I'm moving over from the Newcomers forum. Tomorrow, my STBX and I will go to the courthouse and file jointly for D. I believe I did all I could to give him space and time to think through his choices, but when I learned a couple weeks ago that he is engaged to the OW (22 yo) I knew I really had to walk away. Emotionally, I've held out hope that he might wake up from the MLC but the fog is as heavy as ever from my viewpoint and I need to regain some self respect.
So, I've been in contact with him since I learned of the engagement to go ahead and file. The sooner the better. We were supposed to go downtown yesterday but he didn't respond to my texts about when, etc. So, now we're scheduled to go tmrw at lunch. I feel sad about this sitch, but know I absolutely have to keep pressing for the joint filing. I set a deadline for myself of Mar 1 to do this and if he doesn't follow through, I will file for D myself.
My goal is to be confident and get through the paperwork as amiably as possible. I really hope to not get emotional tmrw (at least until after we part ways) and yet, I don't want to be cold. It's a hard one but I guess I'll just keep reminding myself that he actually asked someone else to marry him - while he's still married - and this is the only alternative.
If anyone has some suggestions for handling the interaction tmrw, I'd sure appreciate it.
Welcome to surviving.. which I think at times should be named Thriving Through the Big D..
As difficult as this is, you're in an enviable situation. Both parties want the divorce. Him by his actions. You by your boundaries. And congratulations for knowing yourself and what works for you.
Check into an online divorce. It could cost you only several hundred dollars rather than the thousands, tens of thousands or hundreds of thousands in legal fees that some have experienced here. You can both agree on what's reasonable. Be sure to have a lawyer double check your agreement before the final settlement to make sure it's an even distribution or what works for you.
The less time a divorce takes, the lower the likelihood of animosity. In negotiation, the power goes to the one who hears the first offer. Ask him what he wants then go from there. And the legal aspect of divorce comes down to numbers and percentages. Treat it as such.
How do you handle tomorrow?
Take a deep breath. Exercise. Burn off the excess energy and anxiety. Take a hot shower and choose to look your best.
Remind yourself that you don't hold onto someone who doesn't want to be with you, someone who doesn't cherish and treasure what you share.
Just like people agree to be married, feel good about the agreement divorce. C'mon.. getting engaged? Like a little old Italian woman I know would say, "What a dope!", followed by a smack upside the head.
Divorce, like marriage, begins in the mind.
One last thing, this type of emotional chaos puts both parties in a fog. His with his distraction or focus on someone new. You with an overwhelming sense of pain, hope and betrayal. By choosing what is healthy your fog while clear bringing a new perspective about what is most important and best in life.
Be proud of all you've done right, your belief in marriage, hope for a future together. And most of all, knowing what is best for you. A healthy relationship takes two. And a good life, takes one.
Gypsy has given you some really good advice. Why spend time with someone who doesn't stop and think how specacular you really are?
There are a lot of people over here thriving. We do stumble here and there but feel free to vent, laugh, cry, scream or whatever emotion you need to express. You are going to be fine.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Thanks so much for the responses. I had a chance to read them before I went to the courthouse, and kept in mind that I deserve better.
I felt like we were at the DMV. Very short wait, and then a clerk that just looked over the paperwork, stamped it and took our checks. In and out in 15 minutes. So, next up is the financial statements, etc. and I am cautiously optimistic that he won't try any funny stuff. If he does, I won't hesitate to retain an attorney.
After we wrapped up and were walking out, I told him I was glad we could get through this stuff "friendly-like" and he agreed. Actually he was very quiet throughout. I think he intended to give me a hug, but I said have a good day and we went our separate ways. I decided to stop by a microbrew place downtown and ended up having lunch, a couple beers, and played some pool upstairs which is a old love of mine.
All in all, it went very well. I'm ready for a new chapter in my life. I know I did everything I could, but in the end H didn't want me. So, brighter days ahead! I feel about 175lbs lighter today. Haha!
I've been feeling happier, more free, and optimistic about my future since we filed for D. Instead of depression kicking in, I really feel a weight has been lifted. Friends at work commented on my positive attitude and even delivering sub-para performance evals to several employees couldn't dampen my spirits.
Yesterday, I put a note on FB about last night's varsity bball game being like a funeral for the other team & to wear black (student idea). The parents of the boy that died in his sleep in Sept saw it and freaked out. I was simply referring to the competition, but they felt the reference to a funeral was hurtful, insensitive and inappropriate. I had no idea until another "friend" added comments to my post, and then her own and made a big deal about it. I understand how they might take the funeral comment personally, but I've apologized several times and they are shutting me out now.
Gotta pick my words more carefully, just wasn't thinking I guess. Then this afternoon I saw my neighbor who's husband fell through a pond right after Christmas while ice fishing and died overnight before he was found. She is holding up so well. They had a bad argument the day he died, and he left the house to go fish for some trout for dinner. She felt awful about that last encounter. But today she was smiling and while sad, she is looking ahead at her future and making good plans to be happy. Part of that is moving to Cali to a small mountain town and being near family.
One family can't move forward. Stuck in their grief and four months later, they are still angry, depressed and just going thru the motions. Another lady lost her soulmate in such a tragic way, but she is pushing herself to carry on.
Doesn't mean one way is better or right. But I hope I will handle my future the way my neighbor is. Sad, but hopeful for a better future, thankful for the good times, forgetting the bad and carrying on.
I'm sorry you're here, but under your current situation, I'm glad you're here. Anyway, I appreciate the feedback and responses that you give me, and I hope that you'll find plenty of help and support here. And I hope you have a blast skiing.
ps - Do you find that the sheer rejection is a hard thing to take?
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
ps - Do you find that the sheer rejection is a hard thing to take?
I had to think about my response for a few days...
"yes", "sometimes", "only every time I think/hear his name"...
At times it is very hard not to feel rejected but I think I get into a pity party when I focus on the rejection. That self pity only hurts me and I start obsessing, FB surfing for information, listening to sad country songs, etc. None of which is helpful for me.
I cope so much better when I tell myself, and others in conversation, that STBX isn't a bad person but made some bad choices and I'm just looking forward now and getting on with my life. Talking with that confidence makes me feel better, like a self fulfilling prophesy.
So I'm getting better (mostly) at catching myself when I focus on the rejection and changing my thoughts, and then my attitude improves too. It works for me anyway.
The Four Agreements says "Don't take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering."
Makes sense...no?
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Journaling... V-day just about over now. First one without a guy in many, many years but I focused on my kids and myself. Took a gift over to my mom, her first Valentines without her sweetheart in 57+ years. But her attitude is positive and she said she didn't spend time dragging out old memories that would just bring her down. Instead she stayed busy, sticking with her routines and she is doing very well. I aspire to be more like her - optimistic, compassionate, thoughtful. No anger, bitterness or regret. She's a wonderful role model. It's not about our losses... it's about counting our blessings, remembering the good times, letting go of the bad and simply looking forward with hope and confidence in a bright future.
