She Say's She Want's Out Of The Marriage

[tbart01]

Well imagine that, I just found out that I pissed my W off at MC yesterday.

In the beginning I told the C that my W appears to not be contacting or seeing the children as much this week. My W immediately called me out on the accusation, I thought about it, and I retracted the accusation. In reality its me she's been more distant to, not hem, but it seemed like it was all of us.

This isn't going to be easy that's for sure. Unfortunately, she's already having trouble forgiving me for things and this isn't going to help. It doesn't matter how much I apologize for something, it never has,she will hold it against me forever.

I thought MC went pretty well, but obviously I was incorrect. She's still unable to talk to me about how she feels. She's always bottled things up and thrown them at me at a later time. She only told me about her anger because I forewarned her that I was sad, confused and frustrated today.

I forewarned her because of the negative attitude I projected earlier in the week because of my frustration. I only knew of two times I came across wrong in MC yesterday, so that's how I knew what had angered her. However, she never told me that i had done something to anger her.

Patience has got to be one of the toughest things to do. I'm not sure for how long I'm going to be able to do this.

[tbart01]

She came over to the house yesterday morning. We sat and drank coffee and talked. Cleared up the anger issues from counseling. She took my D14 shopping and I went to the trailer.

When I got back she came outside and we talked for a bit. I asked her at one point if there something I hadn't thought of that would bring her back home. Her answer was time and consistency. I told her I had no problem with the consistence part, but I wasn't sure how I would do on the time.

It was a constructive talk, but at one point she surprised me. She said there were times when she felt like a piece of meat to me because i would grope her. Now I know I have come out and said what I wanted to do to her, our touch her butt. However, I never groped her.

As time goes on, little pieces of what's going through her head are coming out. We need to deal with them she says, but she knows we can't change them.

We also talked about our view on finances and saving money. She was relieved to hear that we were both on the same page. That has allot to do with how she's feeling, so this was a positive in resolving the financial issues with her she said.

We then took D14 out to dinner and a movie for her birthday. It was awkward because we took two vehicles and went our separate ways after the movie but we all had fun together.

She asked if she could stay at the house next weekend since it's mothers day. She wants to take D4 to the zoo while I take D14 out on the boat. I really don't like leaving the house so I don't know what I'm going to do.

[tbart01]

I have absolutely no idea what's going on or what to do. She came to the house yesterday and brought all her stuff in and told D14 she was here to stay.

Th previous night we took D14 to dinner and a movie for her birthday. My insisted on taking separate vehicles which set the tone of the night. After my W left my D14 said that she thought W was having fun staying where she is and just visiting us. She had said prior that she also felt W had abandoned them, which she shared with W.

I text my W yesterday to let her know the things that were going through my D head. She text me back that it was my job to man up and stand by her side and tell my D that it is more difficult on my W than she could imagine. It is has more to do with my attitude than my W actions.

I was floored by this and text her back that I've done nothing but defend her from the beginning with everyone. I said I was tired of standing up for her and it was time she owned up to the fact hat it was her actions not my attitude that was making my D feel the way she does.

Some hours later my W pulls up in the driveway and starts bringing her stuff in. I went to see what she was doing and she told me not to talk to her, so I let her be. Like I said she told my D14 that she was here to stay. My D14 picked up on my W hinting that I wouldn't let her see the kids enough so she had to do this.

My D14 has always told her that my W had a choice and staying away was hers. She would always tell D14 when she got off the phone to kiss and hug D4 for her. My D would get off the phone and tell me she hates it when she says that because she could just come and do it herself. In a nutshell, my daughter isn't stupid and she gets it more than my W thinks.

She was fake with the kids all night and made for a very uncomfortable environment. This was a very peaceful household with just the girls and I, and they enjoyed being with me. She's causing more harm than she is good.

When she went to bed last night she closed and locked our bedroom door. I knocked on the door and told her she didn't need to lock me out of my room. I grabbed some stuff and I told her that if this is how she's going to act I don't want her to come back tomorrow night.

She then tried to blame this on me by telling me I wasn't saying the right things to D14. I told her that she needed to go take a look in the mirror and stop trying to cast the blame on me. I was very firm, but not angry or argumentative. I told her not to accuse me of putting my D14 in the middle because that was the pot calling the kettle black.

