My husband and I have been married 12.5 years. We have no kids. We have 2 dogs and 2 cats. In the year 2000 he was diagnosed with a brain tumor. This dramatically changed him and his outlook on life. Due to him being sick (back then) he decided he didnt want kids- which at first didnt bother me because prior to getting married we both said we didnt want kids. After he got sick somewhere about a year later he decided maybe he did want kids- then changed his mind again - because if he were ever to get cancer again, he didnt want to "lose" anyone close to him or rather have any ties. I delt with it and moved on.
Over the past 10 years our marriage has increasingly gone downhill. There has been alcohol involved on weekends (no weeknights)we are both to blame for that and we have decided that we drink because of the unhappiness. About 5 years ago H asked for a divorce- i didn't want it and we went to 2 mc sessions. H decided that the counselor was against him and he didn't want to go to any counselor ever again. H is a very pessimistic person and negative most of the time. We decided back then to try working on it ourselves, well shortly after we fell back into the same pattern. Just being disrespectful to each other and at times rude. The one thing- we never argue per se (yelling screaming etc).
So the last five years going after the same "cheese" isnt working for us. In December 2009 he said he was going to move out after Christmas. In January he finally said he thought it was best and he didn't want responsibility or "ties" anymore and just wanted his freedom. he said it's not "you" it's me. He keeps stating that I am a beautiful person and i am the closest person to him that he has ever had in his life and i am his best friend, but he no longer has romantic feelings for me. Since January we had more sex in that month than we probably had in 5 months time. In the past- he has not wanted to and it was a "chore" to him. He would often times make a face before kissing me- like he was angry. So last week- he initiated sex- than wasn't "in the mood" pretty obvious with guys LOL. This did initiate an argument because he started picking on me for brushing my teeth prior to initiating sex...( i thought was being respectful and - clean)- so argument ensued and i chased him around the house demanding answers ( not being a good 180)- this was prior to getting to that chapter... it came down to him thinking that us trying to work on things in January was not working for him and he still doesn't feel the romantic connection etc. He has also researched on the internet and thinks he is in a MLC- he has most of the signs of it. Said he has not talked to any other women or initiated anything - but he wants to be with other women to have variety- ( forced him to talk about that issue) He seems to be genuinely honest about that and i have done my own snooping and haven't found anything. We have split our fiances- totally separate now (except the house). He has gotten a mail box at the post office in the city he works and said when/if he leaves he will move to another city an hour away to be closer to work.
The last week hs not been great since the argument- When i come home from work- he asks me how my day was- just "junk" talk- I return and ask him. There has been little to no physical contact- but he has initiate any "kiss- pecks" i have not. He is still talking to me like i am his best friend- but limited talk. It is more like " how is the weather" type of talking. Yes- he seems secretive and he has for quite some time, often times will tell me i am not his mother and to stop treating him like i am. He has told me he feels he has lost his identity as a man etc. He said that i don't dress feminine enough for him etc. ( I have slacked in that area over the 12 years)
I guess i am stuck- he is still in the house- he has not decided to leave ( he is waiting for me to tell him to leave i think- to make himself feel better?)I am trying to do 180's but when he is still treating me cordially i feel i need to reciprocate with conversations. The last week i have not told him my work schedule- or plans. He did ask if i wanted to go to dinner on Friday- i agreed.He has not emailed me from work or called me. I have not emailed or called him either. I have been going to the gym since Saturday. I changed my hair back to the way it was years ago (before i met him) and ordered some new shoes :-). I am starting to make plans without him as well. I guess i just don't know where to go from here- wait for him to move out? try to work on things while he is there (he said if moves out not going to work on marriage at all)since he is in MLC i don't want to push conversations about relationship but is the 180 going to work or how do i make it work when he is in the house??so frustrated. I really want to call and email him- but i know i would get a cold reception. I also want to be physical with him and affectionate. the last month was or so i thought- good- until last week. Any advice on the 180 while H is in the house would be helpful and how to have conversations with him about everything but the relationship(even though it is on my mind all the time)..
