H in MLC but still living in the home for now..

[petals]

OK here is my side of the story..

My husband and I have been married 12.5 years. We have no kids. We have 2 dogs and 2 cats. In the year 2000 he was diagnosed with a brain tumor. This dramatically changed him and his outlook on life. Due to him being sick (back then) he decided he didnt want kids- which at first didnt bother me because prior to getting married we both said we didnt want kids. After he got sick somewhere about a year later he decided maybe he did want kids- then changed his mind again - because if he were ever to get cancer again, he didnt want to "lose" anyone close to him or rather have any ties. I delt with it and moved on.

Over the past 10 years our marriage has increasingly gone downhill. There has been alcohol involved on weekends (no weeknights)we are both to blame for that and we have decided that we drink because of the unhappiness. About 5 years ago H asked for a divorce- i didn't want it and we went to 2 mc sessions. H decided that the counselor was against him and he didn't want to go to any counselor ever again. H is a very pessimistic person and negative most of the time. We decided back then to try working on it ourselves, well shortly after we fell back into the same pattern. Just being disrespectful to each other and at times rude. The one thing- we never argue per se (yelling screaming etc).

So the last five years going after the same "cheese" isnt working for us. In December 2009 he said he was going to move out after Christmas. In January he finally said he thought it was best and he didn't want responsibility or "ties" anymore and just wanted his freedom. he said it's not "you" it's me. He keeps stating that I am a beautiful person and i am the closest person to him that he has ever had in his life and i am his best friend, but he no longer has romantic feelings for me. Since January we had more sex in that month than we probably had in 5 months time. In the past- he has not wanted to and it was a "chore" to him. He would often times make a face before kissing me- like he was angry. So last week- he initiated sex- than wasn't "in the mood" pretty obvious with guys LOL. This did initiate an argument because he started picking on me for brushing my teeth prior to initiating sex...( i thought was being respectful and - clean)- so argument ensued and i chased him around the house demanding answers ( not being a good 180)- this was prior to getting to that chapter... it came down to him thinking that us trying to work on things in January was not working for him and he still doesn't feel the romantic connection etc. He has also researched on the internet and thinks he is in a MLC- he has most of the signs of it. Said he has not talked to any other women or initiated anything - but he wants to be with other women to have variety- ( forced him to talk about that issue) He seems to be genuinely honest about that and i have done my own snooping and haven't found anything. We have split our fiances- totally separate now (except the house). He has gotten a mail box at the post office in the city he works and said when/if he leaves he will move to another city an hour away to be closer to work.

The last week hs not been great since the argument- When i come home from work- he asks me how my day was- just "junk" talk- I return and ask him. There has been little to no physical contact- but he has initiate any "kiss- pecks" i have not. He is still talking to me like i am his best friend- but limited talk. It is more like " how is the weather" type of talking. Yes- he seems secretive and he has for quite some time, often times will tell me i am not his mother and to stop treating him like i am. He has told me he feels he has lost his identity as a man etc. He said that i don't dress feminine enough for him etc. ( I have slacked in that area over the 12 years)

I guess i am stuck- he is still in the house- he has not decided to leave ( he is waiting for me to tell him to leave i think- to make himself feel better?)I am trying to do 180's but when he is still treating me cordially i feel i need to reciprocate with conversations. The last week i have not told him my work schedule- or plans. He did ask if i wanted to go to dinner on Friday- i agreed.He has not emailed me from work or called me. I have not emailed or called him either. I have been going to the gym since Saturday. I changed my hair back to the way it was years ago (before i met him) and ordered some new shoes :-). I am starting to make plans without him as well. I guess i just don't know where to go from here- wait for him to move out? try to work on things while he is there (he said if moves out not going to work on marriage at all)since he is in MLC i don't want to push conversations about relationship but is the 180 going to work or how do i make it work when he is in the house??so frustrated. I really want to call and email him- but i know i would get a cold reception. I also want to be physical with him and affectionate. the last month was or so i thought- good- until last week. Any advice on the 180 while H is in the house would be helpful and how to have conversations with him about everything but the relationship(even though it is on my mind all the time)..

[Number 8]

I am very sorry to hear about your situation. It seems like things have been difficult for you for a long time, and I'm sure it's taken quite a toll on you, your H, and your R.

Unfortunately, my time right now is limited, but there are a couple thoughts I'll share.

One: Stay in the house. Both of you.