If you recall she pulled my D14 in the middle when she decided to tell her months before I got home from Afghanistan. She has been bad mouthing me to D14 since last April and continues to do so till this day. I have yet to say anything negative about my W to my D14 yet.

She closed the door and locked it and I went off to the spare room. Before she closed the door she told me that I wanted her living under the same roof as me and now I have it. I told her this isn't what I wanted and that's why I didn't let her come home two weeks ago when she was going to for this same reason.

This morning before she left I asked her if she was going to keep ignoring me and she said she hadn't decided yet. She she was sacrificing part of herself in order to spend time with her children. Keep in mind she has never been shunned from the house, the invitation has been open daily.

I really don't know what to do about this new situation. It's very uncomfortable and counterproductive. We got along well and had very productive conversations. Now we don't speak, so how are we ever going to fix anything?

She's going to start forcing my hand, and I don't know what to do. She is obviously very confused, lost and detached from reality. it's amazing how she can take her own actions or inactions and put blame on others. She obviously feels guilt for something or else she wouldn't be here..

I'm glad she's here for the children, but they know something is wrong. At least before there was peace and no tension when she was around. Now all she's doing is creating tension. MC is going to be pretty interesting this week.

[steady]

"It was a constructive talk, but at one point she surprised me. She said there were times when she felt like a piece of meat to me because i would grope her. Now I know I have come out and said what I wanted to do to her, our touch her butt. However, I never groped her."

You think you didn't grope her. Your point of view is yours. The important thing to remember is SHE thinks what you did was groping. Granted, they'll rewrite history to back up their position - I know my W did it hundreds of times. (and that's no exaggeration)

Ignoring you is passive aggressive. It's her trying to hurt you because she's doing something she doesn't want to do and she's blaming you for 'putting' her in that position. It's very disrespectful behavior. You didn't put a gun to her head and force her to come home.

It seems like she may be reacting to what happened in MC. Perhaps what you said about her not spending enough time with the kids hit her in her guilt spot. But she'll find some way to blame you.

"She <said> she was sacrificing part of herself in order to spend time with her children. "

Poor woman. Having to make a sacrifice in order to see her children. What is it a burden to see them? I know what she means about 'having' to move back to the house 'against her will'. But it's ridiculous.

"I really don't know what to do about this new situation. It's very uncomfortable and counterproductive. We got along well and had very productive conversations. Now we don't speak, so how are we ever going to fix anything?"

This is why being separated physically can be a good thing. It keeps this kind of tension away.

"She's going to start forcing my hand, and I don't know what to do. She is obviously very confused, lost and detached from reality. it's amazing how she can take her own actions or inactions and put blame on others. She obviously feels guilt for something or else she wouldn't be here.."

tbart, remember she can't FORCE your hand. Only you can move your hand. She can try to put pressure on you but it doesn't mean you have to react to it. I can't tell you how many times my W said, "Why don't you just leave" to me. Each time I answered, this is my house and my children too. You want out, why don't you just leave.

We lived together for a full year after she told me she wanted a D. The tension only grew and grew. The tension was from her side and not mine, but it was there nonetheless.

What should you do? Act as if her behavior doesn't bother you. She's trying to push your buttons and every time you react to it you are giving her what she wants. If she disrespects you call her on it. Other than that, ignore her behavior and continue to live your life with your kids.

If you don't absorb her negativity or react to it, she'll eat the shite sandwich she's trying to feed you.

Here's another Zen story that fits this perfectly:

The Gift of Insults

There once lived a great warrior. Though quite old, he still was able to defeat any challenger. His reputation extended far and wide throughout the land and many students gathered to study under him.

One day an infamous young warrior arrived at the village. He was determined to be the first man to defeat the great master. Along with his strength, he had an uncanny ability to spot and exploit any weakness in an opponent. He would wait for his opponent to make the first move, thus revealing a weakness, and then would strike with merciless force and lightning speed. No one had ever lasted with him in a match beyond the first move.

Much against the advice of his concerned students, the old master gladly accepted the young warrior's challenge. As the two squared off for battle, the young warrior began to hurl insults at the old master. He threw dirt and spit in his face. For hours he verbally assaulted him with every curse and insult known to mankind. But the old warrior merely stood there motionless and calm. Finally, the young warrior exhausted himself. Knowing he was defeated, he left feeling shamed.

Somewhat disappointed that he did not fight the insolent youth, the students gathered around the old master and questioned him. "How could you endure such an indignity? How did you drive him away?"