me- 36 years old H- 38 Together 15 married 12 1/2 Separated 3/5/2010 NO PA's or EA that i know of.
well he intiated a R discussion tonight. i tried to be aloof but at the same time, tell him that i still believe there is a connection worth working on given the years invested and everything we both mean to each other. I pinned him down because i am tired of his wishy washy stuff. I explained that i have done a lot of reading about the situation and told him the results of the MLC are usually the one that leaves ends up more lonely etc. He said he still feels in his "mind" that he is diong us both injustice to be in an unhealtly relationship and believes we need to live separately and see what happens. He thinks it will feel better after a few days and we have both had time to think about things-he really invisions me with someone who will treat me the way i deserve to be treated. He does not see the positives that i see. So, I told him that he needs to do what he needs to do even if that means leaving and seeing how he feels. We have agreed to not file for D yet and we will take our time doing so (if at all) I bsically told him that i dont wants papers sent to me right away and i may not be ready anytime soon to sign anything- (hoping things will change over time)He will be leaving in the next week and 1/2 when he finds a place. He asked if i wanted to be home when he left- i told him yes- perhaps to give me some closure and not to come home to emptiness- maybe im wrong on that???
He did mention a couple of times that if i still want communication with him, he wants it and he mentioned dating- not right away (but he did mention it-thats a positive)I told him that I no longer hav expectations so dating i might be ok with( because of course he had to throw in that he may ask me out on a date- but no committment to anything Relationship wise. So as of tonight thats where it stands. He will still support me financially when needed (so he says). I have a career0 but am not as financially stable now that i will be paying all the household bills, mortgage, my car pmt etc.
me- 36 years old H- 38 Together 15 married 12 1/2 Separated 3/5/2010 NO PA's or EA that i know of.
Hi welcome you sound very strong and grounded there is nothing you can really do at this point they all have similar lines' my xh said--he thought i could find someone I would be happier with this journey is time you will see how it all goes In the beginning keeping communication open was important to me it was suggested that if anything worked..keep doing it if something was not working or bringing the R better to stop I mean by better if XH wa talking to me that was better than him leaving the room when I entered so I learned to give him space to love from a distance to let go painful---YES but we do learn so much from the journey one note--He says he will take care of you financially you have a house--and you split the assets?
I might suggest you see a L- not to file just for information many times our MLCers mean well financially at the beginning mine did he paid for everything for 2 years but eeventally he filed and he ws in debt he lost everything he went in debt
they LIE A lot so be careful we cant see that in the beginning but it is part of the MLC so fimancially take care of things for you just be watchful thats all peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
OK so wat we have done on fiancial terms is- we split the credit card debt in half, we both took equal shares and put them in each other's names only, same with two of our cars ( i own a third out right in myname only). The house is th only joint debt we have. I will buy him out of the house when the time comes if i can afford it- if not then i will sell it. As far as Assets- yes we have a lot of household assets that he says he no longer wants. When he leaves he will take a bed, clothes and his work out equipment. He as always been fiancially stable and brings home 2x amount of cash than i do. I dont see him making any tupid financial decisions. He had no debt prior to marrying. however, we gained debt with credit cards together.Not a huge amount, but too much as far as i am concerned. I defintaly do not believe him when he says he will take care of me whenever i needed. I think that if he finds someone- then i will be forgotten for good. Tat is my biggest fear with him leaving- he will move on a hell of a lot faster than i will if i do at all. Right now the ought of it seems disgusting to me. Also the thought of him messing around with other women- even if we are separated- we are still married and I just dont beleive in cheating even if he is in MLC. Acting like a child is what it seemds like to me- they want what they want - when they want it. They dont care who is around them getting hurt and that SUCKS. I dont know if i would be able to take him back if he had sex with other women- Im not sure i cold forgive him/forget etc. However, i will say this and this seems strange. I know to a guy- sex is only about physical actions- with that said- if it was just sex- I dont know how i would feel. If there were emotions with it such as EA prior to his involvement- then no- i think i would constantly think about all the other women... anyone else feel this way???? has anyone overcome this????
me- 36 years old H- 38 Together 15 married 12 1/2 Separated 3/5/2010 NO PA's or EA that i know of.
