I have so much respect for all of you (women and men both) who can put so much time and effort into your relationships. I also appreciate the non-judgmental responses. I would love to have a wife who cared at all about my feelings. In my situation, divorce is my only option. I suppose I'm the Walk-Away Husband, planning his escape.
Heck yeah, Crushed!! Way to go! If I were a drinker, I'd raise a mug of beer to your statement about respecting folks who can put time/effort into [...fixing...] their marriages. I've made some effort in that regard, but have reached my end.
I'll also raise a glass to your "planning his escape" comment. We're true brethren!! Life is too short to be with someone who is mentally abusive, or makes you feel small, and who will neither appreciate your feelings nor change her behavior.
The countdown to freedom, for each of us, has begun. Better days are ahead.
The more I examine my own situation, the more I realize that it took two to get here.
I chose to put up with the excessive behavior for years. For all those years it was annoying but stable. Now it is escalating. Why? This is my question now.
It may be a countdown to freedom, or it may be a countdown to a new marriage with this same woman for me. Either way I find my present situation unworkable, as you do, and am moving unilaterally to change things.
Certain little artifacts suggest that my own wife may be thinking about the future. As I mentioned before, I am going to do all I can to make my kids' lives stable, as you are. Can we convince our wives to join us in healthier unions? Difficult to say for me, but I'm trying to envision scenarios in which it's possible.
Either way we are brothers. What part of TX are you from?
M:40 W:40 2 teenagers ILYBNILWY: 09 January 2010 soon to be walking away my situation
Crushed - you posted in my post saying you wish you had the $$ to move out. This does not sound like a good idea man. You need to stick aroud for your kids - esp your daughter. If you take off, what if she repeats the same cycle as her mom and grandmother. I have to believe you don't want that/don't want to add to the posibility of that.
I have also read, and this depends on the state, that WAH hurt their chances of custody and visitation due to the courts seeing their walking away as abandonment - something to consider?!
I am sorry to hear about your sitch BTW. I think you did good by coming here to look for help.
There is a BIG difference between abandonment and filing separation/divorce. BELIEVE ME, the court will not ALLOW a husband to abandon his wife/family!
Crushed, your kids' lives are their own. You cannot be unhappy in your marriage or ineffective as a father. If your wife undermines you, as mine does me, you might as well not even be in the picture. I am at this very moment losing custody of my two children to a woman who does NOT spend nearly as much time DOING things with them or caring for them. I can prove it. Lawyer knows the facts, and lawyer says don't attempt custody unless I want to go (more) broke and still lose custody. That's just the way to cookie crumbles.
That said, I *can* spend as much time with kids as job/geography allows and talk to them and tell them about life and what matters. They may want to emulate mom's behavior, but they'll know they can realize their true potential only if if they stick to the narrow road while growing up and apply themselves rather than pulling down their pants at every boy/girl who "wants something", getting involved in drugs, etc.
Get yourself put back together, fight for custody when mom proves herself incompetent (and she eventually may), and be the kids' father regardless of who has custody.
I'll also raise a glass to your "planning his escape" comment. We're true brethren!! Life is too short to be with someone who is mentally abusive, or makes you feel small, and who will neither appreciate your feelings nor change her behavior.
The countdown to freedom, for each of us, has begun. Better days are ahead.
TAKE ME WITH YOU!
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
So, wife sulked today. She exploded at daughter, made daughter cry. I had to go down to the master bedroom in an attempt to retrieve D15's mobile phone, which I needed her to have. There she was, in her pajamas at 3 pm, in bed, crying tears, reading a romance novel (there are probably five hundred romance novels piled in and around that room).
When she barked at me, I stood my ground, smiled, wished her a pleasant afternoon, and assertively shut the door.
Rather than leave (for which D15 needed her phone) we sat in the living room playing cards for about an hour. Wife emerged from downstairs, sniffling loudly, heating herself up some lunch, then went back downstairs.
The guilt trip is in full swing. I am a horrible guy for not speaking to this woman... or something like that.
The funny thing is how ingrained it is in me, after all these years. For a few moments I had to fight the urge to rush over, throw my arms around the poor victim tenderly, apologize (for what, I don't know, but I'm sure it was my fault) and kiss her ass.
Then we could go back to the way life was before.
I would be funny, if I weren't so pathetic.
Jesus... this thread is like a blog or something... I hope someone stumbles in here someday and gets something out of my ongoing saga.
M:40 W:40 2 teenagers ILYBNILWY: 09 January 2010 soon to be walking away my situation
I spoke to an attorney this afternoon after I finished work. I have interviewed 3 so far and this guy is who I think I will retain. I will get half of wife's retirement/401K (heh) and a nice chunk of maintenance if I choose to go this route. We also worked out child support and a 50/50 split parenting plan which is apparently encouraged by a new law in my state. I discussed this with my son and daughter over the weekend and they were visibly happy about that possibility.
Less than an hour after arriving home, all Hell broke loose, and the misery just kept flowing for an extended period of time.
Wife chased D15 through the house this afternoon for a full 20 minutes, screaming her head off. The catalyst for this depressing outburst was the fact that my daughter "didn't mop the kitchen floor well enough". Eventually wife confiscated cell phone and ipod.
I suspect the cellphone confiscation is part of a larger ploy to keep D15 from going anywhere with me, since I insist she keep it with her. In any event, D15 doesn't mop the floors perfectly. Well, holy moly, let's not help her out or teach her correct procedures. Yelling and screaming at the top of one's lungs is much more effective.
What fifteen year old is an experienced custodian, I ask you?
This is a regular occurrence in our house, and traditionally it is a cue for me to go out and defuse things. When I do intervene, I am able to "take a punch" for the children and focus wife's anger toward me. Usually she tells me that it is my fault that the children are lazy, have no work ethic, worthless, have no respect for her, etc. etc. ad infinitum.
Rather than intervene, I sat on the phone with a supportive friend and we listened to the tirade. About two years ago wife may have been mildly violent with daughter (no marks but an admission) so I was listening closely, but otherwise I let her looney behavior run its course.
About five minutes after her seemingly endless screaming rant, wife returned and told daughter in a cheerful voice that it was "time to go to grandma's" while daughter was still in tears.
No day can go by without some form of lunacy erupting in this house.
I am going to go completely dark on this nonsense for another week, at the end of which I'm going to suggest retrouvaille (thanks to the person who gave me the tip) as a last resort. When (not if) I get spat upon and told that I do not measure up to whoever wife is banging that weekend, I will consider my marriage truly hopeless. I do plan to give her a last chance.
M:40 W:40 2 teenagers ILYBNILWY: 09 January 2010 soon to be walking away my situation
I am going to go completely dark on this nonsense for another week, at the end of which I'm going to suggest retrouvaille (thanks to the person who gave me the tip) as a last resort. When (not if) I get spat upon and told that I do not measure up to whoever wife is banging that weekend, I will consider my marriage truly hopeless. I do plan to give her a last chance.
Wow, crushed. I've been following your thread. I don't even know what to say other than I'm sorry you are going thru this.
No offensive, but why are you going to suggest Retro if you think that W. will say no. I assume the spitting comment wasn't meant literally?
M & H: 40 M: 5.5 T: 7.5 OW: 7/09 Bomb: 9/09 Sep: 3/10 H files 7/10