"If someone comes to give you a gift and you do not receive it," the master replied, "to whom does the gift belong?"

[tbart01]

Should I act normal and try to speak to her or do I play the ignore game as well?

[tbart01]

I don't think I can continue to do this. She is cordial and will speak to me when the kids are awake, but as soon as they go bed she acts like a kid and ignores me. This is pointless, and we'll never fix anything like this. She even closes and locks the bedroom door for some reason.

I'm thinking of telling her she won. It's obvious she has no desire to work on us at this time. She either needs to leave or do whatever she needs to d, because I don't deserve to be treated like this or to live like this.

[tbart01]

I told her this morning that we needed a few minutes to speak sooner rather than later because she had one. I got into the shower and she came and asked me what I meant. I told her I wasn't going to live like this.

I said it was clear she didn't want to be with me nor did she have any intentions of fixing this. I told her I didn't like her closing the bedroom door and locking it like I was some kind of monster.

I told her she either needed to leave or do what she feels she has to do because I have too much respect for myself to live this way.

She told me I forced her to do something she wasn't ready for. I told her I never forced her to do anything. Keep in mind that I never asked her to come home, she did so from her own guilt. She told me it was up to me to shut my D15 down when she said the things she said.

i told her that's what I have been doing, but she's old enough and she's not stupid. I told her that D15 feelings were from what she sees not what she hears.

I don't know what her expectations are from me, but I'm better than to live like this. It's not fair to anyone to have her be fake. It's making me very uncomfortable, and at this point I'm ready to move in a different direction. I'm not saying I want a D, but I can't be treated like this that's for dang sure.

I know one thing, I won't be leaving. I will not have my kids see me as the one abandoning them. I welcome her back into the home, but when she's ready not when she's acting like this. It's great for D4 to have her here, but even D15 is uncomfortable.

[steady]

Good tbart. You drew your boundary. Now stick to it.

It's not your job to shut your D down. Your D has a mind of her own and is allowed to express that as long as it isn't disrespectful to you or your W. If there's friction between your D and your W it's your wife's job to address it - not yours. I'm not saying you don't address it with D, but it isn't your responsibility. That lies on the shoulders of your W.

My W moved into the spare room 3 months before she told me she wanted a D. She used to treat me the same as your W. When the kids were there we were polite and cordial, but as soon as they went to bed she would retire to her room and stay in there.

Don't ignore her but don't pursue her. Act like she's a quiet roommate when you're around her. If you ignore her you're stooping to her level and giving her fuel for her fire. Be polite and cordial but don't make any attempts to engage her. You have to get to a mindset where what she's doing doesn't bother you. She'll eat her own negativity that way.

You're right on target when you say you don't deserve to be treated the way she is treating you. It's passive aggressive behavior and it's there to 'punish' you for 'making' her do something she didn't want to do. Call her on it like you did if she continues.

Keep us posted.

[tbart01]

This boundary I drew caused her to pause and think about things. She actually took the afternoon off just to come up to our rental property I'm remodeling to talk.

She for the first time told me she doesn't want a D. Wow, where did that come from. I told her I felt unloved, unappreciated, and disrespected due to the way she's been treating me around the house.

She said she knows she's been acting inappropriately, but she was doing it because she felt I forced her back before she was ready. We cleared the air on that (I think). She said that she would stop acting like she has been. She also said she wanted to go for coffee after MC this week.

The only weird thing was that she had envisioned us dating. What she envisioned was me picking her up at the house and us going out, almost like being boyfriend and girlfriend. This is good and all, but to follow through with what she envisions, she still see's us rotating in and out of the rental property.

She has this vision so entrenched in her brain that after moving back to the house, she still wants us to live separately while we date. I find this strange since she's already back in the home. Anyway, this could change over time, but we'll see.

Hopefully things will start to be good again. It was nice to hear her finally say she doesn't want a D. That means she's backed off of her previous stance. The stance she had before I got home and we actually started talking and working on issues.

Hopefully we can continue to move in a forward direction, but I know we will hit snags along the way.

[Surviving03]

thats great tbart, sometimes they have to be slapped in the face with the reality that we dont need to tolerate this behavior.

Having said that... dont get your hopes too high up. It was advised to me to continue DBing for a little while and see where their intentions really are. I think some vets need to give you advise from this situation but I know it is so nice to hear them say they dont want a D.