Two: Read and study up on marriage, communication, etc. Since your H is still in the house, you have a golden opportunity many of us don't to work on a better R every day. I have told many people to read How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It. [I do not work for the publisher, the authors, or any subsidiary company. It's just a very helpful book.] You seem to know the DB/DR language, but please also read Divorce Remedy if you haven't.

Keep reciprocating and conversing with him. Being unpleasant is no solution. Be cordial and upbeat, and keep up the personal "maintenance" changes! If nothing else, it will make you feel good.

[Onthemountaintop]

I felt a few of the things with my W that you mentioned your H feels. I read the book "improve your marriage without working on it" and that helped me understand where I (and she) was coming from. That helped quite a bit. It also made the idea of DB a little easier for me to get.

My 11 yr M hasn't been what I dreamt of which led us toward D, but working at improving our connection to each other (one last try) instead of separating has given me a lot more hope.

Your efforts, regardless of your results, will be what you live with - good luck, petals. Make sure to make each decision you take because you are sure it makes sense, not because you were told to.

[petals]

well he intiated a R discussion tonight. i tried to be aloof but at the same time, tell him that i still believe there is a connection worth working on given the years invested and everything we both mean to each other. I pinned him down because i am tired of his wishy washy stuff. I explained that i have done a lot of reading about the situation and told him the results of the MLC are usually the one that leaves ends up more lonely etc. He said he still feels in his "mind" that he is diong us both injustice to be in an unhealtly relationship and believes we need to live separately and see what happens. He thinks it will feel better after a few days and we have both had time to think about things-he really invisions me with someone who will treat me the way i deserve to be treated. He does not see the positives that i see. So, I told him that he needs to do what he needs to do even if that means leaving and seeing how he feels. We have agreed to not file for D yet and we will take our time doing so (if at all) I bsically told him that i dont wants papers sent to me right away and i may not be ready anytime soon to sign anything- (hoping things will change over time)He will be leaving in the next week and 1/2 when he finds a place. He asked if i wanted to be home when he left- i told him yes- perhaps to give me some closure and not to come home to emptiness- maybe im wrong on that???

He did mention a couple of times that if i still want communication with him, he wants it and he mentioned dating- not right away (but he did mention it-thats a positive)I told him that I no longer hav expectations so dating i might be ok with( because of course he had to throw in that he may ask me out on a date- but no committment to anything Relationship wise. So as of tonight thats where it stands. He will still support me financially when needed (so he says). I have a career0 but am not as financially stable now that i will be paying all the household bills, mortgage, my car pmt etc.

[Onthemountaintop]

told him the results of the MLC are usually the one that leaves ends up more lonely etc. He said he still feels in his "mind" that he is doing us both injustice to be in an unhealtly relationship and believes we need to live separately and see what happens.

That's too bad it came to that so quickly. From what I've understood of what I read, it is all about trying to re-examine your life and relationship to see where you (not he) went wrong. What led your love and deeper connections to dissipate over time? Once you've started seeing where you've gone off, go back on to the tracks that you want for yourself and your M.

If you are patient & strong, not begging or pursuing, he may take a look at you and the R he is leaving and realize he wants it.

I think, not know, that telling him how he's screwing up may not help. It is almost like saying that despite his thinking and processes, that you will never accept him or those thoughts. Saying you think there is a better way (which is good) isn't the same as saying that he's going to be lonely. Some men might see that as a challenge or blame you for a R where his friendships have been traded for a M.

One woman on these boards had her H leave, and now he's lonely and misses her, but he still needs some time to clear up his head. It is a risk she takes, but by being patient with him, trying to understand him and their M better, she has been making steady gains at having him see the beauty of their R again.

Thank God for the opportunities, prepare for the possibilities. Just work hard to keep your emotions from taking over.

Side note - when I thought my W didn't love me, I didn't want to work on my M. Keep the house doors open.

[MrBond]

The thing about MLC is that it's all about the MLC person. Look over your thread. Everything he told you skewed around him...his needs, etc. There's nothing you can do to talk him out of it. He has to do it on his own.

Accept when he asks you out, just not all the time. Say you have plans. Show him happiness in regards to how YOU are happy in yourself without him. This will force him to look at himself rather than blame you for HIS unhappiness.

The fact that he said he wants to date other women is a big red flag. You can't really stop what he's going to do, but you can lay down a boundary. You can tell him that you think it's disrespectful for him to do so when he's in a R with you. Then end the conversation. Give short answers.

The longer you talk to him, the more ammunition you give him to argue HIS point. Take that away and let him deal with HIS issues HIMSELF.