the door. Said she needed to get away (after already being gone for 4 hours) then she once again left.

I gave her time to cool off and eventually txt her that she should return home. She said that she would in a little bit and that I should had just gone to work.

as I type this she just walked back in the door...after being gone for nearly 2 hours.

[Allen A]

She's having an affair man.. I am sorry.

All the signs are there... the lies, the rebelliousness, the dissappearing acts, the adamant attitude that the marriage is over and disrespect for your history together... its ALL there.

I am going to say this, and you need to hear me.

Letting her walk all over you right now is NOT going to bring her back.

I am assuming you are HERE becuase you want to save this thing.

Despite your controlling past, despite your not trusting her in the past, DOING the OPPOSITE while she is in an AFFAIR is NOT going to make things BETTER... TRUSTING her and being NICE to her and letting her do what SHE WANTS is going to make things a LOT WORSE... for you AND for her...

You need to cofront OM in his home with his wife and tell him to STAY AWAY from your WIFE...

I know its going over your wife's head, but you need to do it.

You need to get used to your wife disrespecting you until she's clean.

Being NICE is NOT helping you right now, it's HURTING you and your chances of her coming BACK.

[OfficerInNeed]

So last night OM W calls and tells my wife to stop calling her H, as she had done in the past, and my W failed to heed her word. I started to talk to OM W and she pretty much gathers the same. She is not sure to what extent they are having a relationship for something is going on.

My W wont talk to me about she is being very bitter and tells me that our marriage is nothing more than a piece of paper at this point and she was just trying to co-exist with me. She said a lot of hurtful things.

I ended up calling OM. We spoke for nearly 2 hours about how this all happened. According to him it is nothing more than them venting to each other. My W seems to be painting a terrible picture of me and he is entertaining her thoughts. I know she has become emotionally attached to him but I am still uncertain if it has become physical. Yesterday was the first day she had left the house to meet up with him. Up till then she was going to and returning from work during her usually times and other than that we spend all other hours together.

My W has shut me out she wont talk to me and won't reason with me and from what I was told this OM has now returned back home and "wants to keep his family together." I told me something so innocent was blown way out of proportion ect and he has to make things right and he will turn my W away from now on and encourage her to work it out with me ect.

Now this morning my W wakes up and is refusing to talk to me. She thinks I took her cellphone away from her, when in reality she misplaced it. She then leaves without telling me where she is going and when I called her she said she had just got a new service on a new cell phone.

The OM W had turned off service to his phone.

[Allen A]

Woah.. a few points... so many...

1. Do NOT believe they will stop communicating.
2. IGNORE what your wife is saying right now. she has an addiction
3. IGNORE yoru wife's THEATS
4. IGNORE yoru wife's TANTRUMS
5. Do NOT ARGUE with your wife right now... just sidestep it like you would sidestep arguing with a child... you don't argue with your kids, you set a boundary and END the convo.
6. Keep in VERY CLOSE contact with OM W right now... tell her you WANT her to keep you FULLY informed and that you would do the same for her
7. This OM has been sneaking around with your WIFE, do NOT TRUST HIM...
8. You are combatting this well so far, exposure and collecting intel, as well as confronting OM and contacting OMW, excellent work!
9. Keep in touch with OMW, send her some flowers an an apology on behalf of your wife.
10. I do NOT believe its not physical at this point. Do NOT trust OM ... he's playing you.
11. Your wife is just throwing a fit because you ruined her FUN... do NOT cave... stand up for yourself and just hold fast... do NOT argue with her.. she will BAIT you into a fight... do NOT fight her...
12. Visit OMW's place and get to know her. Make sure you text OM to give him a heads up... make GOOD friends with this woman, she's going to be your intel here...

If OMW tells you OM is gone out, and your wife is gone out... guess what?

You need to share a LOTt of info wih OMW, keep in close touch with her... be VERY NICe to her, she's going to save your marriage...

[Allen A]

OH, I forgot to mention.

Text OM, tell him outright you do NOT want him to talk at ALL with your wife.. hes not a family therapist and is NOT qualified to advise her... tell him to go HOME and work on his probelms at HOME... stop wasting time with your wife... He's trashing his marriage when he talks to your wife.

Tell him to go HOMe and NEVER talk to your wife again.

Call your buddy at work, update him and make sure he keeps a CLOSE EYE on both of them and keeps you in the loop.

Send him a gift as well... he's going to save your marriage.

[OfficerInNeed]

I spoke to OM and OM W at same time on speaker phone and he said as stated above. Also as I mentioned my wife left this morning and decided she would sign up for her own mobile service and now she will not share with me that mobile number (senseless).

Throughout this whole situation I have remained in contact with my friend from their work and from his observations he said it was nothing more than a friendship. My friend asked around and others said the same thing. OMW has two brothers that work in same facility and they too asked around and got same response "Yeah they are buddy buddy but I don't think anything is going on."

My friend said they just talk, she is not "clingy" toward him, they just talk a lot. He nor anyone else there seen any of the two initiate physical contact such as a hug or even a pat on the back.

OMW has told me she will hunt my wife down and beat the crap out of her for a lack of other terms.

It is now that much harder that she now has separate phone line.

How do you talk to someone and try to make it work when in the person's mind the marriage is over?