I also thought i could never forgive my husband/remain married to him if he had an affair. My husband told me that years prior I used to tell him that an affair was a 'deal-breaker'-this I don't recall...but its possible.
But..when I found out about the EA and then later the PA..I was able to forgive and move past. It does take concerted effort and time.
But, just forgiving a spouse an affair doesn't save a marriage, necessarily. Especially when MLC is involved-its another beast and the affairs are just a small part of what we, LBS, learn to forgive and get over.
Understanding what MLC is about helps put your spouse's actions and inconsistencies into perspective..but people around you who don't know what MLC can be like will not "get it" and wonder why the heck you're still trying to save the marriage.
It may be easier if you H moves out and you live separately while remaining married and hope that he comes through this and back to you.
My H didn't start the PA(that I know of) until after he moved out. He thought of separation as the end of the marraige and that justified, in his mind, the relationship with the other OW. He came back when OW dumped him..but he wasn't nearly through with his MLC and moved out again in December.
Everyone has their own journey. You need to figure out YOUR journey and take care of yourself. You have no control over your H's thoughts/actions-and that can be scary right now. Hang in there.
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
The tell tale signs of MLC are all over your story. I would also add that I think you are many years into your husbands MLC....I am going to get back with you. I want to do some reading on long term MLC as compared to short term (5 years or so).
Otherwise...what are you doing for yourself? Have you realized that you can't help him out of his funk? Are you in this for the long haul since you have really been in it for a long time already?
Really....How are you beyond the sadness of the recent events?
Welcome to this board. Sorry you have to be here but this is a wonderful resource and you will "meet" great people here who understand your sich and want to give you support.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
Remember that in the stages of MLC it does NOT go 1,2,3,4,5,6 but can get all mixed up and repeat itself and have more than one stage at once. Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
I agree i do think that he has been in his mlc for quite some time now- over a year maybe 4-5yrs and he is 38yoa right now-. I have realized that i cant help him and i need to let him go- however, since this is all fresh in my mind- it is vey hard to take. I am trying to deal with him moving out this week and that will be heart wrenching. He said today that he is tired of the drama over the past few years and wants to leave etc. So we are going to try dating once a week since he will be living an hour away. We will see how it goes not sure it will work.
me- 36 years old H- 38 Together 15 married 12 1/2 Separated 3/5/2010 NO PA's or EA that i know of.
ok it has been one week to the day when he moved out. He asked me to go with him and stay the night at his place last weekend. I did. Then went home, he took me- then he stayed most of the afternoon- we had intimate realtions, then later he left to go back to his house. The two days following he called Alot- ten all of the sudden it stopped. Of course since i am thinking that we are working on our marriage- i got nervous, confused etc. I called after not hearing from him for 24 hrs. it was not a great interaction- he seemed put out and pissed. I have not verbally talked to him since. I know in DB'ing- not supposed to chase- etc. I did email him an internet link of one of his hobbies- it was an article. It started dialogue- but short and indifferent replies. I guess at this point- at times i feel he is lying about workin on things - perhaps he is trying to just ease the pain slowly?????? or does he just need space???? i dont know. I guess i just need to know how or what to do to not feel the urge to call or email- and if we are working on the relationship- then how much is too much communication when he is living outside the home- or do i sit and wait for him to call. It seems one way if i wait for him to call- that is if we are trying to work on things....thats a lot to digest lol. any suggestions?
me- 36 years old H- 38 Together 15 married 12 1/2 Separated 3/5/2010 NO PA's or EA that i know of.
Petals...sorry you are here! I am still new too so not sure what to tell you but do know that that is how MLCers act...they are confused. One day he may talk and be loving and the next not want anything to do with you. It is NOT you! Keep with the DBing and do not pursue! Let him be the one to call or email...
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
